my life is cursed

that's all i've ever known. everywhere i go, no matter what i do, no matter how much 'effort' i put in. i give up. why do i even bother or try anymore??

i've already had doctors officially refuse to see me anymore. shrinks, therapists, counselors, neurologists....even 'regular' doctors say its outta their league and point fingers to go else where. i've already been given how many medications, and each one, i have a very extreme reaction to it. so they say i'm just being psychosomatic. right. sure. so even when i voluntarily take over the counter drugs for whatever problem i'm having, get the reaction i do, i'm somehow forcing it???

my entire life has been cursed. the family i grew up in? my mother has all the medical issues and she gave them to me. her life story? she was beaten and abused by her mother as a child so she got f'd up royally from that time on. she has medical allergies up the wazoo river and can't take just as long a list as me, of meds. this includes foods as well. oh, and she has seizures too. so guess what i have??? food allergies, medicinal allergies, seizures. my body has past that high point on the bell curve of life. i'm already rapidly downhill. i may be thirty biologically, but am physically 65+. probably mentally too now after what happened 3 years ago.

my life as a kid??? all i've ever known with my parents is no family love. all they do is fight fight fight fight fight. doesn't matter if its a holiday, special occasion, or neither. happens about every day, every other day. the divorce papers have been drawn up how many times, rings flown at each other, flowers thrown in the trash. my mother would always approach me, and use me as an arguement to keep the marriage together. can't remember what i did, but if i did, i'm sorry, and wish i didn't. my mother is the obsessive compulsive control maniac freak. she controlled everything in my life and is still trying to do so. i wasn't allowed to date, my 'friends' were regulated, nevere got a drivers licence till AFTER i graduated from high school, how i dressed, what clothes, what food, what forms of personal entertainment....mommy first, then maybe it'll be 'ok.'

my school life? an absolute misery. one, i grew up in a state where white people are the minority. mega mega mega minority. i know population wise, there are more black people in the south than white people where i lived. but we get treated the same way as blacks. i never understood why i was royally ass picked on in grade school. i was always the teasing, fighting, hitting, kick out target. grade school was one location, junior high was another location, high school was another location, and college, across the states new location. funny, at each and every place i went to, i got picked on royally. what did i ever do to them? how did i insult or offend them? people i never even met, got to know, etc. and i was the hate target. so the only i know, is to stay in solitude, away from society. people would be happier, i wouldn't have to worry, if i just lived as a nomad in the mountains. and when i die, no tears will be shed, no one will know or care....like anyone does now. $#%^ happens, life goes on, $#%^ still happens, life still goes on.

i don't even know what is 'normal' anymore. what i call 'normal', everyone else thinks i'm a freak or a retard. things i like, how i react, stuff i do, how i do things versus others...object is to get from point A to point B....doesn't matter how i got there, just as long as the end result is the same, but i jist get majorily picked on because i'll go left instead of right, up instead of down....

since my parents did nothing but figtht fight fight, and i was doing my damdest to be the obdient godly child, all my mother did was yell at me constantly 'pray for your husband! pray for your husband! pray pray pray PRAY!!!!!' so i did. for how long....when one is a kid, it was the looks and stuff. as i got older, i changed it, developed it, made a practically long christmas wish list out of it. i got very specific. from religion, heritage, interests, styles, and many many many a more thing. i never thought it was personally possible. i thought with how imperfect society is, he may have this or that, but probably not that, or this will be a definate but not that. and what happens? i nearly fell out of my chair, my jaw dropped, my breath taken away in total disbelief. but every single damn thing i had on my list, i found in a man. and what happens? he ###$ and marries my once best friend instead. never thought of me. considered me. said i was not worth a long term relationship to him, i shouldn't get my hopes up. at the time, my best friend was my roommate. i can't get the jerk to understand how badly hes f'd me up when i walked in on them how many times. as far as he is concerned, i'm just supposed to go 'oops' i'm sorry, i walked in on you. now i'm just ###$ up for life. that added to the permanent state of heart brokeness. oh i've tried. tried going on blind dates, socials, online date sites, email pen pals....i can't get any 'interest' in them. not even physical just for sex. i can't even keep an nsa relationship. after what my once 'best friend' did to me, i don't really have any friends anymore. the most i'll go now is just work relationships. keep everything as impersonnal as possible. 'sides, life is just like that one mcdonalds commercial last year...the question of 'hows everything?' or 'how are you?' ain't looking for any inquiries and just wants the answer of 'good'. no one really cares if life sux.

so my life is cursed. can't keep friends. relationships (let alone even my parents...i mind as well go full 'marylin manson' on them) can't keep jobs, money, place to live. $#%^, not even doctors. i'd be better off if i could have a time machine, travel back, and make it so i was never even born. how many people would be so much more happier. my health is going down hill fast. i have how many injuries i cannot get fixed due to no insurance. half of whatever intellect i had at one time, is gone after cracking my skull in 5 places and ending up with a major frontal brain hemrage. the us government is totally stupid when someone who is authentically in need of medical assistance, is denied and the wait period is how many years, in which i could just die and the govt will save money. i don't know anymore. nothing in my life has been good. i don't like waking up anymore. and i don't care when i get warnings before a seizure, and the thoughts run thru my head, say goodbye. i don[t have anything t osay goodbye too anymore. i just wana leave, since i was never wanted...

I don't know whether you have BPD or not, but your life sounds very much like mine. I feel sorry for you (big time mate)!
My life in the house was exactly like yours, my parents throwing tantrums to each other all the time. And my mom turned physically violent at times (my mom was sexually abused when she was a child). She just didn't know how to be a mom due to her terrible abuse in her childhood.

So when I was 17 I turned to drugs for some comfort. And soon after I started taking heroin to numb my feelings. Then I started doing robberies and finally I became a sex worker.
Thanks God I met someone who literally saved my life and got me into rehab. That was 12 years ago (I'm 31 now) and since then I have stayed clear (no drugs). But I'm still battling with BPD and I just can't see the end. It's like never ending journey.

If you read my story of BPD (Severe BPD) in this section and then think if you have similar symptoms. I'm very typical BPD sufferer.

why can't i just be like normal people? where i can just feel comfortable with others and not feel drained after large social events? where i'm able to go to a doctor and they can slap a book diagnosis with the other majority of the population, put me on dumb ass meds and i'll be all taken care of? put me through the typical shrinks, counselors, therapists, group support meetings, meet THEIR social standards of what is 'normal' and 'sane', and fit right back into society? but that doesn't even work for me.

i've already been put on HOW MANY anti-epileptic drugs, anti-depressant drugs, anti-psychotic drugs....i can't even take anti-biotic drugs. if there were someone here who was a pharmacologist, i would email you my long-ass list of drugs i CANNOT take, and the effects i get from them, and ask you, what is there common chemical structure and bio-chemical effects in the human body? organic chemsitry was the one subject that never made sense to me. carbon chains suck ass. the very first anti-epileptic/anti-depressant drug i was given, is supposed to mellow out and moderate your mood swings. out of the blue, with no cause or reason to, i would either start crying as if the world ended, or, would be so pissed off, if given the right circumstances, would have no restraints holding me back from killing someone. those 'episodes' would last 20-60 minutes, and then ka-poof. it felt like when i woke up conciously from a seizure. all my muscles drained, my head spinning, my breath faint...and my memory would be gone for whatever period of time. only being able to remember what mood i felt. my doctor thought i was going off the deep end. he kept me on those meds for over 6 months and kept on increasing it, more and more and more. the more he increased it, the harder, heavier, more frequent the bursts of mood swings appeared. took me off it, and i mellowed out. but since i'm still ###$ up, had no social support, no friends or family, and being put through hard times with no job, no money, more bills, no place to live, noone to do or share anything with...basically the equivalent of being stripped naked and forced to live in the middle of nowheresville with noone around to help. so my doctor kept on switching me on how many different medications. i wasn't given high doses either. i was starting out on like 25mg either once or twice a day, and i would have virtual fatel effects. mood swings from hell, seizures, vomiting beyond control that would lead to seizurs later, and the psychotic drugs, turned me schizophrenic. i heard noises, voices, thought someone was watching me, and didn't give a damn someone i knew was in a major accident and was told to me he was fataly injured. another aed that is new that i was given later by another doctor, the average normal dosage a person takes is the full damn pill 2x a day minimal. the pill is 500mg. i took half ONCE a day...and i looked drunker than hell and it took 36 hours approx for it to wear off. doc said to reduce it to 1/4....same effect. i reduced it 1/8...still just as damn strong as ever. the doc looked at all the other meds and gave up on me too just like theo ther. as far as the other one was concerned, his official words were if he could, he would lock me up in a mental institution. those were his official words. that and, i don't know what to do with you anymore.

if my list of drug allergies is so damn psychosomatic in their opinion, then why the hell, when i come to my own decision, to go search for over the counter herbal remedies to help with mood swings, was a mistake as well? same results happened. mood swings went up the wazoo river, added with migrains and seizires from hell. i have to be so damn careful now, its not funny.

the accident i had three years ago, i was given a cox-2 inhibitor sample for odd pains i get in my palm/wrist area only in the middle of the summer. it threw me into a major gran mal, i hit my head twice, cracked and got 5 fractures and a mjr frontal brain hemmorage. i was told i flat lined in the er and was not able to be recessed for several minutes (there is no tunnel with light). i can tell you how many things i can remember when i woke up conciously for the first time. i can tell you i didn't know what meds i was given, but had a rash all over my body and scratched like hell. how is that psychosomatic? and as far as he cox=2 inhibitors, 2 years later i was given another one when my back was injured on the job. half an hour later, i got into seizure. the first cox-2inhibitor is now off the market and lawsuits over stroke and heart attack deaths and injuries. what will it take to get lawyers and judges to understand i have a differen t body that is fataly alleric to how many meds, and instead of a stroke, i get seizures?

i can't even take regualr nsaids. once upon a time i was able to, then after the accident...when i would get migrains, and i took stuff like asprin or acetemetophin or ibprofin, what the ###$ happened to me? where did the seizure come from? and when memory slowly returned, i figured out it was from the nsaids. aleeve seems to be the only 'safe' nsaid i can take. i don't know what happened to my body chemistry. i can't even get an endocrinologist to help. they officially refused me and pushed me to the 'general family doctor' to get attn first. i already camefrom there, and they pushed me out of their way, as i was 'out of their league'. no doctor wants to take responsibility to their hypocratic oath. and all shrinks want to do is put a straight jacket on me and lock me up in a padded room.

i don't think humanity has even matured yet in the medical realm. its still like the mideval days. people with seizures were thought to be demon possed. and today, people with idiot sevantism, mental differences, are considered not a benefit to society. and the points of view, knowledge and experiences held, are not of value to society. stephen hawking may have leugericks disese that is killing him, but even if it didn't set in, because he was the odd-ball out, the non-socialite amongst his 'friends' and family..where would quatum theories be now if we didn't have his input? if we ignored him, locked him up, and forgot him? ill fit for socety?

one actor who is very popular amongst sci-fi/fantasy enthusiasts, espcially since 2 movies he's been in, have ranked very high in ratings, he has had seizures all his life. is he deomon possed too? not fit for fan's to model themrselves after? i won't mention his name out of respect for him as he keeps his medical personal history very low key. but how would society react after they saw him collapse on camera?

i've lost all trust in the medical society. i had to go thru hospital visits to my mother alone more than enough times. watch how they treated my mother. both emt's, nurses, doctors, hospital staff andcrew. and what happens with me? they put me thru hell....why not just do with humans what we do with animals? instead of throwing people in the insane asylum, just put us down and end our misery for us...

i really do totally give up. in more than one area. i can't find a doctor that is TRUELLY willing to work with me when they find out i'm not a typical book case they can just slam a diagnosis on and give drugs that treat symptoms and not the cause. i can sit down, and read through many symptom lists for different conditions. i can pull out and say this conditions sorta fits, this one only has a few, this i truely don't think so, or this one has symptoms, but does not fit the description as a whole.

i was reading posts on the asperger forum. i honestly don't know if i fit it or not? a lot seems very similar to borderline. and i know how many times doc's have tried to slap me with psychosis, bipolar, schizophrenic, manic depression, hypochondria etc. to many things to list. and give me the book treatment, and it backfires and makes $#%^ worse?

the point i'm at now, is very very embarassing. how many times i was teased, kicked out, ostricised as a kid, and added to that, being kept home 24/7 under my mothers wing, i had no friends. i was always stuck with learning to entertain myself. and since being friendless stuck with me since pre-school age all the way to the present, its embarassing when i'm around co-workers, or aquaintences. they're talking, laughing, joking, telling stories, making small talk, and i have nothing to say? no comment, no concern or 'normal' emotional reaction to the manner at hand. plus, me being able to just sit there and find something to keep myself entertained and mind occupied. i'll be taking note of visual details, color, texture, lighting, perspectives, mechanics and engineering design, function, purpose, end result, and look into how many people and can read their personalities like a book? i'm not telepathetic and can say, oh, she had an abusive child life with her father beating her and raping her, thats why she is the way she is. i'll just notice, they try their best to look attractive and sexy, wearing certain clothes and makeup andwalk a certain style - and approach conversations in a particularway with a set of comments and style. but it is all a false presentation, to cover something else they don't want to think about. it could be as simple as, self esteem, they think their fat and morbidly obese. and they had/have a relativly 'normal' life. or - just something more extreme they managed to cover up as they have.

if i were able to cut off contact with the rest of the world, live on my own contently, i melow out. i'll feel more comfortable going abouts my business and not feeling shamed if i can sit completely still for hours on end, just watching the environment around me. take note on trees, how they move, grow, lighting and where things are green or brown. as the sun sets, take note on surrounding temp settings, feeling the heat rise and give a little draft as it cools while observing which colors are most prominent in time length and wonder why. and if i only eat once every two days or 8 times a day....i won't be ruled by how society dictates fat is ugly, skinny is beautiful. potatoes are bad, tofu is good. sometimes i wish a story i read when i was a kid, would come to pass 'z for zachariah'. a girl survives a nuclear bomb, everyone else dies of radiation, or never returns. and she does well in staying alive in solitude. and when a single man shows up, things change.

i've given up on the belief of the concept 'love.' its only been a waste of time, useless and hopeless. i don't know why i bothered hoping and praying i'd find a husband, found a man that met everything in my prayer list, and he determins i'm not worth a long term relationship due to personality conflict, and marries my once best friend. i look back to the past and compare it to now. i don't have any friends anymore. any aquaintences i make, keep me at a far distance and only include me in whatevers, if necessary. so it is not necessary i go out to lunch, social get togethers etc. only necessary if a task needs to be accomplished. i go do reseach in humanity and social relationships and how instinctivly people 'accept' or 'don't accept' another when looking for a mate. it basically simplifies down to how animals do. needs to be healthy and young but mature so the offspring created, will be strong and carry on. a few more complications exist in humans vs animals since we have concious cognitivity, but it still boils down to the same basics. so i am 'available'. men pass by me and automatically run the values thru their head. basically, i'm not of high enough value in more than one area they would like to commit to. physical is the first thing. if they guy isnt too picky on looks, and goes of personality/mental state (both knowledge/experience and emotions), i'm way outta the league. in the animal world, those reject mates, die. survival of the fittest. no offspring. those genese, will not be passed on. in the human realm, my genes do not qualify either (not that i want children for that matter - i hate kids). so why do i even bother? doc's deem me too complicated to deal with, and aquaintences, friends, and other relationships, deem me as not worth the time. in the animal realm, when abused, feral, strays are pick up and brought to the human society, they go thru a test. and if not compatible socialy, put down. mind as well do that to humanity? i see no reason why not? disease epidemics wil lbe in better control, crime will get to a level at least people are more 'safe', and normality will even out. so if a parent abuses a child, and that child becomes scared, today, some become serial psychotic killers. but the killer is being held responsible, when it was a result of his child hood? so, put down the parents, test the child, and determine if the child should beput down as well. a lot of pain will be ended. so my mom probably either would not have been born, or if so, i would definatly not be born, and a lot of problems wouldn't have been created. times that by trillions, and the world would be in a lot different state of mind.

'sides, i already know according to society as a whole, i'm loosing sense of 'morals and ethics' and should be locked up in a white jacket and ppadded room. (###$, if thats gona be done, what IS wrong with just euthanisning the person?? same difference. only remaing alive, is more painful) things that make other people emotional, i only sit as an android absorbing data. i won't cry, be happy or upset likeothers when certain things come up. none of it makes sense to me. i just wana get rid of past scars....

i really do totally give up. in more than one area. i can't find a doctor that is TRUELLY willing to work with me when they find out i'm not a typical book case they can just slam a diagnosis on and give drugs that treat symptoms and not the cause. i can sit down, and read through many symptom lists for different conditions. i can pull out and say this conditions sorta fits, this one only has a few, this i truely don't think so, or this one has symptoms, but does not fit the description as a whole.

i was reading posts on the asperger forum. i honestly don't know if i fit it or not? a lot seems very similar to borderline. and i know how many times doc's have tried to slap me with psychosis, bipolar, schizophrenic, manic depression, hypochondria etc. to many things to list. and give me the book treatment, and it backfires and makes $#%^ worse?

the point i'm at now, is very very embarassing. how many times i was teased, kicked out, ostricised as a kid, and added to that, being kept home 24/7 under my mothers wing, i had no friends. i was always stuck with learning to entertain myself. and since being friendless stuck with me since pre-school age all the way to the present, its embarassing when i'm around co-workers, or aquaintences. they're talking, laughing, joking, telling stories, making small talk, and i have nothing to say? no comment, no concern or 'normal' emotional reaction to the manner at hand. plus, me being able to just sit there and find something to keep myself entertained and mind occupied. i'll be taking note of visual details, color, texture, lighting, perspectives, mechanics and engineering design, function, purpose, end result, and look into how many people and can read their personalities like a book? i'm not telepathetic and can say, oh, she had an abusive child life with her father beating her and raping her, thats why she is the way she is. i'll just notice, they try their best to look attractive and sexy, wearing certain clothes and makeup andwalk a certain style - and approach conversations in a particularway with a set of comments and style. but it is all a false presentation, to cover something else they don't want to think about. it could be as simple as, self esteem, they think their fat and morbidly obese. and they had/have a relativly 'normal' life. or - just something more extreme they managed to cover up as they have.

if i were able to cut off contact with the rest of the world, live on my own contently, i melow out. i'll feel more comfortable going abouts my business and not feeling shamed if i can sit completely still for hours on end, just watching the environment around me. take note on trees, how they move, grow, lighting and where things are green or brown. as the sun sets, take note on surrounding temp settings, feeling the heat rise and give a little draft as it cools while observing which colors are most prominent in time length and wonder why. and if i only eat once every two days or 8 times a day....i won't be ruled by how society dictates fat is ugly, skinny is beautiful. potatoes are bad, tofu is good. sometimes i wish a story i read when i was a kid, would come to pass 'z for zachariah'. a girl survives a nuclear bomb, everyone else dies of radiation, or never returns. and she does well in staying alive in solitude. and when a single man shows up, things change.

i've given up on the belief of the concept 'love.' its only been a waste of time, useless and hopeless. i don't know why i bothered hoping and praying i'd find a husband, found a man that met everything in my prayer list, and he determins i'm not worth a long term relationship due to personality conflict, and marries my once best friend. i look back to the past and compare it to now. i don't have any friends anymore. any aquaintences i make, keep me at a far distance and only include me in whatevers, if necessary. so it is not necessary i go out to lunch, social get togethers etc. only necessary if a task needs to be accomplished. i go do reseach in humanity and social relationships and how instinctivly people 'accept' or 'don't accept' another when looking for a mate. it basically simplifies down to how animals do. needs to be healthy and young but mature so the offspring created, will be strong and carry on. a few more complications exist in humans vs animals since we have concious cognitivity, but it still boils down to the same basics. so i am 'available'. men pass by me and automatically run the values thru their head. basically, i'm not of high enough value in more than one area they would like to commit to. physical is the first thing. if they guy isnt too picky on looks, and goes of personality/mental state (both knowledge/experience and emotions), i'm way outta the league. in the animal world, those reject mates, die. survival of the fittest. no offspring. those genese, will not be passed on. in the human realm, my genes do not qualify either (not that i want children for that matter - i hate kids). so why do i even bother? doc's deem me too complicated to deal with, and aquaintences, friends, and other relationships, deem me as not worth the time. in the animal realm, when abused, feral, strays are pick up and brought to the human society, they go thru a test. and if not compatible socialy, put down. mind as well do that to humanity? i see no reason why not? disease epidemics wil lbe in better control, crime will get to a level at least people are more 'safe', and normality will even out. so if a parent abuses a child, and that child becomes scared, today, some become serial psychotic killers. but the killer is being held responsible, when it was a result of his child hood? so, put down the parents, test the child, and determine if the child should beput down as well. a lot of pain will be ended. so my mom probably either would not have been born, or if so, i would definatly not be born, and a lot of problems wouldn't have been created. times that by trillions, and the world would be in a lot different state of mind.

'sides, i already know according to society as a whole, i'm loosing sense of 'morals and ethics' and should be locked up in a white jacket and ppadded room. (###$, if thats gona be done, what IS wrong with just euthanisning the person?? same difference. only remaing alive, is more painful) things that make other people emotional, i only sit as an android absorbing data. i won't cry, be happy or upset likeothers when certain things come up. none of it makes sense to me. i just wana get rid of past scars....

i'm a movie lover. i watch movies of all sorts. and i came upon, the madness of king george. i don't know how much is historically accurate or not. i'm just going after the movie and its presentation style.

once, the king was of high esteem and respect. and later in his rule, as he grows old, a queer dementia falls upon him. delusions of grandieur. odd coloured bodily waste. and what does society do? dictate? how do doctors handle the circumstances? (even tho their knowledge in medicine is way different in some aspects than we have now...) he is an animal. a beast. a loss of concious cognitivness. the doctor they have the king see to 'cure' him, does what doctors, still do..today. being locked up and away. we don't have strap chairs today, instead we have insane asylums, white jackets and padded rooms, and drugs that are still on extreme experimental discovery. before king george's days, instead of chairs of restraint, they were declared demon possesed and put into shackels and chains. today? declaration is made a person is mentally ill. the new book-diagnosis...bi-polar, manic depressive, schizophrenic.... all the while, thru time and history, causes are never looked upon. only symptoms. biblical days? symptoms were gnawing and gnashing of teeth. drooling at the mouth.... not even scrapping the surface of symptoms. george days? his pee is blue, that's not a symptom, his odd behaviours, symptoms they don't know what to do with. today? we still don't know what to do. all of a sudden, the unknown is life threatening.


i hate doctors, i hate them, hate them hate them. and all the fools withing the realms of medical and legal authority. legalists will say you are a threat and want you locked up. they don't care if its because something inside your body is failing. medical? are governed by the legalists. morality, ethics. financial debts. so doctors don't go out on a limb to actually study a problem, find the root cause, and fix it. instead, everyone prefers a quick fix. cocaine was not known in the early 1900's and was deemed the fix-it all medicine. a quick fix. nothing was in attempt to learn more about it only after it is discovered it kills you, is it pulled off the market. and we still do the same, today.


who gave mass society the right to dictate, determine and give the orders to a single person?

is it true then.....'the needs of the many, out weigh......the needs of the few - or....... the one' ? ~ Spock, star trek 2&3

rejection. so those who have bpd, one of their problems, is fear of rejection?? let me ask you this, what if...that person, has gone through their entire life to date, and around every corner, lay rejection they had to face??

lets see the childhood days. got kicked out and heavily picked on. college, same thing, save heavier and harder. after college. ultimate time of misery and wounds have not ever healed since then, only infected and made worse.

i know, i know. many a people out there have fallen 'in love' with someone. had a relationship, and $#%^ went to hell, fell apart and broke up. mutual or one sided. same ending difference either way, two stones arn't in one hand any longer.

i don't wana hear $#%^ anymore from people, 'you're being over reactive.....you're being too sensitive...... just get over it, there's more fish in the ocean....or, you're still too young - love will find you when you're least looking'.

after my heart was made more than just broken, nothing has gotten better since then. nothing has improved. only changes that have occured, everything got worse. i no longer have 'friends' anymore. can't find any comfort with socializing with others. even when i try. i've already been kicked out as a roommate and turned away by how many. moved how many times now, stuff still in boxes. can't seem to keep a job. they always find a reason 'legal' to fire me. and the job i'm at now, i can tell you, my boss is getting dissatisfied and disappointed in what he was expecting and hoping for. he at least has no qualms with flat out telling me and no bush whaking.

at least i envy the others who got their brokenheart from a relationship that existed, and we're rejected later down the road. they knew and got to taste at least a drop of 'love'. i already lost all faith in 'love.' i won't ever know what it is.

the one man i come accross in my life, the holy $#%^ to the tee answer to my prayers, didn't even spend much time in thought or consideration. and passed me over. chose my once best friend instead. and still to this day, reassures me over and over, don't get my hopes up, there are too many personality conflicts.

personality conflicts.

i don't have friends. have been in and out of how many jobs. moved how many times changing my address so frequently, my drivers licence and car registration and other id's, all different addresses. added to a much longer list of encounters of change, pretty much all related to rejection??

its been over 5 years now. the pain has not lightened. wound's haven't healed over. people keep saying to get over it now, move on. right..... sure. let me ask you this. you get into an accident of somesort. gashes and cuts externally. internally, a few torn tendons and ligaments and broken bones. you get all bandaged up. time passes and the wounds appear to have healed over. you've been through all the physical therapy to recover. one wound/injury start to hurt and act up again. it gets worse. yet, you took you're meds, took care of the wound, saw a therapist, so it should be ok. its all just a precaution that wasn't observed, and over exertion. that's all. it gets worse, and worse and worse. in a very short period of time, its excrutiatingly painful and debilitating. you can't function through your normal daily duties. do you ignore it? say you'll get over it? it'll heal with time? (after how much time already has passed....) no. you tend to that wound again. you don't act like there is no infection, no break or tear. same difference with emotinal scars and wounds.

some people it takes a full blow point blank to get that bruise started. others, have very sensitive blood vessals that break easily internally and they could bleed to death internally, just over a small bump against the table or wall. emotions arn't physical, yet act the same way. so why the ###$ don't you realize this when someone has gotten a brokenheart, and years later, still mourns heavily over it as if it happened at that moment???

i've already tried how many self-help, counseling/therapy, been put on drugs from hell that were pure bull $#%^ with 'therapy' - $#%^. i give up. a wound that will never heal. and only spreads like cancer in my life. chemotherapy aint helping it either. so now? i've gotten to the point where i've learned not to put any hopes up in 'friendship.' no more being 'needy' or 'grippy and clingy'. i no longer share any news or event to anyone, good or bad. loose touch with emotions. $#%^ happens, just remain dead faced. no more crying fits from hell, or flying knuckles into walls being broken. if something 'good' happens, just go about beeswax as if nothing did. i'd be content just sitting in a room, chair, bed, whatevers, and just stare at the ceiling now. and as time passes, fall asleep. and when i awake, just keep my eyes closed and rolling over when needing to change. i don't really have any hopes up in anything anymore. learned its better to be that way now, at least dulls the pain on the wounds that have never healed. and nor do i have any hopes up that they will.

i will never love again. never believe in love. love does not exist. love is not real. nor patient or kind. only a figment of one's imagination. a childs fantasy story far from reality......

sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.....

oh yeah? sure right.....what a #######5 little line to learn as a kid. now, it doesn't take very much to break me. i have very little patience, very low stamina. all self confidence been chipped at over how many years till nothing is left. so now? something as light as a feather is life threatening....

i talk to and observe how many others, when names get tossed b ack and forth at each other. the impression i get, no one takes anything 'seriously'. as if they somehow know no harm was intended. uh.... i don't. sorry, i guess i'm a mental retard here. if you tell me the sky is falling, i'll look up and be watching to see if blue patches start falling from the sky. i won't figure out its raining. same applies if you call me any name, constantly point $#%^ out to me i always get wrong while others, its common laymens terms for them...

the point i'm getting to now, i don't do very well at all when i get brought aside at a work place to say this is wrong, this is wrong, this is wrong, change this, don't do that, do it this way, not that. and i'm not talking about if i were trying to hammer two pieces of wood together and i stuck the nail between the planks and used the hammer to bash them together....i'm talking about other issues in the work place. i'm not getting it thru my head how something is done, how something is used, what its for, applications, what things are called, etc...and i have to ask the same question over and over and over and over and over again.....write it down all over the place over and over again, and my boss is getting thoroughly pissed off. i'm about 3 months slower than the average learner, at the least. then there's other work issues. being 'professional' and 'business oriented'. things that are wrong or right, acceptable or not.

how the hell do i get my boss to understand, sorry, i lived a deprived childhood. i don't even know how to talk over the phone 'professionally'. how do i get my boss to understand, sorry, i cracked my skull in five places 4 years ago and had a major frontal brain hemmorage and what once was 'natural', now....is like i was a 2 year old. i wana describe or communicate something, and the best i can do, is either draw a pic or make hand motions. if i'm even that close. and when i find the words i was looking for, it still doesn't seem right and doesn't click.

###$, as far as the government is concerned, i'm perfectly healthy. i'm not on my last 2months of life death bed. no social security for you!! but i turn to the 'real' world, all that happens is i get bashed upside the head and labeled not even good enough to flip burgers at a burger joint.

my boss at the job i'm at now, has no qualms with constantly telling me he showed me already how to do something, he's already told me 3 or more times in the past, read, read, read, and read, think, think think and think. his list goes on on $#%^ he's majorly disappointed me and he does regret on his decision to hire me. him and the rest of the world, join the party. classmates, roommates, workmates....doctors...###$, everyone. my boss was even 'nice' enough to tell me he hired me the same reason he married his wife....outta desperation.

i really did like my job when i first started. i am sitting down all day infront of a computer. i start the day at 9am. end at 5pm. i get a first permanent job with benefits and health insurance. and i'm not having to be physically active making my body wear out and collapse. it was all perfect....too perfect. now i can tell my boss has lost any faith or hope in my ever getting better at $#%^. he's given up at any attempts to help teach me $#%^ and now just has decreed i go out and learn how to do $#%^ on my own. and if i ###$ $#%^ up, its my fault regardless if i was sent out to sail the pacific without fully understanding even how to navigate, let alone, run the boat. (we won't even mention the bad ocean weather i wasn't prepared for).

now, i'll probably just wake up, go to work, and not have any more hopes that i'll keep my job and they'll think of ANY reason they can, to fire me. i don't even know where i can maintain a job anymore. how many temp agencies i worked through already have record, why i never lasted at a job. one, i wasn't physically capable. the other, wasn't mentally capable. another, i didn't take my job seriously enough and was considered a slacker (as far as i was concerned, i wasn't. i was just going off of what i saw other people do). so temp agencies get more and more hesitant to have me contracted out to a job. i'll make the temp agency loose money when i get fired.

i dont know anymore, i really don't. i mind as well go live in the bush somewhere, or the streets. living like a wild or ferral animal. all i know now is self defense for survival. i'll kill ya. i won't see it as murder or wrong. i'll only see it as defending myself. like how mary shelley depicted so accurately...frankensteins creation only knew to stay alive, and when his life was threatened, no sin exists in murder. all i know now, to gather, go through trash bins, dumpster diving. keep stuff like a pack rat so i don't have to spend money and i'll make the item last till it turns to shreds, and i may even keep the shreds. the worlds smallest, cheapest, useless items to others, are like gold mines to me. makes me wonder sometimes, if the end of the world came, a nuclear holocaust or meteor crash, and modern day technology was obliterated and were forced to live without it....would it take till then for everyone else to realize how much ofa dip $#%^ they are, when i can survive like a cock roach thru the attrocity, and they can't even figure out how to make do on bare minimals? .... they die, and i live?? then again, i'd rather the bomb or meteor land directly on me and end the misery.....i hate life

i hate the holidays. with a pure pure passion. first comes halloween, then thanksgiving, then christmas...new years. chinese new years next if you have traditional chinese friends. then comes february.

february. thee worst month ever for me.

i don't even know whats 'wrong' anymore. all i can do is think back, and ponder as hard as i can, reviewing and going over and over and over again....why do i feel like at the time, i was a pure and innocent mind, of goodwill, good heart and intention. i did my best to sit there, smile, and put on the best outfit possible. trying to look cute, pretty and attractive...ready and waiting for courtship. pure i also was physically. not even one set of foriegn lips had ever touched mine, or even come close enough to lay a breath. kind of like being at a school dance, and chairs line the walls of the gym floor. sitting in one, looking at all the guys, waiting and hoping one would ask me to dance. i felt like that.....once. long time ago. ..........ONCE.

no longer do i even know the concept.

was that me? who am i? am i real? ... or a figment of someone's imagination....that has been since forgotten, a long time ago....??

i didn't see any reason why i always ended up being passed over. not chosen or picked. why i was considered not an optimal pick amidst the other girls. even still, to this day, when i go out with other girls, i must still be being viewed as i was viewed 20 years ago. but what is it others see i don't??? as open as i try to be, a social bug that laughs, giggles and smiles with others (even tho i have no utter clue what others laugh over and why something is considered 'funny') doesn't matter if i'm pretending over issues in a social situation, or really am displaying context i totally grasp and understand. what am i??? what???????


now...now... ???? ..... ...???? ..........now?.. now




why does it seem as if, i'm... 'dead' ?? my heart is still beating, my lungs are still filling with air and exhailing. electric signals are still be sent from neuron to neuron in my brain, so i ain't brain dead like the terry shivo case in florida. and all you #####& who are 'doctors' and 'psychiatrists/ologists' 'counselors and thearapists', i don't have any delusions running around my head that this is all a dream, i'm a ghost wandering about and go in and out being bound to this body. i've already been put on how many meds that FORCED me into categories that apply to those, BEFORE they were put on meds. so i know what those experiences were like and why people say what they do or act as they do.....the medical community has already refused to treat me how many times, so go f- off....



all i can say now is, i've lost whatever was left or remained. 'dead' in the fashion of becoming as a robot or computer. (something i've always desired now for a while). if you know anything about mechanics or programming, a machine is just a machine. no thoughts. it'll continue to do what it was made for. if a part breaks but not affecting other areas of its purpose (yet) it'll continue. a program, depending on the language its in, when compiled and error is found. will not go any further unless that error is fixed. even if all it is, is just a single letter or symbol, typo. if it compiles all the way thru, but syntax not put in the right places in the right ways, the program acts funny, looks funny, spits out oddball results to certain functions....niether machine nor program care. no thoughts, emotions or feelings. only doing as their creator created them as. and if they fail, it ain't their fault, its the creator's. and as them, all i do i take in and spit back out straight hard core facts in reality.

$#%^ happens, life goes on. $#%^ still happens, life still goes on.

rest of the world really doesn't give a damn about others, just themselves. so one learns to be, like the rest of the world. although, instead of giving a damn anymore what happens to me, i'll just take it as everyone else does. they don't care, why should i? they won't cry, get pissed, be happy...neither will i.

every past attempt i've tried, has failed. so now, all i can see in the mirror .... someone who is fat, over weight significantly (not the 20-30 binge pounds one can loose a lot easier than over 100). someone who has too many medical related issues - from physical to mental to neurological etc.... one who has waaaaay too many indebtedness to medical bills, credit cards, school/college, and average common life bills. basically, as nature dictates. survival of the fittest. just like the one animation science movie put together following the life of a male winged dinosaur. he lucks out, arrives late for breeding and must stake his grounds elsewhere. while there, no mate found wanting to choose him. seeing him as unfit to procreate with. same thing applies to humanity subconciously. love, emotion, attraction, relationships and marriage are only the symptoms. the cause being the engrained desire to pass ones gentetics onwards, and only with the best viewed. and i'm nowhere near considered as 'best' to be with. doesnt matter anymore. even within the pet world, we as humans won't allow those with problems to breed. the important parts are removed surgically (yes i know, there's an overpopulation problem thats in issue, but thats not the point. if you wana bring that up, i'll go off on how it all backs up to humanity and our actions - causing these reactions).

all i know is, i'm cursed, in more than one area. and noone wants anything to do with a... curse. i already know i've been given up on in more than one area, so why do i even bother anymore....why? who am i?....what am i?....

my birthday is in february, right next to valentines...and both, right after all the collection of holidays.... i hate february. i wish no over drama was made over holidays and marketing....

yup, i would definatly say, my life is cursed. i had my three month review today at my first 'permant' job. i already knew i was gona get torn to shreds. i wasn't sure if it was gona be a 'warning' or not, meaning i'll get fired.

lets see, how many jobs have i been thru now? including all one or two day jobs, to almost year long jobs. eleven jobs in just a few years? i can't keep a job. every single damn job has either 'fired' me, or 'let me go' due to company circumstances (ie, they packed up and moved to another country).

i can't hold a job down. i can't take on responsibility anymore. i can't interact with others. i just wana be left alone now. let me go back to all the years that were taken away from me as a kid. never allowed to play. have fun. use my imagination. let me go back to where everything was stopped, so i can go back to learning things the way other kids do. maybe, just maybe, i'll be able to catch up to the age i'm at as an 'adult'.

oh yeah, yesterday was my birthday. nothing much to celebrate over in my opinion. no where to go. no one to do anything with. my parents mailed me my presents, so all i did was open them up with my cat and showed her. granted, my parents are just as poor as me, so were only able to send household items as presents. not that i mind i guess. i was running out of toothpaste, needed shampoo and face wash. and the rest of the night, just stared at the tv, rocked myself. wasn't hungry. no candles, no cake. don't need a reminder on how old i am anyways....30.

lets see, all the people i work with at work, have the mindset of a 35+ year old. and they're all younger than me. i'm the oldest. (minus the late 30's early 40's one or two supervisors i have). and to them, i'm 3 or more times younger than them in social maturity and don't feel any remorse in letting me know. according to society, i'm either stupid or just a mental retard. i may have significant knowledge in some areas, but, then just turn into someone with autism. got the knowledge, just no sense of application. kinda like a computer i guess.

jobs won't keep me, they have many many reasons why. all they care about really, is that a task get completed. nothing about the person carrying the task out.

doctors won't believe me when i try to tell them things. and the government, won't do $#%^ to believe me and thinks i do it all just for the money.

all my life, all i've known is wishes, hopes and dreams, that i know not to put much effort into it. i see someone with the special blue shoes when i'm a kid, and don't put much faith that i'll get them. i get older, parents get their kids a first car. maybe kinda trashed, but its a start. i had to wait and buy my own. other girls, went to at least their senior prom. i never went to any, no dress, makeup, hairstyle, shoes..not even a date. even if i went in solitude, i doubt anyone would have danced with me. everyone i know, has had at least ONE relationship, more than likely more. kids, marriages, divorces. why'd i even bother thinking i'll get help then? medical, spirtual, legal....i've been shuned by them all.

i feel like frankenstein now. created at first with good intentions, then regretted upon as a mistake. shunned upon. as i go out and try to learn on my own about life, appreciate the small things no one else gives a rip about, and since no one is there to teach me, and i learn what i do on my own, i get punished even more, because its not acceptable to society.

and i can't get the medical realm to acknowledge how set back i've become after the brain hemmorage i had. as long as i can flip a burger to them, i'm fine. i go to try and flip a burger, i'm over qualified. i go to a job i'm supposedly qualified for, i'm a failure. too underqualified.

i guess i just belong in a white jacket, tied down in a padded room. only fed thru iv. catheter for bladder. keep me sedated.



whats one desire i have now, i want to come to pass. i lay my head down to sleep, and never ever wake up, ever again. i'll gladly sacrifice the future. it would be more of a blessing for the future.......