introduction/it feels somewhat good to know you're not alone

Hi.
An introduction and some informational flashback is required to get up to date and today's problems.
I'm little suitecase. I've been married to my owner for a litle more than 14 years. I love him dearly, despise him the most at times (even more than I despise myself) but never the less, he is the only person in the world who knows me and loves me for what I am (at least that's what he keeps telling me).
I was diagnosed with BPD some years ago in a period I considered the darkest of my life that kinda ended with me attempting to swallow a little more pills that I could handle and ended up in hospital. Since then my owner made me swear to 2 major rules I was to follow to avoid the apocalypse :
1) Never again do attemp to do that
2) Never again self harm

Years pasted and I was true to my promise. I quit all pills, never visited a shrink again (owner was and still is on denial, saying it's all in my head) and was fairly stable, even happy at times. Harder times came, He lost his job, he battled depresion (and propably still is) and i had to get myself together and try to work for the first time( shrink hadn't confirmed it that day but Avoidant and dependant are sure in the mix). I survived. That period ended too. Harder times still came. Loved ones suffered and died, things are hard and keep getting harder for me and my familly but we keep surviving.
I should state that I come from one of the economic crisis troubled south european countries, we have no health care for the past 4 years, no stable work and our parents suport us, piles and piles of bills are kept raising our debt amount and future is still bleak. I kept true to my promise. I pilled and pilled my desperation and depression, crying silently and secretly, not to burden him, because he had been through a lot, but kept true to my promise. Untill finally at some point around christmas I exploded and keep exploding ever since.
[possible triger alert]
I amaze and scare myself every day since. The amount of rage and hatred for him. The things I did and said to hurt him. I broke rule number 2 and threatened to break 1 multiple times per day. I became very creative on breaking rule 2 because i knew how much it hurt him and i wanted to hurt him. I became violent towards him. I pretty much blackmailed him to leave me so that I could break rule 1 without guilt. Of course I would feal guilty and beg him to stay the next moment. I still today try my best to make him leave me i think. Don't know why. Well i kinda do know.
Around 6 weeks ago I almost made it true. He had a heart attack. He was lying at the bed in my hands, trying to keep it a secret that he was in pain, to shield me from pain and when things became too much he told me "no matter what happens you should know that I'll always love you". At that point i knew something was seriously wrong. He took some strength and drove us to the hospital. Things were very bad and he nearly died and was brought back 4 times that night. I faced my worst fear. Losing him. Keep going on alone, without him. Thankfully that didn't happen.A few days later he came home from the hospital and I was so grateful, happy and bright. i thought I had a second chance again to make things right.
[possible triger alert end]
So how do you guys do it? How do you live with yourselves? How do you deal with yourselves? How do you manage to function properly because I can't right now, one moment I'm raging, pushing him away, trying to make him leave me and the next I drive him crazy by checking his used toilet paper for signs of blood, trying 24/7 to be with him to make sure that he won't leave me alone in this world, suffocating him, while begging for forgivness. I have no economical means to therapy or meds, I have no economical means to even feed my family properly. I don't ask for a diagnose or therapy. I just ask how you deal with this. A few tips and tricks from own expirience to pick so that i can try to become functional again and possibly not a widow and ultimately sentence my kids in a life without parents.

Hi littlesuitcase and welcome to the forum

Thank you for the introduction.

Yes, it is a daily struggle living with BPD. But not impossible to be functional and happy.

Hello littlesuitcase, it's good you are here. I love your username! Look around at some of the posts here, you may find some answers and some different perspectives on BPD. It is good to have you, welcome!