Losing it again

Life. I'm losing at life. I don't know why I'm posting this here...you people have your own sh|t going on I'm sure.

Bah, I was thinking about burning a house down because I would get a lengthy prison sentence. I'd do ok in prison probably.

I read all these online self-help articles about turning things around, being more attractive etc. I learn that my perspectives and strategies are theoretically sound and the results are dismal. I think I am profoundly unhappy, in general... My personhood is void of any nectar, my spirit is buried so deeply behind shame that it has become petrified in rock.

Psychedelic drugs are the only way I can regulate my neurotransmitters and have a happy and confident outlook, but my prevailing consciousness underlying the euphoric and epiphanic thought content still reminds me that I'm actually worthless to others at the core, struggling only makes matters worse. But it feels good to fake it. I like to take note that when I'm out and about I am always on the fringes of society - "society" like the underlying fabric that holds people together and the conduit for impulses to mate and gather socially, but I just observe.. One observation is that I am all but invisible to everyone except CRAZY people. I sometimes think I am their leader. The drugs help with perspective.

I've taken to stalking my ex a bit and I sense this behaviour is a little less harmless with every iteration.

Stupid thread. Back to business as usual. 80% moving overseas or a life of crime. 100% chance of failure.

Grasp at those moments that make you feel 'good', brother. It's about the best we can do at times of stress.

joltaire, I think I get where you're coming from right now, the feeling of being a perpetual observer of and not an active participant in life. The majority of my time and energy is spent on activities that control my symptoms and slowly change my knee-jerk reactions, which is a necessary step, but I know that as of yet, I'm not actually living a life in any meaningful way. It takes exploration and experimentation to figure out what you like and what makes you happy. In the meantime, observing other people in the world feels much like walking through a zoo or a really foreign country. "Oh, that's what they do here for fun. Interesting." Feeling invisible in this scenario is a natural byproduct, and it is indeed a lonely feeling. I've been having the hardest time with connection, and unfortunately when you feel lost, the only people who will notice you are those other people who are rudderless and alone.

If your ex has blocked you and changed her number, you have to leave that alone. You're definitely not the only one who's been through this kind of scenario, and I think that just about everyone will tell you that trying to contact her will not end well at all for you. It's just going to damage you further, so even though it's hard to resist the temptation, you need to stop trying to get in touch with her. It's really the best thing for you.

To accept that you are powerless to change a situation that you previously held dominion over

To accept that someone who declared you to be the love of their life, is so close in proximity but a world apart emotionally

Most people can let go of these things as they are a regular part of life, but I guess I can't respect the boundary that delineates her from me, that the divergence is real, that all hope is lost

But I CAN remind myself that I am not really pure of intention, that my goal really is just to dominate her again. I am just limited in the tactics I can use.

What's funny is the second I find someone else it won't matter, and the ex won't matter (as she never has, insofar as respecting her personhood goes), and the new person won't matter either. Nothing matters, is valued, respected, or even thought of as important........until you've lost your grip on it, that is. I'm trying to get all this perspective, to realize where I am failing, but I get hung up on the idea that the most successful tactics that people ordinarily use in society are way outside of my grasp.

Learning to combat loneliness is central to controlling your own mind.