An Introduction, and a Plea of Sorts

Hi everyone, my name is Smitty. Im a 40 year old man diagnosed with BPD. I've never posted to this board, but really appreciate its existence; I've used it quite often to reference what I'm feeling. For that I thank all of you who contribute.

I'm posting now because I'm experiencing some feelings and don't know how to properly regulate them. I've experienced these thoughts and feelings in the past, just never to this degree. I'm hoping some of the more experienced folks here can provide their outlook and possibly some tools.

My GF and I broke up yesterday. A story everyone here has heard/experienced a thousand times before. I feel like I've lost my identity in that break up. I loved her, but my love doesn't change the fact that we weren't right for each other. The fact that we weren't right for each other somehow doesn't make this any easier, though. I'm feeling very empty right now, like I don't know who I am. I say my name to myself over and over just to remind myself that I exist... it's not helping. The sadness is almost overwhelming. It shouldn't be, it was the right decision, but it is.

I guess my major concern right now is dealing with the emptiness and sadness. I feel like if I can get some tools, something to occupy me for the next few days I'll be okay. Unfortunately, for 40 years I've pretty much just white knuckled my way through my BPD. I have insurance kicking in in about 60 days and plan on starting DBT. Until then, can you suggest a clear plan of action for the next few days?

It's never been this bad before.

P.S. - I feel so weak having to post like this. I feel like I'm complaining to strangers and I shouldn't burden you with this. Writing helps me, though. I already feel a bit better just having written some of this out. Probably sharing too much

Hi!

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I'm not one of the experienced ones so I don't have any actual advice, I just want you to know that you're not alone and I'm so sorry for you. Losing someone you love is the worst, whether or not it's healthy or not. I hope you'll get the advice you need! Big hugs!

I also get confused feelings, especially after a break up, about my own existence and whether I exist at all. I always felt like going out with someone gives me a good chance to confirm my existence because I can always call that person and they would confirm that yes I do exist, I do have past experiences, I have memories, they do have a clear picture of who I am. That is what makes a break-up really difficult for me and makes me more dependent on the other person even if the relationship is not working out.

For me the best strategy to deal with emptiness/ doubts about existence/dependence on the person is to have organized files on the computer which clearly provide facts about my life experiences. These files are photos of me with my friends/ my trips/ etc. My diary entries, any stories that I wrote, interesting email conversations that I had with people - I save them in MS Word. Also all my course notes that I have from university, any projects/papers that I did.

Looking through the files helps me to reduce the feelings of confusion and go back to a more practical/realistic picture of me and things around me. By being able to go though any travel photos that I have, school work, writings, I start to feel a lot more normal - I have photos, so I certainly do exist. I do have photos with friends so even if I am not seeing them at this moment, there are definitely people that I have/ can resume contact with. I completed certain projects/papers - so my mind does exist, etc.
I find that my laptop helps me a lot. Especially that it gives me easy access to forums like this one

Hi Smitty, welcome to the forum.

I'm very sorry to hear about your relationship and that things are so difficult right now. Hugs.

Things can and will get better, and you can get through this- one tiny step at a time. Waiting until insurance kicks in to be able to access help sounds really frustrating. In the meantime, perhaps it's worth checking out something like this DBT self help site http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/index.html , It is an older site, but I've found it has some useful info. Do you have any other support around you at present?

Supertramp wrote:P.S. - I feel so weak having to post like this. I feel like I'm complaining to strangers and I shouldn't burden you with this. Writing helps me, though. I already feel a bit better just having written some of this out. Probably sharing too much

I'm really glad that writing things out helps a bit. You are not weak in seeking out support- I think that's a huge positive that you have, actually. And while we might be strangers, we do understand each other, and you're definitely not being a burden by sharing. It really helps to know you're not alone.