Do any of you who have suffered from BPD...

Miss the time's you had it? I have gotten rid of it but i miss it because it was like adventure or something... The intensity of music and feeling world is very big and i saw history of music and big inventions very intensively. it's weird because i felt really bad but still i had some sort of interesting point of view to world. Only thing i didn't like in it was the feeling of i'm a bad person. I had feeling that i want to create something big.

I'm at a bit of a weird point...if we are looking at recovery as a scale, with one side being BPD and the other side being recovered...I'm tipping more towards recovery, I'm healthy enough to have the worst behind me but I'm still somewhat in the throes of it, and dysfunctional enough to still ruin my own life.

But I do find myself feeling nostalgic for the worst of it, sometimes. I can relate so much to the statement that it felt like an adventure, and loving the intensity. For example, I haven't self harmed in a number of years now, and for a while I didn't even like the idea of it. I never toyed with it. Until recently.

--- trigger warning here for self harm-----

Lately I find myself very drawn to the image of blood. When I get angry, I have a fantasy of cutting myself again. My brother recently described to me the time that he found me sitting on the side of the street, with my legs all cut up, blood running off them into the snow and on to my jeans. And I felt like I wanted that again. I wanted to feel the warmth of it flowing down my leg. And when I bump my arm, or whatever, I find myself wishing that it had torn open so I could look at the blood and feel it again. I've almost romanticized it, which is really quite sick when I think of it objectively because at that time in my life I was so messed up..

I miss the chaos too sometimes. My life is stable *enough* but sometimes I just miss doing everything on a whim and letting it all crash and burn. I felt like I was freer, even though that was not true, I was trapped in my own emotions and I don't have the same level of control that I do now. I felt like I had a lot of great stories from the times that I was effed up.

I'm far enough along that I probably won't mess it up for myself but lately I just find it dangling in front of me, tempting me, making me consider going back to my old ways.

Completely relate to this, for me it was like a fantasy world of music, drinking & whoever I was dating at the time which would pretty much set my personality. It used to feel like I saw things spiritually as well although looking back that was likely just because I was feeling everything so intensely. Then one day I just snapped out of everything & it was like I could finally objectively look at my life & that more exciting world died with it when I realised it was insane. Now it's just all anxiety, cycling moods, being over sensitive & feeling worthless, I miss the old world

Everyone misses their youth. Disorders or no, everyone misses something about the freedom and adventure of _____. I miss being a bike messenger in NYC and scoring with impressionable, young models whose books I used to carry around to fashion clients. But time passes, and you ask yourself, what am I doing with my life? Other people have lives or what not, and you're standing there with your dick in your hand thinking to yourself, what do I do now? Everyone else has it all figured out, while, um, I'm doing whatever it is I'm doing…like a f-ckng retard. At some point, one does indeed need to become a full-grown adult in the world and stop bitching and moaning about bygone days. Unfortunately, life doesn't stop when you've grown too old to show up at the party to dance and do drugs and have fun. There's a realization of the need to ask yourself, what do I do from here on out?

Just my own reactions, not criticizing or anything.

Either you or I have the wrong diagnosis cos I feel exactly the same. I feel bored with stability but also unable to cope with being stable. I often want to stop meds to feel the intense emotions again. Intense highs and lows, music, chaos, not being expected to be or do anything.