Vengeful Child

Things were very complicated in my childhood. I wouldn't be able too far go into it, but enough went on to make me this way and I am angry about it.

I was "always a sensitive child." No I wasn't. I was depressed, unstable, angry and frightened. Being called sensitive takes the blame away from the environment and directs it towards the child.

I was "very intolerant." No I wasn't. I was struggling to deal with internal pain and suffering caused by my environment and could not cope with anymore external stressors. I also have Misophonia and Misokinesia. If someone makes a certain noise, I can't cope. I also can't cope if someone makes a certain movement, such as tapping their feet or fingers. I would express my distress and would be called intolerant.

I was "always happy." No I wasn't. I put on a brave face, but even then I was very obviously suffering.

I would make "a mountain out of a molehill;" I would take things "too seriously;" I would be "moody;" I would take things "too far" and blah blah blah I was ill.

Even when the signs were blatantly there, they were ignored. I heard voices, had delusions, had tics, obsessional thinking and behaviour, violent behaviour. I would isolate myself and spend time drawing picture after picture depicting extreme violence towards myself and others. I was "weird." I was ill.

But right now I'm in the best position I have ever been in. I've never been in this much pain before, but I've never felt this much power either. I've been looking into myself more as well as looking into my past and I've learned a lot. I'm ready now.

When I was a little boy, I couldn't voice my opinion; I couldn't defend myself; I couldn't do anything. That little boy is still alive inside of me. He's still hurting, but he's angry and he's vengeful. I can fight for him now and get some closure. Those "parents" of mine did not care before, but they owe me and soon I'll make them pay.

We are adults now, but the children inside are still hurting. Perhaps we'll be the guardians that we needed long ago.

"We are adults now, but the children inside are still hurting" - couldn't agree more.

I was "always a sensitive child." No I wasn't. I was depressed, unstable, angry and frightened. Being called sensitive takes the blame away from the environment and directs it towards the child.

It's good to be sensitive. There is nothing bad about that. It's not something to take on as blame either.

When I was a little boy, I couldn't voice my opinion; I couldn't defend myself; I couldn't do anything. That little boy is still alive inside of me. He's still hurting, but he's angry and he's vengeful. I can fight for him now and get some closure. Those "parents" of mine did not care before, but they owe me and soon I'll make them pay.

That is your anger speaking. But anger, is a dangerous entity if you do not learn to control it, it controls you.

Your parents are only flawed human beings. Just like everyone else. Flawed and imperfect. They could not understand your internal world nor the emotions that come with the sensitivity. Do you think it was deliberate? I doubt it.

Vengeance? On your parents? For what exactly? Did they beat you, abuse you mentally and emotionally with the desire to cause you harm?

We are adults now, but the children inside are still hurting. Perhaps we'll be the guardians that we needed long ago.

Hurt people, hurt people.

Reparenting the inner child is a another psychology. http://lonerwolf.com/re-parent-your-inner-child/

Demiana, You do not understand, I do not trust you and I do not believe that your opinion can help in any way.

So I will not speak with you.

I didn't ask you to trust me.
You posted your statements in a public forum. Was that for attention? Narc supply? Or some other purpose?

My opinion? Mind stating what that opinion is?

All that may be surmised here, is that this was a NS drop for yourself.

It must be really frustrating for you to have these thoughts and feelings. I think they're normal though, if you come from a background of abuse, neglect, etc. Contrary to what people say, you do NOT have to forgive, it is completely your choice whether you want to or not. And it is understandable to be angry at caregivers that were supposed to love you unconditionally but did not.

Demiana wrote:All that may be surmised here, is that this was a NS drop for yourself.

Oh go away already you pest.

FellDown wrote:Things were very complicated in my childhood. I wouldn't be able too far go into it, but enough went on to make me this way and I am angry about it.

I was "always a sensitive child." No I wasn't. I was depressed, unstable, angry and frightened. Being called sensitive takes the blame away from the environment and directs it towards the child.

I was "very intolerant." No I wasn't. I was struggling to deal with internal pain and suffering caused by my environment and could not cope with anymore external stressors. I also have Misophonia and Misokinesia. If someone makes a certain noise, I can't cope. I also can't cope if someone makes a certain movement, such as tapping their feet or fingers. I would express my distress and would be called intolerant.

I was "always happy." No I wasn't. I put on a brave face, but even then I was very obviously suffering.

I would make "a mountain out of a molehill;" I would take things "too seriously;" I would be "moody;" I would take things "too far" and blah blah blah I was ill.

Even when the signs were blatantly there, they were ignored. I heard voices, had delusions, had tics, obsessional thinking and behaviour, violent behaviour. I would isolate myself and spend time drawing picture after picture depicting extreme violence towards myself and others. I was "weird." I was ill.

But right now I'm in the best position I have ever been in. I've never been in this much pain before, but I've never felt this much power either. I've been looking into myself more as well as looking into my past and I've learned a lot. I'm ready now.

When I was a little boy, I couldn't voice my opinion; I couldn't defend myself; I couldn't do anything. That little boy is still alive inside of me. He's still hurting, but he's angry and he's vengeful. I can fight for him now and get some closure. Those "parents" of mine did not care before, but they owe me and soon I'll make them pay.

We are adults now, but the children inside are still hurting. Perhaps we'll be the guardians that we needed long ago.

I could have written this myself.