Abandonment problems and being attached to people

I thought the reason I got so upset over L leaving was because I fancied her. And sure, a part of it was that. But today a friend at work got offered another job and I feel so upset. I knew she'd applied so it wasn't really a shock but I always thought I'd be ok with it. I know I will keep in touch with her and there is a specific role she does that I will now be offered instead, which will be good for me. But since I've heard I've felt terrible and like she is abandoning me. I've been close to her and told her a lot of emotional stuff.

Another friend is about to go on holiday for 2 weeks and I even feel really upset about that. With this friend, I've even started to wonder lately if I fancy her. But I think it's just being emotionally attached to her and finding it hard without her being there.

I feel so bad that I'm starting to think I'd be better off without friends because I get so attached to them and feel so abandoned when they leave. Yet I have few friends at work and wish I had more because I feel I need the attention from them. But that leads me to become attached etc etc.

I'm not sure how to have healthy relationships with people any more.

I wish it worked like that. I wish we didn't need people, but we do. I simultaneously love and hate being attached, but it's part of life to connect with other people.

Practicing being alone has helped me some. I spend more time doing things by myself. I spent about 8 months being single after being in one relationship after another so I could cope with being romantically alone. It helped a lot. I now fully realize that I can survive on my own without someone actively loving me. It makes it easier to deal with the idea of being without it now that I'm loved and in love again.

i suffer from this all time. i had joined a new firm and it had barely been 4 months, when i heard that a colleague was leaving.

i hadnt spoken much with her. we were in the same team but we werent friends.

when she said she was leaving the job, i felt isolated, as if my family was ripping apart.

our office is shifting its location and i dont want even that to occur though the new office would reduce my travel time.

i guess its because i think everyone as my family. if a kid learns that his parents are moving away, the kid feels abandoned.

i guess part of it is also the reason that my colleague went to a better place while i'm still stuck with my life

sorry i dont any insightful advice.

Thank you both, and no need to apologise Jaus. Your comments are always helpful.

I have spent today at home by myself and it was good. I feel better, although I did cry over L once.

Our team at work is changing. First L left, then another woman at work is leaving soon, and now my friend is leaving. It makes me sad.

Jaus I think part of it could be as you said. Even my fiancée has just got a new job. Part of me feels like I want something like that to get attention.

I can add something to this. I am not BPD or NPD, but do have a odd form of attachment disorder. Only once in my life have I gone into a situation where I thought I might get caught and be romantically attached. The other time it happened because I did not think I would get attached.
And did , almost by accident.

When I think people are going to abandon me, initially I panic and it is very,very bad. Unbearable. Then if they stay away long enough, about three days to a week, the panic "breaks" so to speak. Until the panic "breaks" it is an unbelievable nightmare.Then after abut two weeks I wonder why I even cared about them at all. At three weeks, I start to forget them. And in about a month I don't even think about them. it They simply don't exist for me. It is weird. But no matter how much I might like someone or think I am in love etc. Give me three to six weeks and I almost literally forget them . Family, friends , lovers, It's as if they don't exist. If there is nothing to trigger me I don't even think about them. But if I can't get some time and distance away from people I get attached too it is brutally hard for me to move on.... I can do it ,but it is beyond agonizing.

I was in an extremely powerful relationship back East and because I got enough distance I almost never think of her. I haven't seen her in 21 years and I have zero urge too. I was over her in a month ad never missed her after. I will never see her again and I don't care .

I find it strange how I can get so powerfully attached and share the extreme intimacy with a woman and then under the right circumstances, a few weeks away, I essentially forget her.

I am not sure if I have always been this way. I remember being very emotional as a little child, The side of me tat relates to people that way may have died because of stuff in my childhood or maybe I was born like this or both.

In many ways I am glad I am this way. No one could sustain the abandonment feeling I have over along time, it would destroy them. So in some ways I am lucky to be this way. I am not sure I would change this part of me even if I could.

jaus tail wrote:i guess its because i think everyone as my family.

Wow, I have never heard anybody besides myself describing it like this..
I have never been able to have regular friendships. Any friends I have, end up feeling like family. I always thought it just meant I was a "good friend", but have realized that it's more of my attachment issues..

I just try not to get too close to people now..


I've had this happen before with a boyfriend who worked with me. We worked together two jobs in a row. The second one was going very good for me, but not for him.. So he said he was going to look for something else. I felt heart broken, betrayed, abandoned, all sorts of emotions, and he wasn't even GONE yet! I started crying, even though in my head I reminded myself that my emotions were getting the best of me. He joked that I was acting as if we were breaking up. It made me chuckle a little when he said that, because I knew he was right. So I stopped crying and kept telling myself it'll be fine, but I still had the feeling of dread.. There is no rationalizing with these emotions, but we have to try and force ourselves to move past it..

I think crying over it is fine, it relieves some of the built up pressure.. As long as you don't spend all day crying. So don't feel bad for that. It's good that you feel better.

Just take it day by day, I hope the days continue to get better for you.

I have the same issues. I too used to think it was only women I liked, but it turns out, it happens with other people, just on a smaller level than with a woman I like romantically.

When a new person comes into work I immediately distrust them until they prove themselves to be a valuable member, and I know I can get along with them. I know on some level it's because I fear other people will not want to hang out with me anymore because they want to spend all their time with the new person. Similarly, when someone leaves, I feel sadness and emptiness. It reminds me of how temporary things are, and how people come and go (of course though, I only focus on the "going" of others). So I do feel a fear of abandonment from everyone on some level, but some people more than others.

I feel it with family too. I was sitting there at Christmas and I remember that all I could think was "one day, they will all be dead and I will be all alone, all I will have is their memories." It's so morbid and effed up, but I see potential abandonment everywhere.

isolation leads to new issues. increased anxiety, ocd, etc. wouldn't recommend it.