why do i like danger? trigger

So i have a really bad habit of being really drawn to dangerous people and situations. I've gotten in cars with strangers multiple times which led to an assault last year which was followed by a relapse of self harming that lasted til this March.

Im also really experimental with sex and drugs. Every one worries about me and i feel like i drive them away subconsciously cuz im addicted to tragedy and being hurt and a big part of me wants to die young and looks for terrible things to happen to me.

By the same coin happiness is challenging. Its like its easier to feel pain than happiness. Sometimes it gets better and i wise up and i just wanna be happy but something always triggers me back into a downward spiral. Why am i like this? How can i cope?

I would think its self sabotage. Maybe work on improving your relationship with yourself so that you really feel you deserve safety and good stuff. Happiness IMO is just being at peace with yourself. The emotions usually come and go, life changes, but internal balance provides that happiness.

Risky behavior is one of the criteria for BPD, and I personally believe that it is one of the ways people respond to dysphoric mood (the feeling of being empty, emotionally numb, or like you don't exist). It is as if by doing risky stuff we can assert that we do exist, and maybe defeat dysphoria even for a moment by feeling some kind of emotion (fear, excitement, whatever).

There are better ways to defeat it, but they are harder. The one that DBT teaches is mindfulness.

Yeah, think I'm going to echo everybody above - it's self-destruction in whatever ways one can find.