A non asks: Why does Love+Closeness=Pain for PwBPD?

Perhaps Justagirl00 will be by in the near future to comment. In the meantime I do have a relatable experience.

I am in a similar situation, but I am the borderline So if anything, you'll get a view through the mind of one...

A co-worker - I should say subordinate as that is the reality of the situation, but I see her as an equal. We met four years ago, and I was immediately attracted to her. Apparently, it was mutual as people were telling me that she kept talking about me, asking questions. Even her own mom who also works there told me that she wouldn't stop talking about me. It was surreal, and at the time I was unaware I had BPD and intimacy issues. We did talk, but neither of us would make a move.

She was only there briefly and we let her go due to low hours. Not long after, she friend requested me on facebook, and we interacted occasionally through there. Nothing big. Liking each other's comments; commenting on each other's posts, and occasionally messaging. I'm borderline though. This is HUUUUUUUUUUUGE for me.

Almost a year of this and after I was diagnosed with BPD, she asked me if I had any work for her, and I personally hired her back. I honestly would have fired someone to make room, but it didn't come to that. We picked up where we left off, and were even a bit playful at times. She was quickly, and I do mean QUICKLY idealized. I developed a fantasy relationship with her all on my own in a matter of days. So at this point, everything and anything she did or said would affect me on a grand scale, which in turn freaked the living crap out of me.

I began cross training her to increase her employee value and job security. Even gave her up to other management to ensure so. We continued to talk, and I continued to fantasize and creating an image of her she could never live up to. I knew she would never make the move, so it had to be me. My massive fear of rejection and intimacy kept me from doing it. My therapist urged me to get past it. Told me to not let it devastate me if she says no, seemingly unknowing that there is nothing I can do to prevent that.

So the opportunity came, and I asked her out. To my total surprise, she said yes! I immediately messaged my therapist and told her. She knew what was coming: Me freaking the f**k out. I immediately started having anxiety that she would cancel on me. The date was five days away giving her way too much time to reconsider, or for some BS to come up, OR for me to f**k it up.

All I do know, is that she DID cancel on me. Do you want to know what this did? It completely, and totally screwed me up. I got wasted. Did plenty of drugs. Flirted with her BFF in front of her and screwed a dude. I unfriended her on FB, but not before a plethora of passive-aggressive memes CLEARLY targeted at her. Finally, I told my sister what was wrong as there was no longer hiding it, and I bawled like baby being taken away from his mom. She got the axe, and it KILLED me.... she was supposed to be...

...
Anywho, she still works there. Under different management, and my heart breaks everyday having to see her, knowing that she is with someone else. The ironic thing is she didn't see what my sister saw. She doesn't know about the drugs I took, or being wasted, and having a guy plow me. In fact she has no idea how devastated I was. All she knows is that she cancelled on me, and I acted like an @sshole and unfriending her and becoming distant and silent.

So now, her and I are just like you and this girl. We work together. Things are awkward (for me), and that fantasy I had of her has been immortalized through petrification. It'll never live, but always exist. We lock eyes from time to time, but it's just a reminder of the aforementioned.

jaus tail wrote:i feel scared when someone says: 'lets go to work together everyday or eat together everyday at work.'

it freaks me out to the point where i get nervous n am on the verge of hyperventilating

i guess its cause i'm so used to being alone n talking with myself, that when i talk with someone else, there's bound to be some contradiction n i'm not okay with it.

when i'm talking to myself, or having fictional conversation with a friend, the replies are assumed by me and there's no contradiction. i'm right in every situation.

but when there's another person involved chances are very high he'll reject my idea or get bored/appear bored.

that sort of is less than the satisfaction i had when talking with myself where whatever i said was true.

Dude, I just posted a freaking novel. And you, in so few words expressed the same kind of thought process.

It's the fantasizing. Creating the fictional character or taking in one that can do you no wrong. Conforms to you ever and rapidly changing demands like some kind of romanticized chameleon.

Then to take that image, slap it on some real life person and watch them go, "huh?"

BleedingHart wrote:Dude, I just posted a freaking novel. And you, in so few words expressed the same kind of thought process.

It's the fantasizing. Creating the fictional character or taking in one that can do you no wrong. Conforms to you ever and rapidly changing demands like some kind of romanticized chameleon.

Then to take that image, slap it on some real life person and watch them go, "huh?"

lol. yes i agree. it's the creation of fictional character and assuming the real life person will act accordingly. when it doesnt happen i get shocked n even enraged at the behavior.

i used to go to a park n the cat would often sit on the bench next to me. if it wouldnt, then i'd get angry at the cat as well.

-- Mon Aug 24, 2015 9:07 am --

BleedingHart wrote:Dude, I just posted a freaking novel. And you, in so few words expressed the same kind of thought process.

It's the fantasizing. Creating the fictional character or taking in one that can do you no wrong. Conforms to you ever and rapidly changing demands like some kind of romanticized chameleon.

Then to take that image, slap it on some real life person and watch them go, "huh?"

lol. yes i agree. it's the creation of fictional character and assuming the real life person will act accordingly. when it doesnt happen i get shocked n even enraged at the behavior.

i used to go to a park n the cat would often sit on the bench next to me. if it wouldnt, then i'd get angry at the cat as well.

jaus tail wrote:i feel scared when someone says: 'lets go to work together everyday or eat together everyday at work.'

it freaks me out to the point where i get nervous n am on the verge of hyperventilating

I relate a lot to what Jaus said, and also what BleedingHart said.

When people try to get close to me, I start to panic. I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint them. I think as soon as they get to know me better, they will change their mind and they won't like me anymore

So I avoid their invitations to hang out. Or I don't avoid them, but get really anxious whenever we talk or hang out. If things manage to move forward despite all this, eventually I sabatoge it completely.

And, like Jaus said with the cat, I'm hypervigilant to any sign the person is pulling away. Like if someone usually texts me every morning at 9, and then one morning it doesn't happen, it really upsets me to the point my whole day is ruined and I can't concentrate on anything.

When I do get close to someone, there is always rising tension and anxiety. Always things that would bother me and I would get upset about, for no reason. Or just free-floating anxiety I would take out on the other person. Or paranoid, irrational beliefs that they secretly hated me, or they were about to leave me for someone else, etc.

Its never possible to just relax and be comfortable with someone.

I think with borderlines we try not to attach to people so we avoid the abandonment.

jabberwocky wrote: If it were me and I can only speak for myself, I would want you to approach me aggressively, not take no for an answer until I agreed to sit down and talk. Then for you to explain that at the time you didn't know about BPD, but that I was important enough to you that you have learned about it and now realize that I wasn't being rude by distancing. That you understand that is part of the pathology and that you value the friendship enough to not abandon me at the first sign of trouble. That you were sorry that you just walked away, etc.

I'm not really one to have many friends so it's hard to imagine some of these scenarios and what I'd want, but this would definitely spark something in my mind.

I appreciate everyone's willingness to be open and honest and I'm learning so much. This experience has been difficult as I continue to blame myself. You all have been a tremendous help as I transverse this complicated maze not knowing what to do next. Thank you! Hugs to you all!!

I keep thinking that perhaps I was too supportive and kind, but I was just being me. Although she didn't think highly of herself, I did and told her as much. I wasn't intrusive. In fact, we didn't go to lunch together. I'm pretty social and went to lunch with different people. She is reserved and would only go to lunch with the same one or two people on her team.

One thing I observed was it was easier for her to deal with people on an impersonal level than those who she was intimate with. She could easily chat with certain friends/coworkers having meaningless conversation, but over time, it became increasingly difficult to chat/communicate with me. Sometimes it really felt like she was silently angry with me. I'm assuming the closer some pwbpd feel to someone the more they withdraw...which was the confusing and hurtful part for me. Justagirl, do all your relationship encounters create anxiety for you or just those that become intimate? Can anyone else speak to this as well?

I sometimes feel she wants to reach out, but cannot and wants me to do it. I've sent a few short emails/texts over the past year, but have not approached her personally as I'm being respectful of her space and trying to wait it out... Good idea? Bad idea?

Thanks again guys!

sixthsense wrote: Justagirl, do all your relationship encounters create anxiety for you or just those that become intimate?

It happens even with non-intimate friends, too. I haven't seen any of my friends for a long time because of this. People want to see me, but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't understand why they would want to see me and I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint them. So I just don't see anybody.

It didn't used to be that bad. But these things go in cycles, at least, for me. I had some bad experiences lately that traumatized me even more.

As for reaching out to her, or not. Its hard to say. As Jabberwocky said, he would react well to it. People might have different reactions. I'm not sure its something that has a general "rule."

Maybe others have some more opinions about it.

sixthsense wrote:
Thanks again guys!

You are welcome

not pain
but fear and high expectations
fear of loosing what it can be
wanting to much than being diselisioned when it doesn't happen and you invested to much
paraoia being bured in the past than sabotaging it yourself
being afraid that you are not good enogh
putting partner on a deddestal
all or nothing kinda thing

justagirl00 wrote:It happens even with non-intimate friends, too. I haven't seen any of my friends for a long time because of this. People want to see me, but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't understand why they would want to see me and I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint them. So I just don't see anybody.

I'm doing the same thing.

So how do we force ourselves to stop doing this?

Scares the heck out of me. I got used to being alone for so long, that I no longer got lonely. But I can recognize that this only perpetuates the symptoms. Lets me stew.