Black & white feelings about the illness itself?

I was wondering whether anyone else experiences this: when I'm feeling great, I've got tons of energy, make loads of plans, everything is bright and wonderful. One of the effects of this is that I stop believing that anything is wrong with me - almost as if BPD was some bad joke from long ago.

I'll read my diary and think "oh gosh, what an idiot I was, this is so silly". I'll delete this forum from my favourites bar on my browser. "Nothing is wrong with me, I'm ****ing great".

... and then the devil strikes again, and everything that previously seemed insignificant and ridiculous becomes very, very real and true. And it's the opposite. How could I ever have believed something wasn't wrong with me?

I'm sure this is common but it would be great to hear from others.

I read this a couple times and hesitated to respond, because only your doctor can diagnose and help you, but from my perspective no, I haven't had extreme highs and extreme lows as BPD. Most of the time I'm either "normal" (ex: no highs, no lows, functioning normally) or "depressive".

Lucky you to get the highs though.

Maybe talk with your doctor about the possibility of bipolar? There's medication to control that, and maybe that would wind up helping you avoid the really bad lows.

Hi

Yes, It feels like what you said was reading from my mind. That sounds stupid, but it's true.

I feel the same with my BPD and Bipolar 2 - when things are great, its amazing. And I convince myself easily that I'm over it, that I wasn't really ill, that it was just a bad time in my life and I'll never go back there.

Then Boom - its like being slapped in the face and your own internal thoughts just say ''you didn't think it was over did you?''.
My inner monologue can be really nasty and overwhelming at times. Sometimes I wish I never had the good times, because when they are over it feels so much worse. Or it seems to, every time, and then the cycle begins again.

It's really sad when you think about it. But you aren't alone in your feelings, and I hope that knowing this gives you some comfort

Take Care

Jess

Oh wow thank you so much for the replies.

Fille, I'm sorry you don't get the highs. My middles are more completely apathetic and zoned out - is that what your normals are like?

Jessie, so glad to read this. You also describe it very well. How is your treatment going, if you are getting any?

Lord of the Flies wrote:Fille, I'm sorry you don't get the highs. My middles are more completely apathetic and zoned out - is that what your normals are like?

I imagine you get some wonderful creative bursts with the highs. I envy that. My normals are yeah, pretty much that -- flat line -- but that's ok, it's WAY better than the pit of despair, lol

Fille wrote:I imagine you get some wonderful creative bursts with the highs. I envy that. My normals are yeah, pretty much that -- flat line -- but that's ok, it's WAY better than the pit of despair, lol

Certainly do Yeah, anything is better than the lows. By far. So I'm intrigued, how do you feel when something nice happens? Picture a compliment from someone you like or something.

Lord of the Flies wrote:

Fille wrote:I imagine you get some wonderful creative bursts with the highs. I envy that. My normals are yeah, pretty much that -- flat line -- but that's ok, it's WAY better than the pit of despair, lol

Certainly do Yeah, anything is better than the lows. By far. So I'm intrigued, how do you feel when something nice happens? Picture a compliment from someone you like or something.

I'm typical BPD. I downplay any compliments or dismiss them outright. I feel I don't deserve them.

But I'm working on that

Did you ever ask your doc about bipolar like the other poster (she has a thread on here btw, you might want to find it, about diaries, it's interesting.)

Fille wrote:I'm typical BPD. I downplay any compliments or dismiss them outright. I feel I don't deserve them.

But I'm working on that

Did you ever ask your doc about bipolar like the other poster (she has a thread on here btw, you might want to find it, about diaries, it's interesting.)

Oh wow that's interesting. I'm glad you're working on it and hopefully getting better.

I've never explicitly asked about bipolar but I do remember being asked questions which, if answered appropriately, could lead to a potential diagnosis. From what I know about bipolar though, I don't fit the criteria. The good parts, which are always triggered, rarely last more than a couple hours, and the bad parts vastly outweigh the rest. But thank you for actually reading my replies, it almost feels like people care.

I'll check out the thread!

Yeah, I relate to this a lot. Just last night I was asking myself if BPDs experience sort of mini-manias, or hypomanias.

I get those that last a couple hours or so. For a couple hours I feel great about myself, I feel so smart and accomplished, feel great about life, excited about the future, etc. Then with no warning, the rug gets pulled out from under me and I feel bad again.

I tend to cycle like this throughout the day. I don't always get the highs but I get them often enough. More often its anger and anxiety or just blah, numb and empty.

How rapidly do you cycle like this?

justagirl00 wrote:Yeah, I relate to this a lot. Just last night I was asking myself if BPDs experience sort of mini-manias, or hypomanias.

I get those that last a couple hours or so. For a couple hours I feel great about myself, I feel so smart and accomplished, feel great about life, excited about the future, etc. Then with no warning, the rug gets pulled out from under me and I feel bad again.

I tend to cycle like this throughout the day. I don't always get the highs but I get them often enough. More often its anger and anxiety or just blah, numb and empty.

How rapidly do you cycle like this?

Thanks for the reply. Yeah like you the high lasts a couple hours at most, and as I said it plummets very suddenly. I get highs about once or twice a week I would say - the rest of the time, like you, if it is not bad, it is total emptiness (which is bad, but not quite as sharp and painful as what I am describing as bad...). Of course some weeks are better/worse than others, but that is probably the average. What do your cycles look like?