BPD's in relationships - constantly needing reassurance?

I was diagnosed of BPD by 2 different psychiatrists between the ages of 17 and 19.

I have only had 2 boyfriends - one that lasted 3 months but mainly because I kept breaking up with him because I felt he didn't really care about me so he finally pulled the plug and ended it for good.

My present boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months and this relationship is much for fulfilling for me than my previous relationship.

However, even though he calls me everyday, puts in more effort than I do in the relationship (I don't call or initiate any contact with him unless he makes the first move), and checks up to how my eating habits are going (I let him in on knowing about my past eating disorders).

I have tried leaving him several times even though he has never done anything major. I left him mostly out of jealousies over his casual friendships with the opposite sex, that if he doesn't contact me for even 1 day then its a sign that he is slowly losing interest and I start distancing myself and move on.

I got drunk last weekend and tried to persuade him to meet me and my friends for drinks and he politely declined but insisted on me to call him if I really needed him. I started cussing at him through messages and told him to move on from me. A day later he called me acting completely normal, like the message didn't even bother him. I apologized and he said he knew I didn't mean it as I was just drunk.

No matter how he tries to prove himself to me, I constantly need reassurance that he wants to be with me and he truly cares about me. Sometimes after sex I try to leave him which confuses him and makes him ask me what he did wrong.

If I say I love him and he does not say it back, I take it that he doesn't love me and so I get upset with him and try to leave him.

If he talks to a girl even casually, I get upset and try to leave him.

To get revenge on Saturday night for not coming out to see me, I slept with someone. And I did not even feel any guilt.

I know it was wrong; but it does leave me to wonder: is this normal BPD behavior?

Normal is not a fair word, but I'd say everything in your post are behaviors someone would engage in who is burdened by BPD.
There is constant testing of the other person, mistrust and resentment if you are not the sole focus of the other person.

There is the urge to spite and hurt the other person for any slight, real or imagined.

If I may say something from experience ..... your present boyfriend will put up with a lot which will make you test him even more. You will, or probably soon will, manipulate him through guilt, and it will work because he wants to help you (does that sound about right?)

A therapist told me that people often get together subconsciously. Your neediness is matched by his needing to help.

If you are taking this relationship seriously, you should both become as knowledgeable as possible about BPD. It will help you both, especially him.

I relate to a lot of your post Roxanna.

I'm currently in a long distance online relationship and we have never met, but I still worry he is going to suddenly dump me. He needs a lot of reassurance too though, he's the one who is always saying he is afraid I will dump him etc., and that makes me feel a lot better because it makes me feel more secure. It still doesn't take away all my insecurity though. I don't know if he has BPD too, its possible, but I have noticed I get along better in relationships with people who are also BPDish because they need the constant contact and reassurance also and it makes me feel more secure.

As a BPD its just really hard to feel loved and to accept that someone really does love us and care about us and want to be with us. Its hard for me to believe someone could want me. I think that's where the insecurity comes in.

I try to remind myself of the things about myself my boyfriend likes whenever I feel insecure, even though I tend to split myself black and feel worthless, I try to be aware of this problem, and when I feel that way, I tell myself its a faulty way of thinking. I think that helps a little bit.

Your boyfriend sounds really great though. It sounds like he really loves and cares about you and is understanding of the BPD.

Welcome to the forum btw

I feel the same way.

A small event, which other would people would see as insignificant, can trigger a lot of negative emotions and doubt for me. If the person does not call me during the day - even if the day is not over yet - I start to think that they are no longer interested/they changed their mind about me/ they met someone else at work, etc.

I need constant reassurance that the person is still interested, did not meet someone else, etc. I know that my doubt are not logical, it's more like my mind makes up these stories by itself - the person must be not calling you because they are hanging out with someone from work whom they started to like and they'll end up marrying them and having kids .. so it can go really far and has nothing to do with reality. That's what makes it really tiring for me and probably for the other person as well.

Must be something wrong with some connection in the brain - a small event triggers a whole negative sequence of thoughts that a person without the disorder would not have.

The relationships damned over if you cheat on him idgaf if you feel bad or not. You ###$ up for real. I understand how you feel but now you cheated on him, what next?

peaklite I'm sure she already feels bad about it, can we not make her feel worse?

She came here for help and support, not to be shamed. BPD is a disorder and its not uncommon to behave the way she did. It can be a symptom of the disorder. I'm sure she already feels horrible and guilty about it.

I have cheated in relationships as well and I felt horrible about it afterwards, but I realized it was a negative coping mechanism to deal with the mood instability and the splitting. I have BPD too so I understand where OP is coming from and why its not unusual to do that.

Please refrain from judging people for their symptoms on a support forum. People come here for comfort and support, not to be shamed and judged.

I'm BPD and have the same issues. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 months now and I'm constantly asking him "are you still happy?" "are we doing okay?". I have already explained all that I could about BPD and he's accepted me. We've had a few fights because of my angry outbursts and because of my fear of abandonment (every time he leaves I get paranoid and worry that he won't come back). In the end of all of it, he's actually been pretty supportive even though I know he doesn't really understand what's going on in my head. I told him I can't help it that the thoughts and paranoia are just there and I can't get rid of them. I can either hold them in and then he'll know something is wrong anyway or just come out with it and possibly upset him. I told him when I get like that...like upset when he leaves or when I text him out of nowhere asking if everything between us is good that its NOT him, it's all me. I explained that all I really need is for him to tell me we are fine and that he's not going anywhere. Since then it's been good. I think I got incredibly lucky with him. This happens no less than 3 times a week and he's been amazing with his reassurance and very patient with me.
Jenn

I can relate to most in your OP. We are emotionally needy, hungry if you will, and can get extremely jealous and clingy if we aren't mindful. My husband paid an excessive amount of attention to the cat and I got jealous and I'm still weakening this jealousy after years. I can also relate to the need for constant reassurance. Remember, we fear abandonment, that's the core of BPD.

Radically accept who you are is the first step to healing.