The Evolution of my BPD

I've always new I was different as a child. Socially anxious, intense emotions and clingy could some me up. I also had an overwhelming amount of empathy towards others and even though I was anxious about being around a lot of people I never wanted to be alone. Growing up with my old distant relative, I was always close with her. She raised me while my father was always working and my mother lived with her other children overseas. We were thick as thieves and there was no where my relative could go without taking me. While I'm typing this I find it hard to feel what I once felt and it's frustrating that I can barely keep focused on this simple task. However before my ship sinks I have to try and explain myself. That child I once was changed from one extreme to the next. After a while he began to show anger, resentment and hatred towards his relative. The emotions that were intense became more intense and anxiety along with it. I ran away, cut myself, had sex with whoever I could, neglected family and friends, and spent a lot time thinking about the painless death. I felt emotional pain like if my soul was bleeding. It became so intense I tried to create an alter ego to protect me from it. That however just made me cold, bitter and angry. I forgot to say that I left my relative and moved to Canada to live with my aunt. This is where I attempted to create a personality to deal with my emotions. I was diagnosed with depression in both countries though I hated being analysed by a psychologist, so I spent most of time analyzing them instead. One of them even said it was bipolar (FYI I personally hate that some people get to call themselves psychologists just because they spent some time in a university writing nonsense approved by professor who knows as much or probably less than Jon Snow)which I believed since my emotions moved from one extreme to the next. Some days I can feel enlightened like Buddha while other days I am empty. Anyway after spending a year in Canada I became a bit too much for aunt to handle so she kicked me back to my home country, ripping my bonds I created to shreds. I guess you can say that is where the 'evolutionary speed' increased. I hated being sent back to my country more than anything, not just because of embarrassment, humiliation, rejection or location downgrade but also because I developed extremely deep feelings for someone I was seeing. Crying endlessly I apologized to my aunt for not being any good and for past actions however together with her husband they neglected me altogether. That was approximately 4 years ago, maybe longer or shorter. After returning to my country I tried to focus on my education but I never liked school and now I hated my country too. I did 2 out of 5/6 certificates I would need to go to community college or university. After those 2 I signed up to finish the rest but I gave up. I'm just tired but thankfully I was able to type this much. Since I left Canada I have disconnected from everyone and locked myself away in my bedroom. If anyone disturbed me I used to get angry now I just don't care. The intense emotions I once had I have successfully numbed, the socially anxiety is numbed but now I hate being around people. I still feel emotional pain but it's not strong anymore. Currently there is an opportunity for me to work in real estate but I can't leave home. Not that I can't but my motivation is zero. I find it extremely hard to do something if I don't feel like it. Actually if I force myself to do something I don't want it creates a rage inside me that is very malice. It's like pushing to do something but there is a force pushing back and it creates friction like rubbing two hard flammable objects together. My future is very bleak at the moment and this upsets me but motivational wise that's not enough. I have dabbled in different things like programming, music production, graphic design, website development, website design and most recently photography but I can never stick to one thing. My apologies, I forgot to say I've spent 2-3 years in my room alone. As I said before after leaving Canada I disconnected from everyone, now the only thing I cherish is my laptop and the internet. That is how I stumbled upon this thing called BPD. I researched it and was able to do a self diagnosis(not really loving psychologists right now) but the problem is explaining it to anyone. No one can understand this, I'm not even sure if I can fight this disorder. My family pep talks and motivational speeches do not affect me anymore. My receptors to certain stimuli have become like that Pink Floyd song. However there has been one question that constantly bugged me whenever I thought about it and that is 'Who am I?' I can't continue any further, right now my cousin is threatening to abandon me and I'm not really motivated to try to stop that. As I said, I prefer to be alone. Do you think I suffer with BPD or did I suffer with it and then just escalated to something worse.

EveryNothing wrote:I've always new I was different as a child. Socially anxious, intense emotions and clingy could some me up. I also had an overwhelming amount of empathy towards others and even though I was anxious about being around a lot of people I never wanted to be alone.

Growing up with my old distant relative, I was always close with her. She raised me while my father was always working and my mother lived with her other children overseas. We were thick as thieves and there was no where my relative could go without taking me.

While I'm typing this I find it hard to feel what I once felt and it's frustrating that I can barely keep focused on this simple task. However before my ship sinks I have to try and explain myself.

That child I once was changed from one extreme to the next. After a while he began to show anger, resentment and hatred towards his relative. The emotions that were intense became more intense and anxiety along with it. I ran away, cut myself, had sex with whoever I could, neglected family and friends, and spent a lot time thinking about the painless death. I felt emotional pain like if my soul was bleeding. It became so intense I tried to create an alter ego to protect me from it. That however just made me cold, bitter and angry.

I forgot to say that I left my relative and moved to Canada to live with my aunt. This is where I attempted to create a personality to deal with my emotions. I was diagnosed with depression in both countries though I hated being analysed by a psychologist, so I spent most of time analyzing them instead. One of them even said it was bipolar (FYI I personally hate that some people get to call themselves psychologists just because they spent some time in a university writing nonsense approved by professor who knows as much or probably less than Jon Snow)which I believed since my emotions moved from one extreme to the next. Some days I can feel enlightened like Buddha while other days I am empty.

Anyway after spending a year in Canada I became a bit too much for aunt to handle so she kicked me back to my home country, ripping my bonds I created to shreds. I guess you can say that is where the 'evolutionary speed' increased. I hated being sent back to my country more than anything, not just because of embarrassment, humiliation, rejection or location downgrade but also because I developed extremely deep feelings for someone I was seeing. Crying endlessly I apologized to my aunt for not being any good and for past actions however together with her husband they neglected me altogether. That was approximately 4 years ago, maybe longer or shorter.

After returning to my country I tried to focus on my education but I never liked school and now I hated my country too. I did 2 out of 5/6 certificates I would need to go to community college or university. After those 2 I signed up to finish the rest but I gave up.

I'm just tired but thankfully I was able to type this much. Since I left Canada I have disconnected from everyone and locked myself away in my bedroom. If anyone disturbed me I used to get angry now I just don't care. The intense emotions I once had I have successfully numbed, the socially anxiety is numbed but now I hate being around people. I still feel emotional pain but it's not strong anymore.

Currently there is an opportunity for me to work in real estate but I can't leave home. Not that I can't but my motivation is zero. I find it extremely hard to do something if I don't feel like it. Actually if I force myself to do something I don't want it creates a rage inside me that is very malice. It's like pushing to do something but there is a force pushing back and it creates friction like rubbing two hard flammable objects together.

My future is very bleak at the moment and this upsets me but motivational wise that's not enough. I have dabbled in different things like programming, music production, graphic design, website development, website design and most recently photography but I can never stick to one thing.

My apologies, I forgot to say I've spent 2-3 years in my room alone. As I said before after leaving Canada I disconnected from everyone, now the only thing I cherish is my laptop and the internet.

That is how I stumbled upon this thing called BPD. I researched it and was able to do a self diagnosis(not really loving psychologists right now) but the problem is explaining it to anyone. No one can understand this, I'm not even sure if I can fight this disorder. My family pep talks and motivational speeches do not affect me anymore. My receptors to certain stimuli have become like that Pink Floyd song.

However there has been one question that constantly bugged me whenever I thought about it and that is 'Who am I?' I can't continue any further, right now my cousin is threatening to abandon me and I'm not really motivated to try to stop that. As I said, I prefer to be alone. Do you think I suffer with BPD or did I suffer with it and then just escalated to something worse.

I separated your post into paragraphs just for ease of reading, seems like you were writing this in one big burst with a lot of effort which I can totally relate to.

Abandonment fears tend to be a large part of the core of BPD, and I think it would be fair to say that you could have easily suffered major feelings of abandonment with your parents. Long before I even knew what BPD was I started closing myself from people and avoiding *real* bonds because it was the only way I knew how to prevent the worst of my BPD episodes, so I can also relate a lot to your tendency to isolate, as well as what appears to be the exception you make for romantic partners. Another huge factor is having your emotions invalidated in one way or another (or tons of ways) from an early age, so that is something you might also want to reflect upon in your journey for understanding. People with BPD also often have a very confused sense of self or identity and will often attempt to try on personalities the way some people try on clothes, which can include frequently changing hobbies, interests, social circles and also feeling aimless and indecisive when it comes to choosing a career path. People with BPD also often disassociate when emotions become extremely overwhelming, which could explain your numbed state after an overwhelming period.

So I do think your suspicion that you may have BPD makes sense, you do seem to have some of the symptoms. But remember that personality disorders are not cookie cutter things. They fall on a spectrum from mild to very severe, and you do not have to have all of the symptoms, just most of them.

Based on my personal experience, I would say another big giveaway is how focused you are on the past as opposed to focusing on your next moves and the here and now. I see this is a lot with other people with BPD whom I have known, and I have always seen it a lot in myself. Endlessly trying to process old things but not having the skills to do so, and so it becomes obsessive and exhausting.

It is also possible that you have a comorbid disorder such as bipolar disorder, it is common enough for there to be comorbidity with BPD such as BP or GAD and so on that it is something to consider. I also think that sometimes living with BPD can just make you flat out depressed and apathetic because frankly it sucks.