Inevitable self-destruction

Full disclosure…I"m capable of my own drinking and venting spells from time to time…when I especially need a release of some kind, and my usual "healthy" methods have proven not to be enough. It's because I'm a relentless dreamer and idealist, but I can't quite figure out how to actualize those dreams and ideals to my satisfaction. Real life always gets in the way. What always remains is that deep down, I'm a believer, which is why I tend to press other people often, "You should totally do that. There's a way to make that happen".

The music in the link was highly enjoyable. At any rate, I hope your day turns out to be better than yesterday. Take care of yourself.

I have bouts of optimism as well... I've done a lot of changing over the years... so I know certain feats to be possible. But, honestly... it hasn't been enough.

I used to be completely hopeless. My life was a slow disintegration. I figured that was actually the easiest way to rid the world of myself. It's harder to try to do it all at once.

But... I finally... finally saw beauty in life. I felt love. I felt loved.

Then, like the punchline of a cruel joke, my new found optimism was crushed by a series of setbacks. As soon as I really gave life a chance, it falls apart.

Which is why I start to feel like, it wasn't meant to be. I wasn't meant to live. Five more minutes and I wouldn't be here. I wish so bad they hadn't brought me back. All the pain I could have been spared.

I can definitely relate to having life throw you a number of setbacks just when you're feeling alive and optimistic about where you think you're headed. Last year was one of the absolute worst years of my life, and I had to spend the winter recovering, "working" on myself. I've had to admit that there are a few things I hadn't tried yet, so I'm trying those things. So far this year has been getting better, even if it's getting better a tiny bit at a time and very, very slowly.

I'm not going to say something lame like "take a walk in the park", or "are you talking about this with a therapist or with friends"…because we've all heard those kinds of responses before, and, well, my reaction is to roll my eyes a bit and quickly change the subject because it's like having a children's conversation.

At any rate, letha, I realize that you're feeling quite awful now…and I hope that you don't disintegrate. I hope that something helps to turn that around. I don't know what that "something" for you would be, but I hope that you find it.

The psychotic mind?
How to fool yourself

Do you hate yourself? You might.
Who causes the pain, though? It's you.
Love the pain and all at once you'll stop providing it.

I have been there in my past. And now....even now...I try not to let the downward spiral begin. I thought it was funny that Psychology Today came out with advice recently that accurately portrays what I had learned on my own, although the word 'self-pity' is a little strong (maybe): https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wh ... -self-pity

I do have self-pity at times. It can be hard not to when your life has legit been ######6 stupid.

But I can accept the fact that life isn't fair. I know some of us just draw the short straw.

And I know too that things could have been worse. Jesus though... they could've been a whole lot better. What can I be thankful for? I'll spare the sob story, but... I can't think of anything significant to be grateful for.

It could always be worse. That's about it.

letha, I believe you to be exceptionally intelligent as well as perceptive…if not overly emotional, which I can relate to, believe me. Emotion can be fckng overwhelming, which I absolutely understand.

On the one hand, I could have been born the son to the Sultan of Brunei, with all of my wishes fulfilled. On the other, I could have been born to peasant farmers in eastern Africa, Janjaweed soldiers killing and raping the adults in my village, threatening to dismember me if I didn't join their army, leaving me no choice but to to comply. The manner in which I was actually born is somewhere in between.

I don't know your experiences in full, and you don't know mine. All I know is that that your experiences have in some way overwhelmed you…for the time being. But keep in mind that while things could be so much better, they could be so much worse…and of course, you are not alone in feeling however you think that you're feeling now. For sure, absolutely, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. In whatever way you think you may be batting your emotions by yourself, keep in mind, that in fact you are not. In whatever ways that you think that you are alone, you are not. In any ways you feel you are experiencing your own emotions alone, by yourself, you are not.

Absolutely, by no recognition whatsoever, are you going through anything all by yourself. You have an entire community here for support whenever you feel like calling upon it, because there are so many here that can relate to how you are feeling. Never, ever doubt that…because you've probably already experienced it in one way or another. There's like a literal army of people here that you can call upon for support, whenever you feel like you need it…so use it whenever you feel like you need to.

It's inevitable that you will destroy yourself. It is so because you named it as such.

One can only wallow in sh!t at the fringes of your freedom.

You need emotional support like you need a hole in the head and that's pretty facking badly

I'm sorry was that rude? I meant to be empathetic. It's a funny kind of empathy but I am affectionately benevolent as well. I have this raging headache.

I'm not sure how to take that joltaire... but I'm pretty ambivalent about empathy.

Generally I have more reserve in complaining about my problems, but my inhibition has been lowered recently.

In the past I'd come here, type half a post and... realize it was pointless and never finish. What good does it do me? I don't know. Perhaps it's better to let out my resentment and frustration here than elsewhere? Does it make me feel better that people can relate, or empathize? I don't know. I'd prefer some magical, effortless solution... but... I don't expect it. Maybe it's good to be heard sometimes. Even if it's mostly pointless.

Anyway, I do appreciate you listening, Danieleaf. And maybe this is... temporary... I'm probably not going to do anything drastic regardless. I'm just going to see how this plays out.

letha wrote:I'm not sure how to take that joltaire... but I'm pretty ambivalent about empathy.

Generally I have more reserve in complaining about my problems, but my inhibition has been lowered recently.

Take it as validation. I was quite drunk. My intent was deliberately concealed behind vague language but what I was trying to say is you can be heard and validated without being coddled.

You despair over your emotional state but own up to it none the less, I can relate to that. Battling with neurosis is difficult and disheartening. No buts.