Some help pleeese!

This is my first post on these forums, and let me say that I'm so relieved to find such a wonderful source of support for individuals sufferring from ... well anything:). Okay, I will not write a book but I'm really struggling with some things and I hope someone can either relate or give some advice on the matter.

I've been struggling with "something" all of my life. There are many times I've played with the idea of suicide for many reasons; but mainly for a lack of purpose in life. But these episodes are surrounded by many months and sometimes years of obsessing and "diving into" some activity or another. For example I remember being very depressed one christmas, to the point that I scared myself. I ate everything in sight until I tipped the scales at 205 (when I'm normally a solid 145). Then, after some serious suicidal thoughts, I found out about the Atkins diet and became a fitness maniac! I felt FABULOUS for months, almost a year. Then my fiance and father of my children got out of prison (he was there for 9 years, all of which I remained faithful.... don't ask). We began the process of buying a house and planned to marry and I found out he was cheating. I was devistated, as anyone would be. But I became OBSESSED and began having panic attacks... major ones. I went on a few different medications and finally settled on Effexor XR to control the anxiety and depression. About then I dove into religion for some sort of hope and relief. I becamed obsessed with that! Attending a church 3 times a week, in addition to bible study and every fellowship they had. The attacks subsided but then I started getting hives about six months later, and uncontrollable itching! It was a nightmare that lasted about 2 months. I still go to church about once a week.... but I'm feeling numb with that now. Now I have no hives, but I had a major manic episode a few weeks ago that lasted about a month.... I partied, I spent money, I... did some bad things. And here I am, in a terrible depression. I've gained 25 pounds in the last month and a half and I have no energy or desire for anything. I wake up with obsessive thoughts about the loser that cheated on me and I feel just a mess! The Effexor just isn't working. By the way, I'm a single mom, I work full time and I'm a full time graduate student studying psychology (so you'd think I could help myself). I'm leading towards bi-polar or borderline personality disorder. I'm going to seek treatment, for the 3rd time, tomorrow but I just wanted some input from you all! Thanks and sorry for writing the book.... happy holidays all!

i ain't no doctor. i'm just as f'd up as you. i can't tell you 'o, you need to go see a doctor. you need to come to grips with yourself and emtions and fears, identity etc..'...or 'take this medication or that. do this action or that.' you ain't me, and i ain't you. i'll at least say one thing to keep in mind. you can't be forced to do something you don't want to do, regardless if it helps or not. (ie, eat lettuce and rice cakes when your hungry instead of chocolat cake, candy and ice cream. you may have the intension in there somewhere to eat 'healthy' and 'loose weight', but, you dont want to live on lettuce celery and carrot sticks. so like most diet fads, it lasts for a day or two, and doesn't work now does it?) so i can't give you 'advice' you seek. then again, whenever i sought advice, i was given $#%^ for 'advice' and nothing helped or worked. so you'll probably be just as stuck as me. you know you got two pieces of plywood that need to go together, but don't know how. the hammer and nail is a mystery to you so you try everything else to put them together. now if someone tells you what a hammer and nail is, you're going closer to what you need. next is, did the schmuck tell you how to use a hammer and nail? or think its natural to you and you'll know to put the nail point down on the wood and use the hammer to bash it in? i havn't been told about hammer's and nails yet. just explnations on the wood, what wood is, what is plywood used for, etc. nothing on how to put two peices together, let alone with what. so i would say you're probably as stuck as i am. people don't know how to put themselves in someone elses shoes and avoid it like the plague.....