Addicted to toxic men? Can't be happy with just one

So at the moment I'm really struggling. I was unofficially diagnosed with BPD at the age of 14 (a psych mentioned it to my family just casually, no one told me for years) and was officially diagnosed at 19. All of my relationships with men have always been toxic. My first ever proper boyfriend was emotionally abusive, would regularly tell me how fat and worthless I was (he once told me to get ready because he was taking me out for dinner, and then when he got to my house he said he had lied he just couldn't stand seeing my hideous face without make up on) and I stayed with him for three years. After I ended that relationship I moved 100km away from all of my friends and family and started sleeping with everything that moved. I became insanely attached to this one guy (let's call him N) that I knew was moving interstate, had just gotten out of a toxic relationship himself, was quite a large drug user and was incredibly emotionally manipulative (he once answered the phone while having sex with someone else just so I knew he was with another girl). After my friends intervened and told N I was too emotionally fragile for his mind games and he called it off I overdosed. I ended up continuing to stay in contact with this person for over a year after he called it off, all while still sleeping with any guy that would look at me for long enough.

When I was 15, I met a guy (let's call him J). He was a few years older than me but instantly I was obsessed. Our friendship formed very quickly and intensely and I wanted nothing more than for him to love me. Our friendship started off with a mutual sexual attraction but we understood each other, my mother passed away when I was young and his mother has also passed away and he just got me. I grew up in this tiny little country town surrounded by rich kids with perfect lives and I was always the weird girl that was in and out of psych wards and was raised by her grandparents and was abused at home and had no one, and finally I had found someone who had gotten it. J got me, but over time I would realize J's problems ran too deep for him to ever give me what I needed emotionally, we could never be more than just friends. He wasn't capable of the emotional stability and commitment I so desperately craved from men. So we remained friends and I continued to seek attention from any guy within a 30km radius. My first ever serious boyfriend got jealous of my connection with J and made me cut off all contact with him. It absolutely gutted me not having J in my life, it felt like a part of me had died and I missed him for the whole three years that I was with my abusive ex boyfriend. When I finally ended that relationship, I got back in contact with J. He was hurt for me abandoning him years earlier and it took months to get him to trust me again, but he re-built me. I had no self-esteem when I left my first boyfriend and moved away and J fixed that. He made me whole again. The problem with J was and still is our intense sexual chemistry. When we first re-connected, he had a girlfriend that I was not very fond of and that he had told me he wanted to break up with, so of course I did everything in my power to be to most tempting, desirable mistress I could be and ruin his relationship for my own validation and to feel wanted. J eventually broke up with his girlfriend, we slept together once, but I had just met a really great guy who was really serious about me and J was still too emotionally unavailable (he's diagnosed with Bipolar but I can definitely see some BPD traits) so I settled for just being friends with J and seeing where things went with this new, great, emotionally stable guy.

I currently have an absolutely amazing boyfriend that I've been seeing for about a year, and yes it is that great emotionally stable guy that I stopped sleeping with J for. He is kind, and understanding, and intelligent, and he is so supportive of my mental health and takes care of me so well. I well and truly love him and see a future with him. But I can't stop craving attention from these toxic men. I stayed friends with J and would speak to him on a nearly daily basis, constantly flirting and sending suggestive photos and nearly every time I got drunk I would message him and ask if he was in love with me. My current boyfriend was very understanding of my friendship with J, he knew we had been through a lot together, but there was an incident when my boyfriend saw some messages that I had been sending to J (my boyfriend doesn't go through my phone regularly, I had taken off in a very suicidal state and I had said I was going to the chemist but he didn't believe me and was looking through my phone for clues as to where I had gone, he has done this before and it turned out I was in hospital and the police had to get involved - he only does it when I'm in a suicidal state, it's not a trust thing) that were of a sexual/flirty nature and he was not impressed. He threw all my stuff on the lawn and said I had a choice, I either fully commit to this relationship and cut J out of my life or I leave because it wasn't fair of me to basically emotionally cheat on him. I completely understood his anger, and I freaked out at the idea of losing my perfect boyfriend and having nowhere to live so I told J we couldn't speak anymore because my boyfriend saw our messages and was making me choose.
A few days after this occurred, because I swear toxic men have a radar, after months of no contact N started messaging me in the middle of the night asking why I hadn't been talking to him. I said to him because I was happy without him and he didn't have a place in my life anymore and he just got all up in my head about how my relationship won't last because I'm too mentally unwell and my boyfriend's clearly way too over protective and I'm not the kind of girl that can settle down and that it'll be another three months and I'll be begging for him to show me attention again. I told my boyfriend about this conversation and he said N was toxic and I should block him.


So in summary, my current boyfriend made me cut off contact with both N and J and it's driving me nuts. I feel like part of me is missing, particularly in relation to J. What's wrong with me? I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me and thinks I'm gorgeous and wonderful and tells me so everyday, but it just isn't enough. I need the validation from other guys. I finally have a stable relationship, so why cant I be satisfied with it? N and J were both toxic, J was constantly bringing up our sexual past and saying I had changed and wasn't being true to myself and that I needed to be single and be the real me again, and N was just manipulative and toyed with me for fun. So why can't I let them go? It's currently 1AM and I'm hoping and praying N will find a way to contact me in some way, shape or form, for no real reason other than to feel good that it's been years and he still thinks about me.

For the first few weeks after getting rid of J I cried daily, I honestly felt like I was going through a break up. The guilt of abandoning him killed me, I just kept thinking how heartbroken I would be if the situation was reversed and he had cut me out of his life.

My boyfriend doesn't know about this but I contacted J and explained how sorry I was for abandoning him and how I thought I'd made the wrong choice and that I couldn't live without him in my life. J said he was sick of me and the rash decisions I make in my life, he said I was selfish, the only person I ever care about is myself. and that he had never felt more used by anyone than he had by me. He said he felt nothing towards the situation, I had numbed him. He just wanted me to go away.
It was upsetting at first but it gave me a little bit of closure, I felt like maybe things were finally done the way they were supposed to be, but I still can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about the fact that if things work out in the long run with my current boyfriend, I will never have J in my life ever again. I'm miserable. I'm terrified that I will never be able to feel truly satisfied and validated with just one man and will constantly crave the attention of others. Will I ever get to be happy? Am I doomed to just dwell on the toxic men of my past and wish they were still in my life? Will I just find more men to fill the void in my life, all the while damaging and sabotaging my perfectly healthy and functioning relationship?

Nothing is perfect. Nobody has the "perfect relationship". Nobody is all good and all evil either. Especially by seeing yourself as weak you will end up weak and a victim of your own emotional rollercoaster. Try working on your fears and your NEEDS to constantly fill the hole in your soul with attention you gain from other mates. How to do? Therapy and self discipline. The world is what we think of it. If we think we need others attention, then we truly want other peoples validation. If we think and feel being trustworthy we react trustworthy. Be more positive in life rather than needing people giving you positive energy from outside.

You can learn how to channel your own energy and use it like an adult by becoming more one with your feelings. Relationships are a full time job not full time fun. Before entering any relationship that starts with fun you should know that there will come the time of working. Cutting off your ex boyfriends is a good way to move on and especially if you have a boyfriend that treats you well. If you want to be treated bad because you are addicted to the drama then you should work resolving the drama addiction issue first. It appears to me that you constantly need the action, but life indeed is not an action movie.

Sorry that I can't give you the manual how to remove your disturbing urges to cheat and destroy but you will find a way, I am sure and if not there is professional help.

If you want my honest opinion, you won't like it, but it looks like your current boyfriend will be the worst of all for you. I agree that "toxicity" is rampant through this story but the sad truth is the worst poison of all is the one whose influence you are currently under.

It just reminds me a lot of my ex, and how our relationship started, and unfortunately, how it ended. Now that he has been rewarded for violating your privacy, do you think he will stop? Now that he has successfully severed your past, do you think he won't dig deeper and look for more reasons to control you ?

Just know that Mr? Perfect's current behaviour strongly resembles narcissism, in my humble opinion.

Throwing your stuff on the lawn and humiliating you by demanding deference to his will is abusive. It sends a clear message that you are not afforded the right to have privacy or the opportunity to resolve your issues.

Note (important) this is different from being hurt by emotional betrayal. A psychologically mature response would be to patiently tell you that he feels betrayed by your behaviour and it crosses his personal boundaries of things he won't accept in a relationship. The onus is now on you to solve the problem on your own accord, and hope he accepts it and moves on, and moves forward.

If I am right however, mark my words HE WILL NEVER MOVE ON.

The fact that he demanded you cut contact and, that he humiliated you, is a clear sign of RAGE in response to INJURY. He will hold this grudge forever now because it gives him control over you and every time he revisits the incident he will re-experience the same injury again and again and punish you for it repeatedly. If you feel INTENSE guilt it's because he has emotionally manipulated you by acting HURT, especially if it's over a prolonged period of time. Psychologically healthy people can COPE with bruises to their ego but narcissists can NOT.

Or not... I dunno.

Joltaire, you are painting that man black right now. If he indeed wants a commited relationship with her it is his right to demand exclusive commitment to him and only him. Telling her what to do is anything but brutal. Ask yourself. If your partner didn't want to commit the way you want it, would you gaslight the partner into making him or her believe he or she is a dangerous narcissism case? I don't think so.

Try being empathic towards both humans here and give atleast a decent answer where it does not sound "OMG HE/SHE IS TAKING CHARGE IN THE RELATIONSHIP LEAVE FAST OR YOU WILL GET HURT" which brings up another point about you, were you hurt by an N in your past? It really seems like you have prejudices against men who want to take the charge in a relationship which sometimes isn't that bad considering lack of rationality and emotional immaturity some females really do have.

Breaking Good wrote:Joltaire, you are painting that man black right now. If he indeed wants a commited relationship with her it is his right to demand exclusive commitment to him and only him. Telling her what to do is anything but brutal. Ask yourself. If your partner didn't want to commit the way you want it, would you gaslight the partner into making him or her believe he or she is a dangerous narcissism case? I don't think so.

Try being empathic towards both humans here and give atleast a decent answer where it does not sound "OMG HE/SHE IS TAKING CHARGE IN THE RELATIONSHIP LEAVE FAST OR YOU WILL GET HURT" which brings up another point about you, were you hurt by an N in your past? It really seems like you have prejudices against men who want to take the charge in a relationship which sometimes isn't that bad considering lack of rationality and emotional immaturity some females really do have.

Oh no i am an abusive and narcisstic male who has acted exactly like mr. Perfect in almost every way.

I don't deny I'm painting him black
And I said, tactfully, that it is indeed his right (didn't I?). I did. I said his methods were abusive and that there was a better way to go about communicating that doesn't involve HUMILIATION but he also has the right to LEAVE if he feels betrayed. That's a far stretch from (omg he's taking charge leave now) isn't it? It is. You put those words in my mouth.

Destroying your past is step 1. Next comes the future.

Yeah when I said it reminds me of my last relationship I could have clarified that I was the one going through the phone and demanding she cut contact, without ANY regard for her feelings about the subject.

It isn't gas lighting to say throwing your stuff on the lawn is abusive, and that it resembles injury/rage patterns. the op is entitled to have a past and to have unresolved feelings which SHE NEEDS TO WORK OUT.

If he forces her to suppress these emotions she could enter a dissociative state.

It's actually not uncommon to throw someone's $#%^ out on the lawn when you find out they are cheating. You cannot expect your partner to be completely rational if you are emotionally cheating with TWO other people.

Throwing her $#%^ out most likely wasn't an attempt at manipulation. It was saying "Get the hell out of my life. I can't believe you hurt me like this."

When people are hurt, they are often impulsive. This goes even for nons.

Expecting you to cut off contact with the person you cheated with is normal and healthy. Continuing talking to the person you cheated with is actually really messed up. You are using your partner and expect them to remain completely monogamous.

Actually, cutting off contact is a VERY minimal expectation. EXTREMELY minimal. Her partner is entitled to express their feelings too. Never getting over it? People take time to heal. If he's still upset YEARS later, that's one thing. But being upset for weeks and months? This is a serious breach of trust and again, it's completely normal. This doesn't mean her partner won't ever get over it and yes, he is going to remember it and always be hurt. That hurt will either lessen over time or he will leave.

It's your responsibility to own up and feel the guilt you feel. I won't say you should leave him, though. The first thing you should do is have complete communication. Are you sure you want a monogamous relationship? Be honest with yourself and your lover.

Yeah, you could be right. I may be looking at it with prejudice.

I've come to disavow intensely dramatic gestures such as that as part of my strategy of finding peace and calm and showing respect to people who anger me. I personally feel in this case and every case that such a gesture is either an attempt to establish dominance in a relationship and punish the other person, or to end it permanently.

Given that he had a motive (having her cut contact) he went through manipulative and outrageous means to achieve it. But again, you may be right. Maybe it's normal and okay to treat people like that, because they wronged you oh heaven forbid.

Were his motive had truly been to end it, then his gesture may have been more appropriate as it is not overkill or a tactic he implements to achieve an alternative target in a roundabout way.

When you love someone and they hurt you like that, you do silly things. We all know it's very hard for a person with BPD and their partner to suddenly cut off contact (well, usually).

"because they wronged you oh heaven forbid"

This is just completely invalidating and not helpful. When someone does this to another person, especially if you have BPD, the partner feels completely broken. Our relationships with others are intense and guess what? If you cheat, you get to feel guilt. Throwing her $#%^ out on the lawn compared to her cheating?

I feel for both parties, but telling this person these things is only encouraging her to paint him as the bad guy when a lot of people would have (understandably) dumped her.

He didn't hit her, call her names, or anything else. Many nons TRY to leave, but then they want to reconcile DESPITE our hurtful behaviors. Her partner deserves respect and the OP feels appropriate guilt and empathy for him. Actions have consequences.

She states this: "I'm terrified that I will never be able to feel truly satisfied and validated with just one man and will constantly crave the attention of others."

There are a few options. Either she can go into therapy, dump him, try to have an open relationship (not likely given his reaction), or continue to cheat. The last one is not healthy and her partner does not deserve that. This is more than just a little fight. This is almost a year-long relationship.

If she truly wants to change, taking responsibility is very, very important. Ultimatums rarely work, though. In reality, her partner wants her to change, and she most likely won't be able to. They now are both hurt and trust is broken.