I can't handle being alone...

I have been with my boyfriend since last year and we do everything together. He knows all about my BPD and understands that I get 'unwell' when I'm alone and spends most of his time looking after me or making sure I'm okay, not leaving me and making sure I feel safe and loved.

But he is 21 and obviously needs to have a life. I feel so guilty because everytime he leaves he questions if I am going to be okay. The feeling of being alone is so intense, I feel abandoned, really confused and all over the place as soon as he goes out, not knowing when he will be back is the worst.. I obsess over waiting, can't sleep, concentrate or speak to anyone until I hear from him.

Any advice on what I can do? He comes in and checks my arms as I end up self harming or having panic attacks because I literally hate it, I don't feel safe and can't switch off.

I don't want to control his hole life and push him away, I don't want him to feel like he can't do anything incase I do something to hurt myself and for him to feel guilty, its just the only way I cope..

Anyone else have any similar problems?

i distract my mind. spending time on this forum, listening to youtube songs, work.

but yeah the loneliness stings me as well.

when you're alone, you can fart, and not have to worry about anyone smelling it.
when you're alone, you can walk around without pants, raise your hand, and yell: pants are illegal in no pants lands!
when you're alone, you can leave garbage around the house and not give a ###$.
when you're alone, you can start your day with a beer, and let dinner be a bag of potato chips.
when you're alone, you can fully immerse yourself in a movie without some asshole's phone go off.
when you're alone, you can play the music you like, loudly.
and, when you're alone, you can take your sweet sweet time fapping.

there's always good things with being alone.

lol

I hate being alone just as much as I hate being with people.
I have days where people will want to go out with me and I won't so I stay back, wishing I'd gone.
Other days I want to go out but no one else does so I stay back, wishing I'd gone out anyway.

Some times I'll be surrounded by people who care about me (or are really good at pretending they do) and I'll still feel alone because they'll see my smiling face and comment on how happy I look when inside I want to curl up and die somewhere and it's frustrating that no one cares enough to ask if something's wrong. But when they do ask I get all defensive and wish they would just leave me alone.

And when they do leave me alone, I wish someone knew me enough to stay because that's all I wanted in the first place.

What a mess, eh?

It's also nice to do these things with someone..
Someone who doesn't mind and inhales your fart with a smile. Who rips their pants off when you say so. Who picks up your garbage. Brings you a breakfast beer. Turns off their phone so it doesn't interrupt your movie. Turns your music up louder and perhaps dances to it. Faps with you...

:/ I hate being alone too.. I understand the feeling hanatilly..
It's especially hard once your so USED to doing everything together.
I used to feel like I was going to explode if left alone. Full blown hysterics.

You have to remember it all starts in the mind.
You've got to want to win against yourself. Acknowledge the emotions for what they are, and beat them. Remind yourself that what we feel is too strong, and really try to just ignore it. Cry if you need to, but eventually stop and do something. Fight your mind and then distract it. If he really understands he'll try to keep the leaving to a minimum, and you get lucky, but not everyone deals with that. Seems that you've gotten lucky so far.
Try to start with doing little things separately. I don't know if you live together since you said he is 21, but if you do, even doing things in a separate room is a good way to start. Clean one room while he is in the other. Use a computer in a separate room. Do you have a job? Getting one can help. Go on a walk or something once in a while. When he does go out, do something for yourself as well. Maybe even something you think he'd be proud of you for doing or that you can share to him about? It'll also make him feel better about you, and he'll worry less. Working out was what I would do. I never really liked to go out with other people so it was hard for me if I knew a boyfriend was going out with people..
I don't think it ever turns off, at least not for me, but I've tried to fight it. Not always successfully, but you might as well try.. I don't know if any of that was good advice, but that's all I ever tried to do..
It's not easy being codependent.

Thank you for your helpful reply..

Yeah we do live together, so we are never really apart. He has just suggested I go out with my friends tomorrow night, but I don't feel like I could, especially without him there as he is my constant support.

I can't have convocations with people at the minute so working is pretty much out of the question, but since getting out of hospital in February he has been off work too, but perhaps he could go back soon and I could get used to being alone a bit more

hanatilly wrote:Thank you for your helpful reply..

Yeah we do live together, so we are never really apart. He has just suggested I go out with my friends tomorrow night, but I don't feel like I could, especially without him there as he is my constant support.

I can't have convocations with people at the minute so working is pretty much out of the question, but since getting out of hospital in February he has been off work too, but perhaps he could go back soon and I could get used to being alone a bit more

I know what you mean, I did not like going out with friends alone.. I guess because he was my best friend, and I always felt like, whats the point if my best friend is missing?.. It just wasn't as fun..
So I chose not to go out with friends, and did other things like working out or running especially while listening to music. always music. Reading too. Especially something that is mind empowering or spiritual.
I hope you figure out what helps YOU, because everyone has different coping methods..
Just believe in yourself You are stronger than you think

Hey hana,

Just wanted to say I could relate. I too feel unsafe when alone, like something bad is about to happen, and it feels like there's a gaping hole in my chest. I found that interacting with others, by distracting myself, helps immensely. Some people here chat on Facebook, others listen to music. Sometimes I go in chatrooms and listen to the people speaking there, it distracts me and keeps me 'sane'. Paltalk.com is great for this. Also, there's these forums...

Best of luck.

NimplyDinply wrote:Hey hana,

Just wanted to say I could relate. I too feel unsafe when alone, like something bad is about to happen, and it feels like there's a gaping hole in my chest. I found that interacting with others, by distracting myself, helps immensely. Some people here chat on Facebook, others listen to music. Sometimes I go in chatrooms and listen to the people speaking there, it distracts me and keeps me 'sane'. Paltalk.com is great for this. Also, there's these forums...

Best of luck.

Didn't somebody broadcast their suicide on that website?