What kind of child were you ?

What kind of child were you ?

My mother told me that I was crying all the time since I was born. They were desperate with me in kindergarten and blamed it on my mother because she was working a lot (she was a single mother and a great mother).
I remember being over emotional and sensitive (still am) to the point that when the teacher would talk to me, I would cry straight away. I remember crying in front of TV watching the news images from the Kosovo War in 1998.
Obviously the other kids would pick on me and call me 'baby'.
My mother also told me that I was very shy, solitary, dreamy (I suffered from maladaptive daydreaming)...spent my time drawing, reading and listening to my parents Cds. I was afraid of everything and I remember that perfectly. Afraid of the other kids, people in general, water (learned to swim at 9), most animals but mostly dogs, heights, darkness, being lost, roller coasters+ bumper cars, cycling (although I loved it when I was able to ride), clowns, tempests, boats... I still carry some of these fears with me, although I would say that I am a pretty bold person.
I was not eating much and persuaded myself that I didnt like chocolate and Coca cola (my controlling father put this in my head).
However there was an another side of my personality which I explored while doing some acting in a small theatre. I was a bit of a comic, loved to act and make people's laugh. By making people laugh I would sort of gain their affection. I had a lot of bursting love inside me and I always wanted to be cuddled by my mother.
I was born with a bone disease, I have dyscalculia (same than dyslexia but with numbers) and I grew up along mostly white people...So I was really bad in my skin and wished I were blonde with blue eyes (Im mixed race). Thank god, I no longer think like this and embrace my heritage
I remember talking to insects and eating some of them as well ha (I was obeying some voices in m head). Although I lived a very recluse childhood where vampires were my friends, I had a flying carpet and I was a princess of some galaxy, the opinion of others did matter to me and I remember crying because other children would call me weird.

Possible TW

I know I was quiet because of the abuse (emotional and sexual) that took place all around me and I never ever said a word, which lead me to feel an intense sadness. My sadness wasn't the one of a child, more the one of an adult.

Thanks for reading x

My father had is other family, his real family. My mother was a single parent working two jobs, so she wasn't around. I was mostly left alone with my books, my drawing materials and television. It's why I spend most of my time in my fantasy world and can't deal with actual life. As a child I was always pretending...acting out scenes from movies and such, entertaining myself on an almost constant basis. Real life was never as interesting to me as my fantasy life.

As a child I was so much more alive and fearless than I have been as an adult. As a child I didn't have to worry about bills and paying for my own food, so in a way I didn't have any worries. However, as an adult, well that's when the problems started. I've simply never had the patience or interest to deal with things that don't interest me...and not much of real life interests me.

Hi alihosi

It sounds like you had a pretty unique childhood. I can relate to some parts of your post. I'm sorry to hear about the abuse, and about the bone disease.

I was pretty hyper and playful as a child. Adventurous and kind of fearless (sneaking out of the house to explore). At the same time, I felt sort of "weird" or different from the other kids. I remember being in kidnergarten and just feeling like I didn't fit in somehow. I didn't like going to birthday parties because I just felt like kind of an outsider, even though I wasn't bullied or excluded, that I remember. I was really anxious though and always sort of too young acting for my age, very insecure and unsure of myself in most situations.

I liked to read a lot and was very advanced in reading and spelling, although I was slow at math and things that required rote memorization. I was very imaginative and like to play pretend games.

I tended to have few friends I would get really close to, almost inappropriately close. Wanting to sleep over at their house all the time. Sometimes I would turn on my friends for no reason and cuss them out.

Now that I think about it, I wonder if my feeling of being "different" from other kids came from abuse starting at an early age, and maybe dealing with things a child shouldn't have been dealing with. I may have developed normally if it weren't for that.

Danieleaf wrote:As a child I was so much more alive and fearless than I have been as an adult. As a child I didn't have to worry about bills and paying for my own food, so in a way I didn't have any worries. However, as an adult, well that's when the problems started. I've simply never had the patience or interest to deal with things that don't interest me...and not much of real life interests me.

I distinctly remember being baffled as to how adults coped with life being so boring. I thought maybe something would change and I would understand when I became an adult. It never happened. "real life" has never interested me and probably never will.

I think I was fairly normal until the abuse started, then I became a demon seed. Set fires, broke in to places, tried to kill my step-brother, cousin and another kid in a 2 month span, fights almost every day and lots of other stuff I won't mention. Wound up in juvy for 2 years then 5 years probation, with a monitor/social worker with me at all times in school. Left home when I was 15 to avoid what was going to end up with either me or my 'parents' dead. Was in trouble off and on until I was about 29 when I finally sought help again and got medicated. Luckily I seem to have aged past most of that.

frostfern wrote:I distinctly remember being baffled as to how adults coped with life being so boring. I thought maybe something would change and I would understand when I became an adult. It never happened. "real life" has never interested me and probably never will.

I can relate to that. I saw it in the common question, "what do you want be when you grow up?" That question terrified me because it implied I should become someone else.

I think being easily bored contributed to me not identifying with any occupation in a serious way. But, I think the boredom was from not knowing who I was. I needed constant stimulation to feel alive. I could be everything. Why bother being just one thing?

Very rambunctious and sensitive. I used to trespass on abandoned properties, throw stuff at moving cars, stuff like that. Therapist says I probably had ODD, which reading up about it, makes sense.

*tw*
As for parenting, I was treated neglectfully and inconsistently. I was pretty much left to my own devices most of the time, but sometimes I could do or say something that would piss my mother off to the point of a beating, other times she was "ok" with it. When I got into trouble I was called foul names and had the life beaten out of me.

I noticed that you said your mother was a great mother. It's good that you feel that way!

Take care.

I was really intelligent and hid inside school work and books which I was bullied for. I was also bullied because my Dad was a pensioner. I didn't really get to be a child for long because after I was maybe 7 years old I had to become the 'parent' and look after my brother, Mum, and Dad because my Mum was an alcoholic and could barely look after herself. I was always put down for showing emotions so I kept them inside.

When my Mum died (when I was 14) I got some support at school and realised that I was getting a lot of attention that I didn't get before my Mum died so I was always asking to speak to my guidance teacher and I faked panic attacks (which didn't even look genuine but I was believed). I would run away from people, show teachers my self harm, and carry paracetamol around with me so I could overdose if I wanted to. I hid razor blades inside my tie and my sweat band. After I was diagnosed with depression my whole school life revolved around my symptoms and my friends were in the thick of it. I didn't tell my Dad or brother about my problems for a long time and when I did my Dad was too old to really understand the concept of mental illness.

I suppose that had more to do with my teenage years than my childhood but I wasn't given much of an opportunity to be a child.

I used to be sensitive, naieve and somewhat pessemistic and a genuinley good hearthed kid. I became pretty much the opposite later in life, execpt I still have a good hearth; but it's very reinforced now by wisdom.

I was a pretty miserable child. My parents say I used to burst into tears when anyone smiled at me. I used to cry when they took me to school and refuse to leave them.