I am just so confuse

So I havent posted on this in a long time because I was too wrap up in my life and living in China. Now I am back in the states on my vacation and I have time to reflect on past and current things as well as how I did in China.

Anyway I am posting to vent cause I do not know where else to do so.
Just like most BPDers, we have a hard time with dealing with relationships, friends or significant others.
But for me, it sucks cause I am way to nice but lonely, and is known for being used.

I try to make this short as possible.

So I know this guy. [race have nothing to do with it just know I am black and he is Chinese].
I met him on an online game in June 2013. We found out we live in the same city and we instantly wanted to hang out with one another. Anyway I thought of him more as a close friend almost like being a brother to me. But I do not know when those feelings changed to actually being in love with him.

Wel he very kind to me, always takes me out to eat lunch and sometimes buys me gifts. For the first year and a half, the most he have done to be was just cuddle. Nothing over the top or anything. He also have some Mental Illness like depression and other stuff that similar to me as well so he understand me better than most people.

Anyway case, he good for lying though. He says he not in a relationship when I first met him, but his facebook and his FB messages said otherwise. There are other stuff he had lied about that I had to find out through people and sometimes it hurt. Cause he lied before and after I fell for him.

Anyway jump later, we finally gotten closer and things got physical. That first time, felt like he really was intimate with me. The second time stuff got physical, it just seem he just wanted to please himself and call it quits. Right after that, I left for China. We had no communication for 6 months cause he was ignoring my text messages.

In december I texted him on his birthday and he finally responded back. He said he was in a very dark place and he couldnt respond to me.[Sidenote{He lives in a very strict and sometimes very verbally abusive household with his parents that cause him to lose himself]

Anyway, after sometimes catching up, he wanted to come work in China with me so we can live together. Now he doesnt like China but he was "willingly" to do whatever possible to work with me so he can get away from home and save money. Anyway he got denied at my company but my friend in china told him he can get a job with his company, but my friend refuse to look any further saying he cant leave. Saying he gotten worst in his mental state and needed to go see a therapist.

Anyway I am back home now and I have met with him again (spent a day and night with him in an Inn). Of course stuff got intimate (was love making but just regular and casual) but throughout the day, night, and the next morning, he asked me "Are you ok" about 100 times. A very few times, it was appropriate but most of the time, it was unnecessary. I mean I liked the attention but it was just weird.

Now I am starting to doubt his motives. He says I am very important to him and special. He says he care for me and that he doesnt ever want me to leave him. There are a few times that when he made me upset he would become scared and try to cheer me up and open up to me even though he doesn't want to. BUT he have trust issues and he said he would want to be by my side always to guide and support me but he can't. He said with the stuff he dealing with including his Sage 3 depression and tendencies to run away, he cant always be there for me. Which is why he doesnt want to be in a relationship with me. Even though I told him I dont care about what he going through and want to support him as well, and show him that he can trust me, it like it goes on deaf ear. But he doesnt mind doing the other stuff that physical with me that couples to.

I have told him I do not want to be his friends with benefits. I drills that in, and he said I am not, but that doesnt make sense to me what so ever.

Now I am doubting him, myself, and wanting to push him away and everything. But he also my major support person and losing him would be a very big blow to me.My emotions right now is so confuse. Like I have no life in me anymore. The stuff he says or jokes about can just trigger me instantly and it just one big fuss.

And with other the other emotional draining things besides him, I am just exhausted. But I very much love him very much. I would do anything for him. I do have trust issues as well but I putting them on the line for him and hoping that it will not backfired on me. I just do not know what to do.

Sometimes I wish I wasnt me or I wish I wasnt here. Cause honestly I feel like I am not good enough for anyone and that everyone just like to use me like all the other people did in my past. Besides BPD, I also have DID, PTSD, and Depression as well, it dealing with all that is just a pain. I have to go through so much to act normal around family and coworkers but I come home, by myself and just want it all to be over. I am tired of crying over stuff I do not know or crying cause I am not good enough or crying cause my friendships with people are bad.

Thanks for reading. I just need to vent. There more but right now that all I can think about.

Do you feel like the relationship is healthy for you? If you don't understand him or can't relate to what he is doing, then perhaps the degree of connection isn't sufficient for the relationship to be sustainable or healthy, or all that fulfilling in the long term.

DID is an extremely rare and difficult problem. I'm amazed that anyone who truly has that diagnosis can function at all. In my job I see all kinds of folks with psych issues but have only ever met one with true DID. It was the creepiest thing I've ever seen. Most psych issues are only quantitatively different from "normal", not qualitatively, but that DID case felt truly alien to me.

Having DID is a struggle and I had a hard time dealing with it before I left for China. Before I left, I would lose times and days due to switching involuntary and voluntary, physically harm myself due to accidents my other self would do, and many other stuff. It is hard to explain but since going to China, the others (besides Mimi) are lock in something I did deep within me that I can't remember doing so. So I havent had switching that much so I can function normally in my job.

About the relationship, I do not know what a healthy relationship for me is. I do not even understand what he wants out of me now and in the future. I mean when it comes to regularly talking about what we like (like games and anime), we are cool. But when it come to him asking me to webcam sexual stuff with him [when I was in china] (after numerous of times telling him that that would trigger really bad memories) I get uncomfortable cause he keeps asking me over and over hoping that I would cave in.

I'm leaning strongly toward the 'unhealthy' pole on the relationship-o-meter, based on that information. The chinese men I've known tend to also be controlling and more than a little awkward in romantic situations (a terrible generalization, but one based on experiences with the culture), but pressuring you into stuff like that is a failure to respect your personal sovereignty. Having a mutual interest in anime, etc. isn't a sufficient basis for a long term or deep relationship in light of that.

I understand it quite unhealthly, especially after I hanged out with just within the past 24 hours. Everything was going fine until he gotten something a single guy (who single by choice ) doesnt need which doesn't make sense and the fact he wouldn't be honest in telling me why he got it.
I understand our mutual interest is not enough for a relationship. I said that cause he seem normal and caring when we talking about our mutual interest or things that happen that we both know.
I just wish he treated me as his bestfriend instead of Bestfriend with benefits something I discussed to him that I strongly dislike. But I am so weak that I cant do anything but self hate myself.

I would take sex out of the equation completely until the both of you spend significant time together and establish a true bond/friendship. Sex will only complicate emotions, on both sides. If you can hang out and have fun without the sex, then something's there. If you find you have not much to talk about, then you have your answer too.

You are going through the classic BPD push/pull thing. Push him away and see if he stays away (then you are justified in being wary), and pull him back in because you're afraid to lose him.

I wish you the best of luck, regardless of what happens. Sometimes you have to do what's best for YOU.