Self Diagnosed

I know people who read WebMD are usually making mountains out of mole hills, but we do it just the same. I have done a lot of research in the past because I know my personality isn't quite the norm. Through online research I came across BPD last summer. It seemed to fit perfectly, but I never did anything about it. (Mostly because I didn't want to be labeled crazy. My mom always told me there was something wrong with me, but her personality was exactly like mine so of course I thought I must be normal.

My childhood was a lot of ups and downs. I was moody constantly. I would fly off the handle for no reason. I recently read and old journal where I found myself ranting about being wrongly accused of chewing gum in the house which wasn't allowed. GUM? Everything I wrote back in my preteen stages seemed to be absolutely ridiculous! Yet they meant everything to me. It was a constant need for approval or feeling of betrayal. My mother chalked it up to adolescence and "daddy issues".
-My father divorced my mother when I was 4. I did grow up not understanding why, but I now realize I think he couldn't handle her mood swings. She will never be diagnosed because she believes there's nothing wrong with her. It's always someone else's fault.

In high school things got a lot worse. I would have burst of energy where I couldn't talk enough and then days I didn't want to get out of bed. My mom thought I had mono. I would go to school, come home and sleep, eat dinner, and sleep till morning. Most of high school I spent chasing boys. I constantly needed the attention. I became very good at being the other woman. When I was in relationships, I honestly thought they were my soulmate after a month. Honest to God believed that we would be together forever. Then after 3 months I would want something else. Usually a boy. Always on the the next bigger and better thing.

Friendships never lasted for me. I would cut the closest people to me out of my life easily. No remorse. No regret. My mom really thought there was something wrong with me. I didn't talk to my dad for 2 years for basically no reason at all. My best friends I would drop just because they cancelled plans. My boyfriends I would dump just because I felt some kind of distance. Of course we would get back together because being alone hurt more.

My OUTRAGEOUS reactions have gotten worse with time. My current girlfriend whom I live with is struggling to deal with me. She was gone for a weekend to be with family, and when she wouldn't answer her phone I decided to drink as much alcohol as we had and slice up my arm. I had thought about suicide before but never had the means. I had cut before but only when I felt betrayed or abandoned. One time when I was angry at my mother a scratched my skin until there was a deep laceration about 3 inches long on my forearm. Then I took a tac and scratched parallel lines in it. Another time my gf was gone i scratched my arms and lefts 10 marks. I looked like a leper.

Sometimes I know I am being ridiculous, but it's like I can't control it! I read a few books and thought maybe I was bipolar. But I didn't have to severe manic stages. So I considered clycothymia which I realized is often confused with BPD. I meet with my counselor tomorrow, and I'm going to bring up BPD. I just want to know that I'm not the only one out there. Who knows if I even have BPD.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY I'M NOT NORMAL

You should ask your doctor to refer you to a Psychiatrist. Psych's are the only people who can have a (usually, if a good Psych) good insight and give a diagnosis if necessary.

It took me many years of hell and struggling, and slowly drinking myself to near death, before I eventually got the diagnosis of EUPD (British term for BPD).

I hope you find the answer, and good luck

It's widely understood that BPD is commonly under diagnosed or overlooked particularly in men.

In addition, this disorder presents differently in each person.

Furthermore, it's frequently stated that co morbidity is exceptionally high with BPD.

I am of the opinion that where BPD is present, it forms the basis or core personality dysfunction which is augmented by the presence of other disorders, particularly (in men) ASPD.

So it's likely if you are undiagnosed and severely borderline that you will also have persistent antisocial, histrionic and narcissistic traits as well as mood disturbances.

I'm in the same boat. Hand me a bucket please so I can bail.

Its my theory that everyone has SOME traits of one or more personality disorders, but whether or not you have the real deal BPD or something else is the realm of professionals.

That said, if you identify with issues pwBPD face, this forum is still a good place to seek understanding and occasionally get a little advice, whether or not you qualify for the diagnosis.

I am going to kill myself one day.

joltaire wrote:I am going to kill myself one day.

Nah, I'm going to smother you with hugs first.

NimplyDinply wrote:

joltaire wrote:I am going to kill myself one day.

Nah, I'm going to smother you with hugs first.

Nah, because I'll just push you away so I can keep feeling miserable...then wonder why you won't accept me with open arms. Then I'll get mad and hit my head against something. Then I'll text you 500x and make all these promises I don't really mean.

Best not to hug me,

joltaire wrote:

NimplyDinply wrote:

joltaire wrote:I am going to kill myself one day.

Nah, I'm going to smother you with hugs first.

Nah, because I'll just push you away so I can keep feeling miserable...then wonder why you won't accept me with open arms. Then I'll get mad and hit my head against something. Then I'll text you 500x and make all these promises I don't really mean.

Best not to hug me,

Just one at least?