Attachment and idealisation

Hi i'm new here.

I just wanted to know, what makes you idealize someone in the first place? Why do you become attached to a person, what did they do to make you like them so much?

I read on an aspergers forum that some people with the aspergers get attached to a person because they were kind to them and they clung to that person. Is this the same for bpd?

I'll either do it because I fancy the person, or I just become friends normally with them, and once they are friends I start to idealise them and want to tell them everything, want them to care and feel sorry for me. If they are kind to me then yes it is easier to get attached. I'm always looking for people to care about me.

I rarely get attached to anyone on more than a superficial level, but when I do...omg. Everything they say and do is directed at me, especially if it's negative. It's how I drive away pretty much everyone I care about, then blame them for abandoning me. I put them high on a pedestal so everything they say and do is amplified to such a degree that it becomes overwhelming and I lash out. Ugh.

I rarely get attached too, but there is a positive side. I don't smoke, try not to drink (not good at that lately), active mountain biker, not plastic, trendy or Narcissistic -- that rules out 90% of gay men right away, so much of my problem is simply being gay.

Then I fall for needy guys because I "feel their pain." My empathy is my worst enemy and I want to rescue them. I overlook or ignore all their faults, but idealize their good points, even if they are few.

The current EMO Waif Wolf:

Facts:
24, unemployed, lives with his father, aunt and uncle in an attic.
Feels trapped, but cannot bring himself to look for work.
Has no real interests other than his cats and sex.
Few friends, dependent upon family.
Deceitful.

My idealization:
Sensitive and shy.
Family-focused.
Innocent, to the point where I felt dirty having sex with him.
Trustworthy.

Even when he first thought that he might have an STD, I thought that maybe I was a little rough on his willy during sex and irritated it.

I'm not sure exactly what's required. Maybe... that I think they might like me? Like, some small signal... the way they look at me. Of course, I don't get attached to everyone under these circumstances, but it seems that this might be what makes me notice them in the first place. And it's always romantically motivated. I don't get attached to women, or men in a platonic way.

I don't pay any mind to those who don't show some kind of responsiveness to me first. Even if I find them attractive... they are inconsequential if I don't know they like me.

But all it really takes is... a smile. I accidentally walked backward into a guy once who worked security at my job. The way he looked at me... it took about two seconds, and I spent the next several weeks imagining our wedding lol. He wasn't even my type.

Yeah, pretty much exactly what jabberwock said. I like being around people, it's fun, but it's like exercise; after a while I need a break. And I have trouble letting anyone see me on break, without my charming face on. I actually don't think the charming face is duplicitous or sinister; it's simply the way I react to most people. But I really love the time when I'm alone, quiet, maybe stoned, listening to music, playing video games, snuggling with my cat, watching old movies, reading. When I meet someone I'm comfortable being around this way, someone I can laugh or talk or share silence with easily, then I will really connect with that person. I guess I get attached to people who like hanging out with that part of me, the quieter, more thoughtful me.

Hymmm…two part question really: friends and lovers.

Friends: I've had two types of friends during the course of my life. The ones I want and need (for whatever reason) and the ones that I've been kind of ambivalent about. The friends I still have are the ones I've been ambivalent about, and the others…I've burned bridges, and I've had bridges burned for me. But I'm an artist, and all of my friends are artists, so you know, we're all crazy in our own ways. The painters are absolutely the worst, visceral to the extreme. The writers, well they like to smoke pot and have "open relationships", which isn't my thing. The musicians are always a wild card. Some are serious art-makers and some are rock 'n' rollers just hanging out. All talented, all a problem in their own ways.

Lovers…(or wishful lovers): Hymm, well, firstly, they need be extremely intelligent, soulful, thoughtful. After that is connection, whatever that is. For me, it's the feeling of painfulness…and of course the dealing with that pain. I mean, we all connect with what we're familiar with, and that's what I'm familiar with…pain on some level, or at the very least an over-feeling of emotion.... all the time. After that is some kind of understanding and recognition. If that happens, then I…am…hooked.

Do you think that the attachment and idealization could be mutual and long lasting in a couple, or is there always something that spoils the attachment and idealizaton causing one of the partners to break up?

ADHD-HP wrote:Do you think that the attachment and idealization could be mutual and long lasting in a couple, or is there always something that spoils the attachment and idealizaton causing one of the partners to break up?

I can only speak for myself, but as soon as I start to idealize someone or put them on that pedestal, it all starts to go to hell. No way they can maintain that idealized version of themselves that I have, then I freak out.

jabberwocky wrote:

ADHD-HP wrote:Do you think that the attachment and idealization could be mutual and long lasting in a couple, or is there always something that spoils the attachment and idealizaton causing one of the partners to break up?

I can only speak for myself, but as soon as I start to idealize someone or put them on that pedestal, it all starts to go to hell. No way they can maintain that idealized version of themselves that I have, then I freak out.

And this is what I am trying to understand. If the idealization is mutual in a couple, why does it all have to go to hell when deep down you know it could be heaven?