I've been searching for an exit, but I'm lost inside my head

Well I officially (if you can even say that with BPD) hit rock bottom. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years and yesterday he said he isn't sure he can handle the bpd anymore but today told me he definitely wants to stay with me... shortly after we went to the store and things didn't work out as I had "planned" and I ended up flipping $#%^ as usual and he literally got on a bus and left me sitting on a bench alone out front of a run down abandoned pork take out joint.

He has never done such a thing before and I can't say I blame him why would anyone want to be in his position. I just feel like things are turning the feeling is all to real, this is when it all comes crashing down the break up is right around the corner. He always says he would never leave me but from my experience I've never had a guy stay.

I finally quit my job that I love and told them everything, I stopped taking my meds yesterday and I have lost all hope of ever recovering. I wish I could just move back in with my mom she didn't always know what to do but she knows how to handle and calm me down the best, I can't stop crying because I am 28 years old and would do anything to just go back to mom. But I can't, she has a boyfriend who would not allow such a thing and my boyfriend truly does not want me to move out right now which totally blows my ######6 mind. What am I going to do when he doesn't want me anymore.

*let me add that it's 2am here and he just walked down to the diner to get me take out because I started crying hysterically because we didn't have eggs and I'm hungry. I don't think I deserve such a giving person when I can't even be half the person he is.

their's a good book to read about that it's called "the final exit"

even i've had many meltdowns n anger outbursts. now before meeting anyone i wait for ten minutes and then go

like if i have to meet a colleague then i stay calm for ten minutes n then make. sort of helps me prevent the rage outburst.

regarding the relationship and whether to break it, let your friend decide it. it's hist decision whether he wants to be with you or not

i remember when i was pursuing a woman i used to think for her and assume that i'm not worthy of her.

but it's their choice whether they want to be with us or not. we cannot steal this right of them. there must be a reason they're hanging out with us.

AL, firstly, I don't think it's a good idea to suddenly stop taking your meds. You may feel like they're not helping, but putting a shock to your system right now doesn't sound good at all. Discuss this kind of thing with your doctor or psychiatrist.

Also, it sounds like this is a kind of wake up call, that what you've been doing for treatment thus far hasn't been working out as well as you'd like. These things take time, so don't be too hard on yourself, but feel free to discuss the kinds of things you've been trying so far. And feel free to ask others what their experiences are, how they handle intense emotions and outbursts of emotion.

I've been there too. I remember thinking I'm my twenties how every time was the worst time. The pressure and stress are just too much for anyone to keep inside.

I can't tell you how to behave, but I can tell you that the choices you make will either let it persist, or move you up. The first step out is to decide/realize that it's within your power to make the change in your life. Your mom's not going to change you. Nor her bf. And your partner can't. Only you can make the changes, and it's within your power. That's what I told myself.

As for knowing which way to go? Therapy. Always. I spent years going to therapy to recover. And I did recover. It was hard won.

So much of this journey is to realize that influenced into these behaviors over years, whether by moments we chose or were made by others. To escape we must build moments that let us practice better behavior. We must have the courage to face failure. Hence therapy. Whether you take prescription drugs to help aod in the recovery or not, it's really about spending time "re-raising" yourself.

I don't need to tell you life is hard. It's going to stay that way for awhile. But you can make choices that make healthy choices easier. And in time you may even see the behaviors and stress disappear. It took me 9 years.

I've never had someone write a line that so struck a nerve, "I've been searching for an exit, but I'm lost inside my head," then that line. I've been adrift for a long time now and am in a very similar place. I feel the same way towards my wife and children, I don't deserve them and I know that I am not worth it. I too have quit my meds but I've also stopped my diabetic, cholesterol and my high blood pressure meds, it's time to just let nature take its course. No more therapy etc... I'm just a bad investment. I don't know if it's bottom, I've thought that I've hit it so many times before. All I can tell you is that I'm 42 and you are still young, please try and find help, you still are young and still have the ability to fight. Don't give up on yourself, ask for help. I so know where you are and don't want you to roll to this place, I myself had a kitchen meltdown but I was out of A1, try explaining to a 13 & 9 year old why Dad had completely fell to pieces because there was no steak sauce. I've reached the place where I look in the mirror and don't recognize the person who stares back and the only relief is found by cutting the shame, pain and frustration out. Please reach out and find help.

You can make it but it will probably be very painful. I have found these to be simultaneously truths at various times, that basically you will be in a ton of pain but you can survive it. It helps me to just focus on one or two things at a time and keep my eye on the ball. Right now my life is a total mess in many ways but I am just focusing on an upcoming appointment with a new psychiatrist. I have not had a psychiatrist in quite a while and finally made the call today. So that is my goal right now and I am just focusing on it really hard. There are tons of other things wrong with my life right now and many new problems that are probably around the corner but I am just focusing on that one thing right now. Once I get there and get through the appointment, I will have a new thing to focus on, maybe trying a new medication that I have not tried before or something else that the psych wants me to do. Maybe if it goes well I will make my new goal finding a DBT specialist or group and focus on that next. But for now this upcoming appointment is the ball. If you have been feeling terrible and out of control then maybe your current treatment plan is not the right one, maybe you need to try a different medication or change a dosage or maybe you need something else entirely. So maybe your goal you should focus on right now is making an appointment with your professional of choice and telling them that the current plan is not working. That might be the best you can do right now and that is OKAY. Just focus and do not give up.

madjoe wrote:their's a good book to read about that it's called "the final exit"

Thanks madjoe, haha I always do appreciate your short to the point responses and that looks like a VERY interesting read I am totally getting it.

-- Mon Jun 01, 2015 3:38 pm --

jaus tail wrote:even i've had many meltdowns n anger outbursts. now before meeting anyone i wait for ten minutes and then go

like if i have to meet a colleague then i stay calm for ten minutes n then make. sort of helps me prevent the rage outburst.

regarding the relationship and whether to break it, let your friend decide it. it's hist decision whether he wants to be with you or not

i remember when i was pursuing a woman i used to think for her and assume that i'm not worthy of her.

but it's their choice whether they want to be with us or not. we cannot steal this right of them. there must be a reason they're hanging out with us.

I guess that is what is so frustrating sometimes I can wait 10 minutes then sometimes I don't even realize that I flipped out until the sound of something breaking or the terrified look on my boyfriends face. I agree in letting him decide because honestly I would just be running from fear of abandonment because I truly do want to be with him. He says he stays with me because what we have is special and he knows the me under the bpd, I think he can see the person I am underneath it all more often than I can.

Danieleaf wrote:AL, firstly, I don't think it's a good idea to suddenly stop taking your meds. You may feel like they're not helping, but putting a shock to your system right now doesn't sound good at all. Discuss this kind of thing with your doctor or psychiatrist.

Also, it sounds like this is a kind of wake up call, that what you've been doing for treatment thus far hasn't been working out as well as you'd like. These things take time, so don't be too hard on yourself, but feel free to discuss the kinds of things you've been trying so far. And feel free to ask others what their experiences are, how they handle intense emotions and outbursts of emotion.

I have discussed going off my meds with my therapist I never do anything without letting her know, as for my psych she's ######6 impossible to get a hold of so she will find out when I see her in 2 days and that's her own damn fault I tried to contact her and so did my psychotherapist!

I know my body very well and I along with others in my life were in danger of getting hurt by me staying on them, I have bipolar as well and was on depakoat I researched what was happening to me and many people had the same reaction I did and they were also very fearful and were taken off the meds immediately, plus I didn't suddenly stop taking them I weaned myself off until I finally stopped and I can't say that I'm 100% but I'm not out in the woods with a sheet trying to find the right tree talking to myself and assaulting myself/others which was totally out of my character in general.

It is truly a wake up call but I can't say it's a pleasing one yes my therapy and meds are not working and I just truly feel back at the place I started from I know it takes years and years and years but starting over never feels good when you thought you were three steps ahead.

Atataxia wrote:I've been there too. I remember thinking I'm my twenties how every time was the worst time. The pressure and stress are just too much for anyone to keep inside.

I can't tell you how to behave, but I can tell you that the choices you make will either let it persist, or move you up. The first step out is to decide/realize that it's within your power to make the change in your life. Your mom's not going to change you. Nor her bf. And your partner can't. Only you can make the changes, and it's within your power. That's what I told myself.

As for knowing which way to go? Therapy. Always. I spent years going to therapy to recover. And I did recover. It was hard won.

So much of this journey is to realize that influenced into these behaviors over years, whether by moments we chose or were made by others. To escape we must build moments that let us practice better behavior. We must have the courage to face failure. Hence therapy. Whether you take prescription drugs to help aod in the recovery or not, it's really about spending time "re-raising" yourself.

I don't need to tell you life is hard. It's going to stay that way for awhile. But you can make choices that make healthy choices easier. And in time you may even see the behaviors and stress disappear. It took me 9 years.

I'm not looking for my mom or boyfriend to change me even when I thought I couldn't change I never expected anyone to do it for me because that just makes no sense to me I am a Capricorn after all What I meant was that having people in my life that are able to work with me and not against me plays a big difference my mother doesn't hassle with me when I'm having a melt down and making no sense at all because she knows it is pointless and what I am saying is illogical and I just need to vent.
My boyfriend plays Mr. Fix it and will ask me a million questions on how he can fix the situation that he is not capable of (if anyone here thinks they can change another person it's him!) He does mean well it's not that he does it in a malicious way or that he is annoyed he just wants to help but it causes me more stress when he is asking me tons of questions on top of my tons of thoughts. I have been in therapy for a year and I do expect to be there for many to come because I haven't even made a dent in this $#%^.

-- Mon Jun 01, 2015 4:16 pm --

batcap wrote:I've never had someone write a line that so struck a nerve, "I've been searching for an exit, but I'm lost inside my head," then that line. I've been adrift for a long time now and am in a very similar place. I feel the same way towards my wife and children, I don't deserve them and I know that I am not worth it. I too have quit my meds but I've also stopped my diabetic, cholesterol and my high blood pressure meds, it's time to just let nature take its course. No more therapy etc... I'm just a bad investment. I don't know if it's bottom, I've thought that I've hit it so many times before. All I can tell you is that I'm 42 and you are still young, please try and find help, you still are young and still have the ability to fight. Don't give up on yourself, ask for help. I so know where you are and don't want you to roll to this place, I myself had a kitchen meltdown but I was out of A1, try explaining to a 13 & 9 year old why Dad had completely fell to pieces because there was no steak sauce. I've reached the place where I look in the mirror and don't recognize the person who stares back and the only relief is found by cutting the shame, pain and frustration out. Please reach out and find help.

Yeah that songs lyrics is truly my anthem I've listened to it about 100 times in the past 3 days! I was feeling the same way about therapy that it's a waste because I keep going back doing the same stupid crap over and over! But I didn't realize the attachment I have with my therapist the psych I can ditch but not my therapist I tried numerous times and I always go crawling back it's nice she never judges me for breaking up with her all the time.
Aw I'm really sorry you had to explain that to the kids I know that is so hard :hugs: I have nephews around that age and my sister is Bipolar and OCD she's never been able to explain her outbursts I feel like she doesn't even know how to explain it to herself but one day I got really mad while I was hanging with my nephew and he said to me "You sound just like my Mom" I immediately bursted into tears because he was right and he has no idea what the hell is going on with us.
I am right there with ya I actually avoid looking in the mirror these days because it's like seeing a ghost it's frightening.