Changing symptoms

Something that's been really bothering me lately is my change in symptoms. I started off with the typical symptoms, Identity problems, splitting, pushing people away, intense emotions and relationship problems. The in the last year, Ive been dealing with a lot of anxiety and I noticed the BPD symptoms change, almost as if I wasn't even BPD anymore. (Was diagnosed 4 years ago and literally fitted classic BPD). I started to think I was getting better as no more identity problems, I know longer get obsessed with new people and things, I stopped splitting with my partner, I didn't hate then love him everyday, I stopped being overly upset and instead seemed to just block out all my feelings. I used to feel over the top sadness and worthlessness but now its mainly just anger. Is it possible I could cover all other feelings wth anger as sadness has always been a primary emotion. Ive been through so much this year, and I feel totally confused over the fact I no longer fit the BPD categories so much. My symptoms now are just constant anger/irritation, intense anxiety, and maybe occasionally creating issues in a relationship. I don't feel im 'cured' at all, I'm just wondering if anyone has had symptoms stop for a while or change and why this might be?

Part of BPD is that violent shifting of emotions, which I have had but I've also had times where my emotions have gone into a direction and continued to roll that way and stay there for awhile, whether it's depression, anger, sadness etc... I also used to feel like it's a changing symptom but I've come to feel that it's just a symptom that taken over more then the others for a time. I've started to learn when they are running away in a direction and have tried to learn to keep them more under control so one doesn't take control.

I've gone through periods of intense anxiety and irritability, followed by emptiness and depression. The anger and anxiety were my first issues to tackle, and for the most part I'm much more in control of those emotions. The emptiness and sadness is another story all together.

Basically, the symptoms that I can use logical reasoning to deal with have been greatly minimized, including splitting and pushing people away for small incidences. Feeling sadness and worthlessness are, um, more problematic issues to tackle.

But yeah, I've had my share of cycling between all of these emotions for a long, long time. I'm tackling them one by one.

AH I guess anger has just taken over for me then, I guess I got so used to the disorder being a certain way, when it changed it confused me. I sometimes read the forums and think yeah i used to be able to relate to that, but I can't anymore. There are still threads where i'm like YES THIS IS ME. I guess one big change for me was 'finding who I am' as I settled down a bit, and stopped changing so much. Part of me things this might just have been with age, that i've found a comfortable role in life for the moment. I tend to get thrown off though when symptoms change. After being with my partner for a very long time now, I noticed things not being so rocky. I was like AHHHH maybe i'm not bpd anymore and it made me feel weird and empty like I was still suffering with something but just not BPD. I don't know if this makes sense at all haha

-- Fri May 29, 2015 8:53 pm --

Well, at any rate, whatever it is or isn't that you may feel you're going through, it helps to talk about it and get responses. It helps you to get clarity on whatever it is that you think you may be feeling at the time.

Ironically a few days after writing this post had a proper meltdown...not cured yet

cupoftea22 wrote:Ironically a few days after writing this post had a proper meltdown...not cured yet

My periods of being numb or feeling like maybe things are going to be good or okay are almost always followed by a massive breakdown or outburst because what happens is that when the pressure starts to build I disassociate from it and then eventually it comes exploding out the surface.

So it will be like..

I feel kinda anxious lately. (Emotional Scale 1/10)
I feel kinda depressed lately. (Emotional Scale 2/10)
I'm feeling even more anxious and depressed. (Emotional Scale 4/10)
I'm starting to feel pretty anxious and really depressed holy damn. (Emotional Scale 6/10)
*disassociates*
Wow I suddenly feel fine. (Emotional Scale 7/10)
Yeah I'm doing a lot better. (Emotional Scale 8/10)
Man I think I'm better now. (Emotional Scale 9/10)
*disassociation breaks*
Emotional Scale 10/10 Oh my god my roommate is definitely trying to do something bad to me and totally hates me oh my god I have to get out of here but nobody cares about me so I have nowhere to go and i am just trapped here abandoned and hated by everyone oh god.

Or..

That coworker is a little annoying sometimes. (Emotional Scale 1/10)
Did they do that on purpose to make me upset? Hmm. (Emotional Scale 2/10)
Yeah I think they did do that on purpose, what the hell. (Emotional Scale 4/10)
This coworker clearly has it in for me, what the hell is his problem??? (Emotional Scale 6/10)
*disassociates*
Wow I suddenly feel fine. (Emotional Scale 7/10)
Yeah I'm doing a lot better. (Emotional Scale 8/10)
Man I think I'm better now. (Emotional Scale 9/10)
*disassociation breaks*
Emotional Scale 10/10 [i]That coworker is totally evil and has probably turned everyone against me!!! I bet, no I KNOW they have told everyone terrible things about me and they are probably the reason why my files were messed up the other day they must have done it while I was on my lunch break and I'm probably going to get fired and their evil nasty ass will get away with it AAUUGGHH I just want to throw my chair at them I can't even stand it![/i]