I'm a 27 year old female. Recently (within a year) diagnosed as having Bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder and hypochondrias. I don't know if I agree with it all, especially Bipolar disorder. I don't exhibit manic traits, just deep dark depression and impulse self harm. The woman I was originally seeing diagnoses me as having Bipolar 2, which seems to fit more because I am and angry, hateful person...especially lately. But my new guy is bent on bipolar 1, and says I don't have to exhibit every trait to have this disorder.
I've been working since age 18 and I've held over 50 jobs. (Not an exaggeration. I have no problem finding employment, its staying that's the problem. I'll impulsively decide on the way to work that I quit, which I then turn around and go home. I basically disappear. I've only properly quit 2 jobs, the others, they just never hear from me again. I can't help it. I don't like confrontation, I don't want people to be mad at me for calling off. I'm now (and have been for a little over 2 years) a Certified Nurse Technician, and luckily the manager for the place I work for now has an ex husband with bipolar disorder so she is extremely undertstanding and has a wide open door for me. I've no called no show, sometimes disappearing for weeks and when I finally snap out of it and call her to see if I still have a job..I do. I just started receiving Social Security disability which helps a lot. I'm trying to go back to school in January for the License Practical Nursing program. I'm trying so hard. My medicare does not kick in until 2017, and I've applied for medicade THREE TIMES this year, including last week when I received my first disability check. I'm a hoosier (Northwest Indiana born and raised) and moved with my family last year to Nashville Tennessee. Apparently Tennessee is horrible when it comes to healthcare, and so many people who qualify for medicade aren't receiving it because Tennessee elected not to extend their federal coverage. I habe over 50,000 in medical debt from my stupid mental disorders. I filed Chapter 13 this morning. Did I mention I filed Chapter 7 in 2012? I'M ONLY 27!!!
Getting back on track for my real reason for this post. I started self harming in 2013. I've been physically abusive to myself for as early as I could remember, but this was mainly in the form of hitting my head or violently throwing myself around the room out of anger. I never actually drew blood until 2013. I cut up my arm and beat the wounds with an 8lb dumbell causing a black and blue knot on my arm. When I cut myself, I was shocked. That's when I realized, something was wrong. I saw a psych nurse who diagnosed me as having bipolar type 2 and ADHD. Put me on Seroquel XL starting at 50, working up to 400 in a few weeks. She also put me on topamax and Klonopin. Seeing her was about $200 per visit and I was only getting samples of the seroquel since I didn't have insurance. And the topamax and K-pin wasn't expensive. After about a month, I stopped taking everything.
Was without medication until July 2014 when I moved to Tennessee. What prompt me to seek help was facebook. No one would talk to me, I have no friends and my love life sucked and just...I wasn't me. I started lashing out at strangers. I told her about my first and previous diagnosis with Bipolar 2, she agreed minus the ADHD which she said I did not have. She put me back on seroquel and I loved it. I can't say it was a miracle med, my self esteem and depression were still there but my anger and impulse were better under controlled. I went from 50-600. I was able to qualify for the astrazenica (sp?) And receive the seroquel for free. My problem is taking my medication regularly. I would stop taking it after 3 weeks, 2 weeks, 2 days, or whenever my mood called for it. Even when I was on 600, I would quit cold turkey...never experienced side effects. But then again, my body isn't easily addicted to medication. Quit benzo cold turkey, no withdrawal.
Even though I was on and off on my seroquel, I needed something for my racing and intruding thoughts. She put me on Latuda..within 1 hour of taking it I was ready to jump out of my skin. I took it and drove to the drive through for food, it was a long line. I ordered my food but I had to leave because I got really antsy. I couldn't sleep and paced, and cried and I felt horrible. I finally took a seroquel pill and fell asleep. I gave it one more chance, end up calling a crisis hotline (most insensitive people I have ever met). I stopped taking it and went back to see her. She out me back on seroquel which again I stopped taking after a few weeks. She suggested Saphris, claimed it was really good. That night I took it, it did the same thing Latuda did. Luckily my then boyfriend was there and he would let me pace his apartment and come into his arms when I needed to, it was a horrible night. I threw that away and went back on seroquel. She then suggested invega (I think that's the name of it), I was awake for 24 hours after taking that..threw that away and went back on Seroquel.
A co worker of mine started on Wellbutrin, she was so happy and uppity and said she was just feeling good. I want to feel good. I suggested Wellbutrin to my psych nurse and topamax, she reluctantly agreed. After about 2 weeks I started getting Icepick headaches, I couldn't pin point if it was the Wellbutrin or the topamax. One night I went to the cheesecake factory to pick up a carry out order, when I came back out...I couldn't remember where I parked my car. It wasn't just a "Oh darn, I can't remember where I parked", it was more like that part of my memory had been erased. I was so scared and panicked. I called my friend freaking out and she told me I needed to stop taking topamax. After about 10 minutes, I finally found my car. I quit both topamax and wellbutrin and went back to seroquel. My psych nurse went on maternity leave, so I was assigned someone else who is now my permanent psych nurse (John).
I went from 147lbs July 2014-over 220lbs August 2015. I've long gone stopped the seroquel. He's tried to put me on buspar for my anxiety because he's against benzos. I explained to him I was on a benzo for almosy a year, quit cold turkey, never became addicted. Extremely reluctantly, he prescribed me 14 Atavans. That was months ago though. My anxiety had been under control for the last few months so I don't need them atm, I just like to have them in case of emergency. I suffered a dehabilitating panic attack in January AT WORK, AT THE NURSING HOME in front of my dementia patients and co workers
My problem now though, is I feel empty. I've gone through so much that I'm numb to hope. I cut myself last night and thought about suicide. I browsed message boards like these, which is what prompt me to join. Also my manager (the one with the bipolar ex), she said these types of boards helped her when she was going through things with her husband and adviced me to reach out to people on here.
I'm alone. Im fat, ugly. Guys use me for sex, no one wants to be my friend. I am a failure. I hate myself. The place where I bought my car shut off my car last night, that sent me into a dark place. When I called this morning to see if they could turn it back on, he started asking me yes or no questions. The thing is...I CAN'T answer yes or no questions. I have to explsin everything, I cannot help it, I ramble and it's out of my control. If you asked me if I was a good singer, I would tell you no BUT sometime *enter explanation * . Everytime I would try to explain my answers to this guy he was rudely interrupt me until he finally said "Omg you do ramble just like the other guy said"...That's when a wave of emotions hit me and I stiffly yelled into the phone "I havr bipolat disorser, you are nothing but nasty and mean" and I just burst into tears on the phone, I inhaled so hard I couldn't catch my breath, I cried historically as I started apologizing to him and over and over and I think he felt bad because I heard him say he was turning my car back on. I was so loud, my grandma heard me screaming and crying 2 rooms down. My self esteem was already low but he crushed my spirits. I do ramble and sometimes when I'm in a good mood I like to talk to people and I talk....ALOT and it never occurred to me that I was holding them "hostage". It made me feel so bad about myself to the point where I'm refusing to socialize. I hate me so much. Like I really...hate me. I never asked to be born and I am so angry for being brought here against my will.
A month ago John prescribed me 10mg prozac. By the fourth day my head was still hurting and I felt tired so I stopped. After the guy from the car company made me cry like that, I made an emergency appointment and saw John earlier today and he put me on 10 pills every 48 hours. I'm going to start first thing tomorrow.
My main reason for this post was to vent. My grandma is a good support system but she's old and doesn't fully understand and can only see it from a logical stand point, which gets discouraging. So basically I have no one to talk to. When I was about to cut myself last night, I went through my address book..there was no one I could call. I have started seeing a regular therapist. I saw her yeaterday...I rambled and now I'm wondering if she truly cared. But I see her again on the 11th and we are going to discuss my deep hatred for my uncle.
Everyone has abandon me. I've lost myself. They say it gets easier but it's getting worst. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this, I truly appreciate it.
Otter Space Man
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