Having a really bad cutting/anorexia relapse

Im not sure what to do at this point. I think i might be bipolar in addition to borderline because i was feeling good for a bit then i just dropped. I've started thinking im fat again and itsbecoming legit difficult to realize im not. I wanted to lose 5 lbs and instead i lost 10. My size 2s bag on me now and my size 0s arent even form fitting. You can see bones all up my back and inbetween my boobs atm.

The other night i was having a very restless sleep and woke up crying with very dark thoughts that just flooded my brain out of nowhere. I felt worthless and gross and wanted to die and was sorely tempted to cut but forced myself not to because i knew they would end up deep gashes if i did and scars would just mske every thing worse atm.

I just feel really lonely and like i don't want to keep doing this. Im not sure if i have the energy to deal with this this time. The only thing that excites me right now is thinking about jumping off a bridge

What sort of help are you receiving right now? Meds? Therapy? I have both BPD and bipolar disorder and the two feed into each other and trigger each other pretty badly. I have been trying to go without meds for almost a year now but once again I am finding that I just cannot do it. My mixed states are too bad and then because I am a borderline I cannot cope for ---- with them I can barely cope with everyday things most of the time let alone mixed state symptoms. When I am going into a mixed state my mind is often flooded with very dark and nasty things and I have a very hard time sleeping. My BPD intrusive thoughts tend to be about specific people or events and I will obsess over those specific things for hours but bipolar intrusive thoughts feel more like themes and have vivid imagery. So for example a BPD intrusive thought issue might be that I feel like someone is plotting against me and hates me and is evil and I will obsess for hours about trying to figure them out and keep going over the conversations in my head and also making pretend arguments where I basically practice what I will say. A bipolar mixed state will have me lying there at night thinking about what if demons are real and I have demons in my head and then I have vivid imagery of them and feel like I should kill myself. They are very distinct experiences from each other but they can often feed into each other very easily. Like if stress coming from BPD keeps me up at night for a few nights in a row then the sleep deprivation can lead into a biploar episode. Or I can have a bipolar episode but use BPD coping methods like self harm to try to deal with it. IME I cannot work on BPD things unless my bipolar symptoms are under control it is just impossible.