maybe I'm borderline

Hey guys
I am male, 25 years old.
Lately I've been reading about personality disorders.
All of the sudden I could place a lot of people in the "borderline" category.
Then I remembered some crazy $#%^ and I think it could be just projection method.

Since like 17 I've been having these mood swings, sometimes hating people I should love. Never wanted to hurt them, but I think many times I did...

Never had a "normal" relationship. Had this one girl who maybe loved me. But the more she showed love, the more I wanted to run away, thinking she will disappoint me. In the end she did. Or it was me, I don't know anymore. When she left, I wanted her back.

I knew something is wrong with me for a long time, but only when I analyzed my thoughts in detail I came to this conclusion.

Drug abuse was a big problem for me. I was using some of the strongest psychedelics, in ridiculous doses. It induced a psychotic episode lasting for over a year. Friends are surprised I survived all of that stuff, so am I sometimes.

But during that time I remembered a lot of stuff which may be the reason I am like this.
When I was 3 years old someone kissed me in the mouth. I wiped it, and the person did it again, telling me I must have his/hers saliva on my face until it dried out. I never again remembered that moment until one heavy psychedelic trip. Now the memory is gone again, but I know I was confused and scared then. When I was 7 some older girl took me to the closet to "play Santa Barbara". she was kissing me with the tongue and I didn't like it. Didn't even know what she was doing. I liked that girl. Never knew why she did that. The more I think of it the funnier it is, but at that time I'm not sure it was.

Regular beatings were also very common, from both my parents. My mother was overprotective, never taught me how to defend myself. Also would beat the $#%^ out of me when I did something wrong. Now she acts like it didn't happen, called me crazy when I mentioned this one time when she broke a wooden spoon on me and my brother.
Father was beating the $#%^ out of me even more often with this army leather belt, aiming to hit me with this big metal buckle. Next day he would ask me to show him the bruises when driving me to school. Never did they admit it or told me it wasn't my fault. I never thought of it until all that experimenting with psychedelics. In school kids didn't really like me, because I was from a country we were in war with at the time. It wasn't very popular thing. But I never needed their affection, I sort of wanted to be alone anyway. And I've been alone all my life, because of not trusting anyone out of fear they will hurt me. But now I realize it may not be the best solution to feel like that.

Well, I don't know the truth. Don't even know why I'm on some forum writing all this to random people who will have the will to read some of that ###$ up $#%^.

Never mind, maybe it's just weird holding it all to myself. If I write it down somewhere, maybe it will feel better. I don't know. Hope you guys are okay.

Peace

mwnm wrote:Lately I've been reading about personality disorders.
All of the sudden I could place a lot of people in the "borderline" category.
Then I remembered some crazy $#%^ and I think it could be just projection method.

I'm older and identify with covert NPD which is similar to BPD. I just wanted to say I can totally relate to what you said. I trait surfed for years learning about things because I kind of knew something was wrong with me. I had that "more than a doubt" knowledge. I could relate to almost everything I read in a very psychosomatic way. But, man, I used the heck out of that stuff on everyone else. It became a *huge* tool. I categorized almost everyone. It was like an instruction book for how to deal with different people.

How little did I know it was *I* who needed an instruction book (in the opposite sense). That's narcissism right there.

Sorry I can't help more. But, there is a very close connection between cNPD and BPD. So, projecting is definitely possible.

A male borderline. That's gotta suck, dude. To possess the sensitivity of a female cannot be fun. I certainly do not envy you.

Since like 17 I've been having these mood swings, sometimes hating people I should love. Never wanted to hurt them, but I think many times I did...

the mood swings bother me all the time. at times you're allowed to have anger against people who are supposed to love you. its like earlier the ritual was for wives to worship their husbands. but if a husband is abusive then the wife is allowed to leave him.

Well, I don't know the truth. Don't even know why I'm on some forum writing all this to random people who will have the will to read some of that ###$ up $#%^.

Never mind, maybe it's just weird holding it all to myself. If I write it down somewhere, maybe it will feel better. I don't know. Hope you guys are okay.

this forum has helped me a lot. hope it helps you as well.

I'm not sure why people are self diagnosing themselves. You need to get an actual assessment done by a psychologist.

This is the very reason why I don't come in here much, it is just so offensive to me when people come in here thinking that we are just overemotional people who have relationship problems and daddy issues.

BPD is actually one of the most complex personality disorders there is because there is a gigantic list of symptoms and disorders it can cause. It was named "Borderline" because it borders many other disorders, but last time I heard they were planning on changing the name because the name upset a lot of people who have BPD, because they feel like they do not just border other mental illnesses, they can go full blown into them.
One of the most important things they look at when diagnosing you with BPD is dual diagnosis, and not just accompanying addictions, but also accompaning mood disorders, mental illnesses and symptoms and all sorts of things.
The personality itself is unique in its way of thinking, and there are literally multiple ways of thinking, it's such a complex personality disorder to hvae, and it's not uncommon for BPD patients to have other personality disorders as well.
The whole label of being "sensitive" can either explain it or really insult it. We can be sensitive individuals with a different way of looking at the world and because of the way our personality is, it opens doors for a lot of problem areas.
BPD is not all just about abandonment issues, it's an actual personality disorder that emcompasses a lot of possible symptoms and the assessment is very long, and you have to match a lot of it in order to be diagnosed with BPD, at least that's how it was when I was diagnosed.
They spent a lot of my life misdiagnosing me before they finally figured it out, I had dual diagnosis, addictive personality, eating disorders, psychotic symptoms, delusions, anger problems and lots of other symptoms and they were always changing their mind until they did a huge assesment and my scores were nearly perfect, which meant everything about my personality matched this personality disorder.
Fortunately, I'm not one of those people who have lived my entire life thinking I have to limit myself because of my diagnosis and I've managed to do more than cope, but I don't let them tell me who I am or who I have to be, I can be whoever I want to be!

stochastic_process wrote:A male borderline. That's gotta suck, dude. To possess the sensitivity of a female cannot be fun. I certainly do not envy you.

????

promenade11 wrote:

stochastic_process wrote:sensitivity

????

His borderline girlfriend dumped him, and he refuses to let go of his resentment for her. The irony is priceless.

Hmm some of the posts in here are less than helpful to say the least.

I think you are very brave for coming on here and sharing your experiences, sorry you have had some of the replies you have. Like yourself, a few years back, I too found information on borderline personality disorder and it seemed to make a lot of sense to me. After many years of not really knowing what was going on with me I felt quite relieved to find something that may be the answer. I spoke to my doctor about it but unfortunately she wasn't familiar with it and it wasn't until yet another failed suicide attempt and seeing the mental health team I spoke with them about it they referred me to a psychiatrist. once he saw all my history agreed that he too thought I had BPD.

You know your difficulties better than anybody, if you feel you can relate to the information you have read then see a doctor and ask for an assessment. There is help out there available. Good luck x

If only it were that easy to get an assessment from a doctor. Wishing you much more luck than I've had. I've given up with doctors.

Hey guys

I'm surprised to get so many replies.
It's been tough lately facing all the fears, but it's much easier than avoiding them and I feel better and stronger than ever.
Don't really care about definitions or doctors. Never trusted them. We can cure ourselves.
My guess is that my problems are defined as "borderline", but I really don't care for those definitions and categories which are made like we are some products on the shelf. All of us are human, with our own uniqueness. Also, we all have fights we have to win.
Now when I know what my enemy is the fight will be more than worth it.

Also, I will never give attention to disrespectful comments, and hope you won't either.
Doesn't help anyone. Focus on the good stuff.

I hope you guys pull through whatever you have to.

Love you all.