New to the forum. Hello all.

Good day to everyone,

I am new to this forum, but not to BPD. I am 46 male and have had BPD since my teens, although I have just recently figured out it was BPD.

I am very recently divorced, which my wife instigated. We have been together for 25 years, married 22.

The divorce has exemplified my BPD and finding out that she went to another man and became intimate right away, pushed me over the top.
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My main BPD traits are:

A very hard time controlling my emotions, many times I feel ruled by them.

My shifts in moods lasting only a few hours, from very high to very low.

My anger can be intense or uncontrollable.

Very controlling, including suicidal threats.

Compulsive sexual behavior, in the aspect of online pornography addiction.

Depression

Lack of Identity, self-image, and friendships. I don’t know who I am and try to be what I think other people want me to be. I have a hard time figuring out my personality

I have feelings of emptiness, like having a deep whole inside me. An emptiness that I try to fill, but nothing works.

Fear of real or imagined abandonment. I push people away and when they start to move away I become frantic to hold onto them.

All or nothing thinking, all good or all bad.

Huge issue of trusting others, jealousy.

Very worried about criticism or rejection and take them personally.

Feeling of needing someone else to survive, huge need for affection and reassurance.
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My childhood was being raised a single child with a mother who most likely had BPD. She was very unpredictable, verbally and emotionally abusive, no structure or learned life skills growing up.
There was some sexual abuse I am currently working on figuring out. My memory is almost non excitant from my childhood.

I lost my self-worth and confidence by my early teens.
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As an adult I was verbally abusive and emotionally abusive and absent from my marriage.
I did not and do not have friends, I am very secluded and relied on my wife for everything.

I have two daughters, 17 and 19. The older is doing amazing and very well adjusted, the younger has BPD like her Dad.

Although I was a horrible husband, I can only be selfish and focus on my hurt as she jumped into bed with another man. Part of BPD I guess, only worried about what or how things affect me.

OK.
A little positive.

I have been seeing therapist for years and just going and talking and no action. They also were not trained for BPD.

I have recently changed therapist, it’s a group of therapist that you can work with several depending on what you need.

I am seeing therapist number one in a DBT class and one on one to work through that aspect of therapy.

I am seeing therapist number two, who I finally see as a perfect fit. For EMDR and one on one for working with my past and EMDR issues. With very, very little memory and not having the ability to visualize with my mind’s eye, I just see black when I close my eyes. It is making the EMDR difficult.

Meds I am taking are:
Lamotrigine (Lamictal)
Prozac
Fish oil (said to help with BPD)

I have yet to see any difference from the Lamotrigine, to help with my mood swings. I was hoping that it would at least take the edge off some so that I could breathe.

The intense highs and lows seeming to come out of nowhere are really, really difficult…

Thanks for reading.
J

Welcome to the forum, i'm pretty new too.

Hope you find it helpful here.

I'm really sorry to hear about your divorce, J. Hopefully, you two can patch things up and get things together again.

I'm glad to hear that you found a therapist who is a good fit with you. Finding one that gels with you is a huge bonus. Mine's going on mat leave very soon, so I'm worried about her replacement and that same problem right now.

I don't know if the meds are actually supposed to control our mood swings, or just curb the extremes of them. As my doctor so eloquently put it when I noted my surprise at the lack of happiness when starting on anti-depressants, their job is solely "to keep [me] off the ledge." The rest is up to us, unfortunately.

Welcome to the forum!

Welcome to the forums. I'm really sorry to hear about your marriage. It must really hurt to feel dependent on someone for so long, to have children with them and then for them to have an affair. I hope you find some closure and healing from that. *hugs*

DBT is supposed to work really well for BPD, so, keep it up!