Object Constancy and Separation Anxiety

Just wondering what your thoughts on this are, if any. And what have been your own personal experiences with this, if you'd like to share. I remember as a young child being separated from my parents in a large city in a department store for what seemed a very long time....and you?

Even my earliest memories are those of people leaving. My mother had people leaving her life all the time, so when I was a very young child, I just thought that's the way the world was. There are people around for a rather short time, then they're simply gone. I think it''s why I have difficulty feeling attachment in general, with the exception of romantic relationships, when I become extremely needy.

i used to say that my mother was a whore, but that would be insulting to whores. i never was anxious that she would leave me. i left her around 18 when i had enough of her telling me what a horrible human being i was. it's when i had my first bpd episode. you know, when reality fades away, that silent rage, when you act calmly, don't speak, it's like psychosis but isn't. i packed my $#%^ in the car and drove off. in retrospect i think she was yelling at me or telling me to stop all the way to the car but at the time i couldn't hear anything. i think what triggered it was that she said i was just like all other guys, and sobbed to emotionally manipulate me, in yet another attempt to make me feel like a worthless sack of $#%^. implying that i was just like all the boyfriends she had ###$ and dumped over the years, which let's face it, was a tremendous amount. you know, all those stepdads: the drunk, the pervert, the psycho, the child, and all the other guys you don't even bother to remember, and all the guys you know existed but you never met because she was always ######6 around. she wired my brain since birth to think sex equals love, that i should not exist in the presence of women, and that women will always leave you, and she just went full incestuous @@@@@@@ in that last encounter. and that just triggered the ###$ out of me, and my romantic relationships have only gotten worse since, as i keep getting more and more masochistic over the years, in a pathetic attempt to replace her as a maternal figure.

i don't know what object constancy is supposed to mean. but separation anxiety? not when it comes to my parents. they were never really present. you can't grow emotionally attached to someone who was never there for you, or someone who kept placing you last or shoving you away. you can't love or hate someone like that. there's only apathy. i only feel separation anxiety when i am in a relationship with someone i have grown emotionally attached to.

When I was younger, I think I don't had more separation Anxiety then other kids.

And in the present I'm confused about this actually, for some kind of reason people seem to naturally like me. But I don't like to start relationships, cause they give me anxiety. I wonder if that anxiety comes from the chance of them leaving you. Or that i find the whole deeper interaction of relationships scarey.
What I do seem to recognize is that I really prefer shallow relationships(matter a fact I enjoy these), and subconsciously I try to prevent them turning into deeper relationships.
I just realised this after typing this post, I need to fix this..

I think mine began when my brother died when I was 2 and he was 3 months. My mum says I used to cry and refuse to leave her when they took me to school. I was anxious being away from my parents right up until I was about 22. I hated university, I spent the whole time counting down the hours until I got to go home again.

When I started to date, I'd spend the whole time worrying that the person was about to break up with me. Which lead them to actually break up with me in a couple of cases. My fiancée is the only one who has been able to put up with this.

When she is late to work or doesn't text me at a certain time I panic that something has happened to her.

They joke about me at work because if it gets to 10am and one of my colleagues isn't in, I start panicking about them. They call me 'the team worrier'.

Rigning wrote:i used to say that my mother was a whore, but that would be insulting to whores. i never was anxious that she would leave me. i left her around 18 when i had enough of her telling me what a horrible human being i was. it's when i had my first bpd episode. you know, when reality fades away, that silent rage, when you act calmly, don't speak, it's like psychosis but isn't. i packed my $#%^ in the car and drove off. in retrospect i think she was yelling at me or telling me to stop all the way to the car but at the time i couldn't hear anything. i think what triggered it was that she said i was just like all other guys, and sobbed to emotionally manipulate me, in yet another attempt to make me feel like a worthless sack of $#%^. implying that i was just like all the boyfriends she had ###$ and dumped over the years, which let's face it, was a tremendous amount. you know, all those stepdads: the drunk, the pervert, the psycho, the child, and all the other guys you don't even bother to remember, and all the guys you know existed but you never met because she was always ######6 around. she wired my brain since birth to think sex equals love, that i should not exist in the presence of women, and that women will always leave you, and she just went full incestuous @@@@@@@ in that last encounter. and that just triggered the ###$ out of me, and my romantic relationships have only gotten worse since, as i keep getting more and more masochistic over the years, in a pathetic attempt to replace her as a maternal figure.

i don't know what object constancy is supposed to mean. but separation anxiety? not when it comes to my parents. they were never really present. you can't grow emotionally attached to someone who was never there for you, or someone who kept placing you last or shoving you away. you can't love or hate someone like that. there's only apathy. i only feel separation anxiety when i am in a relationship with someone i have grown emotionally attached to.

You shouldn't have had to go through that. Should have had a mum who put you first like mine did. Mine was emotionally abusive half the time and even that f$#@ed me up so your difficulties must be enourmous. Very wrong. I think apathy is the way to go but that might bring anger under the surface.

Dont treat other women the same if that's what you mean. They are hurting too I expect. Have their own issues just like your mum did. My dad I cannot forgive and he was just emotionally abusive vs distant and I don't want to see him again as he continues to upset me. I can't forgive him. I expect it's the same with your mum whayever the cause of her behaviour she has hurt you too much?

I hope you are in therapy. Was your dad around? Maybe better to see a man. I'm the opposite. I treat men like $#%^...projection!

Object constancy for me is attachments to people who show me even the slightest positive attention because I didn't always get it. I buy things that remind me of them and wear them. Transitional objects these are called. Object constancy I think is linked but not sure. I fret for these caring people who run a mile!

If people are out of sight then I do worry they will forget about me. It's like if we aren't there in front of each other neither of us exists to one another. Like I can't imagine anyone thinking about me or caring about me if I am not 100% there in all ways.

It happened for me, I think, when my best friend since I was a baby lost her grandma. Once her grandma died it was harder for us to see each other and our parents didn't really take the initiative, and we were too young so...we lost touch all of a sudden once her grandmother died. We never spoke, this was before social media, so...yeah. Since then I just got the idea in my head that people never stick around and that they forget about you. So I always did things to never be forgotten - always trying to be in touch as much as possible so they didn't forget me and move on.

Funnily enough, I met her again at university, over 10 years later. She came up to me and called my name and was so happy to see me. I looked at her and I said "sorry, who are you?" And she told me. So after all these years, she could pick me out in a crowd of 300+ people and I didn't know her face. And she told me she had no idea how we lost touch like that and that she often felt bad about it. So my assumptions were wrong but I can't change my mind on the separation anxiety issue.

oath wrote:If people are out of sight then I do worry they will forget about me. It's like if we aren't there in front of each other neither of us exists to one another. Like I can't imagine anyone thinking about me or caring about me if I am not 100% there in all ways.

It happened for me, I think, when my best friend since I was a baby lost her grandma. Once her grandma died it was harder for us to see each other and our parents didn't really take the initiative, and we were too young so...we lost touch all of a sudden once her grandmother died. We never spoke, this was before social media, so...yeah. Since then I just got the idea in my head that people never stick around and that they forget about you. So I always did things to never be forgotten - always trying to be in touch as much as possible so they didn't forget me and move on.

Funnily enough, I met her again at university, over 10 years later. She came up to me and called my name and was so happy to see me. I looked at her and I said "sorry, who are you?" And she told me. So after all these years, she could pick me out in a crowd of 300+ people and I didn't know her face. And she told me she had no idea how we lost touch like that and that she often felt bad about it. So my assumptions were wrong but I can't change my mind on the separation anxiety issue.

I think I've been the same but for different reasons. My dad left me which could have contributed, but then some cousins fell out with me too and took their kids with them whom I loved. All that loss meant I was a people pleaser constantly trying to keep hold of others. Keeping in touch more than they wanted usually. Then they would get a bf and vanish pretty much. I'm lonely but sociable so was desperate for closeness. Fun. Loyalty. Never happened enough for me.

I've realised now that we are separate. You are separate and you are not the centre of the universe which I'm saying warmly as I felt it too. They have their own lives and troubles. You are not their priority. I realised I'm not important to others and that's initially painful but then freedom comes. Independrnce.

I know people don't have to be there for me. If they chooseto be that is wonderful because I don't expect it but more importantly don't need it. Don't need! Independent.

It's more about what we can do for others expecting nothing in return.

When you have depressions well that is difficult as people should be there for us but maybe still we should not expect it? Even from psychiatrists although I'm cynical.

I've digressed majorly. Sorry!

My first memory is when my mom left in my toddler years. I didn't think she would come back. She did after being away for 2 years.

angelinbluejeans wrote:Just wondering what your thoughts on this are, if any. And what have been your own personal experiences with this, if you'd like to share. I remember as a young child being separated from my parents in a large city in a department store for what seemed a very long time....and you?

Why you stopped PMing me?