The type of men BPD's attract?

Hello everybody! I just got out of a destructive one year relationship with a person that I found (and most of my friends found) to be emotionally abusive. Like basically breaking up with me all the time then kept trying to come back...and of course I would let him come back. I would block him from every type of communication possible, but then he would just call from a different number. I felt as if he used my love and emotions for him to his advantage. I would be told that I was the problem and basically I'm so crazy that he can't deal with me or some $#%^ like that. I'm about 100% sure that he's a narc because he would act like I was going to die without him or whatever, among many other narc attributes. He's got me so confused that I am putting the blame on myself although I know his behavior isn't justified. I miss him, I love him but why? Ugh. I feel like he still has some sort of pull on me even though we haven't spoken in a month. Lame. Any insight, advice, whatnot would be greatly appreciated.

It's well known that borderlines attract narcs, so I wouldn't doubt if this guy has NPD. I would also say, like in the case of one of my exes, they can attract BPD males with strong narcissistic traits, which would be me.

The dynamics of such relationships really is too much for me to get my head around, so hopefully more people respond.

My longest relationships have been with guys who were very thrill seeking and enjoyed taking risks.

I've dated a few stable guys, regular, normal guys. But it didn't last long with them.

Hm, well, I have BPD and am currently attracted to a woman with BPD. I have also had exes that have some borderline tendencies. Actually, they all have. o.O

A common theme in all of these women has been my desire to "save" them. I hate to admit that because it seems so...skewed in terms of power but that really is what it is about. It started for me after the first girl I loved as a teenager. She had so much power over me for the 3 years that I loved her. I had all this need, this fear of being left, the extreme emotional reactions, and I always called out to her to save me when I felt suicidal and so on. And deep down I resented how much I depended on her. She was very withdrawn and didn't like to make herself vulnerable to men, so I never got to help her or do anything to feel like I was contributing to our relationship. Kind of like my mother...I do love my mother very dearly but for many years she was cold, if she was crying she would never let me hug her or comfort her, she would tell me not to touch her and to go away, but of course I had to turn to her and hope she would comfort me when I needed. I knew she never needed me as much as I needed her, so I was determined to never let that happen again.

So after that, I tended to be drawn to women who were the opposite. Women who I felt I could hide my own vulnerabilities with. Women who were less likely to leave me. I don't feel like I have anything to offer a woman except trying to be a rock for her and the benefits/lessons of recovering from my own mental illness. Thing is, I know deep down I am powerless, I am afraid to be left, but I am also afraid to be vulnerable because it hurt me so bad the first time. I hope they will need me but I know they really don't, and they wouldn't if they knew that so much of what I put on is my attempt to not be left. Plus, it is a lot easier to help someone else, because I have given up trying to help or save myself.

I am actually trying to change that dynamic with this current girl. I get very frustrated when I catch myself trying to have the "upper hand" in a situation...by trying to act cooler, act like I care less than she does, keeping my distance when needed, talking only about her problems and not about my own. It's all about putting those walls up. I don't want to do that because it isn't fair to her. Everyone in her life wants to save her, she doesn't need some guy treating her like a pet project when she's an actual human being.

oath wrote:I am actually trying to change that dynamic with this current girl. I get very frustrated when I catch myself trying to have the "upper hand" in a situation...by trying to act cooler, act like I care less than she does, keeping my distance when needed, talking only about her problems and not about my own. It's all about putting those walls up. I don't want to do that because it isn't fair to her. Everyone in her life wants to save her, she doesn't need some guy treating her like a pet project when she's an actual human being.

Really insightful post, oath. I tend to do that too, try to maintain the upper hand.

I can't go around calling people this or that but I had a four year relationship with a woman who practically sacrificed her whole identity as well as alienated all of her friends and family to subordinate to the greater good of the relationship. It certainly didn't end well and was riddled with deceit and betrayal from start to finish. We fed each others' emptiness and definitely did the whole push/pull/we'll be together forever thing.

A personality disorder is a serious affliction and I'm not certain I've ever dated anyone with a PD but this person would be the closest candidate.

I'm not exactly sure what attracted her to me but I began to discover as time passed that my extreme recklessness and impulsivity were making her feel trapped and afraid, but she also made the choice to come along with me.

There is another thread here - songs which represent your past relationship. My submission was "Hurricane" by MSMR and this was due in no small part to the fact that she showed this song to me to express her true feelings about me and our relationship, how and why it fell apart, and how I never really knew her in the first place. At the very least, I'd say the preconditions were there in her developmental stages of life that eventually produce a borderline personality.

As we were falling apart we'd each alternate between pushing the other away and breaking down emotionally trying to cling to something that never should have been there in the first place. It took well over a year and a good number of terrible life (and financial) decisions before we were actually able to stay apart. In the end she was stronger than I was and I'm still (a year later) spinning my wheels, (occasionally) trying to contact her, contemplating suicide, etc.

In summary, I think borderline personalities tend to attract each other, for the wrong reasons. I also think there is sincere intention and that it's a repeated cycle of "trying to get it right this time", so it's not as if there is no hope.

I attract very controlling types of men, npds and sociopathic types. It's a pretty doomed coupling, albeit interesting.

I've run into a few bpd men, they are very difficult to get rid of.

graveflower wrote:I attract very controlling types of men, npds and sociopathic types. It's a pretty doomed coupling, albeit interesting.

I've run into a few bpd men, they are very difficult to get rid of.

You speak of them like they're pests. I hope I am misreading your post.

Yah but if you ignore it long enough he might just get rid of himself and do the whole world a big favor.

Should read: The type of people BPD's attract.