Depth of Emotion, Longevity of Emotion, Abandonment and BPD

I really want to understand this fully...xdude wrote to Gh0stwalker over on the SOF&F forum (the thread was entitled 'Was there love? Or was I just another idealization...'): "Depth of emotions matters of course, and she clearly showed you depth, but when depth of emotion and longevity of emotions are in conflict (and they often are), the irony is that people with BPD may abandon those they care about for someone else who can provide depth in the moment. The irony being that abandonment is a key fear..."

haha maybe I should have asked xdude lol...

Any insights?

That is kinda funny if you think about it. ANNND depending on the BP, can be very freaking true.

The thing is, when the person with BPD does the abandoning, they are in a position of power/making a choice, and it seems there shouldn't be any issues/fear with abandonment. I know it's that way for me.

Not in my case.

I thought BPDs were known for their longevity of emotions. It takes them longer to get over everything. A month long relationship can take 6 months to get over.

I've stayed in bad relationships for years just because I couldn't let go. The depth of emotions is there too of course. I had other opportunities but I found it hard to leave the person I was involved with. I have left people, but its usually a long time after I have realized they were bad for me. It takes me years sometimes to come to terms with the fact that I have to abandon them. Its just as hard for me to abandon others as it is for me to deal with being abandoned myself, I guess because I project onto them how I feel when being abandoned.

I have to say I don't agree with xdude. I've noticed a lot of people have the impression BPDs are fickle and flighty. Maybe some are, but I tend to associate that with another PD. Most BPDs I know take a long time to get over someone once they fall in love, and have a lot of trouble walking away from people and relationships.

This is one reason I'm trying to avoid relationships. It ruins my life for those months and months it takes me to recover from a breakup, even after a short relationship.

I agree with justagirl. I finally just got over someone yesterday that I knew for an extremely short time and it took about 6 months including the time I knew the person. (I started trying to get over it immediately because I could tell it was not a good person to like, and that was so true even more than I knew. ha.) I feel so happy when I finally get over someone.

Also, it is not easier for me to break it off. It triggers my abandonment issue just the same. I need the other person to not let me come back. I guess that is how I break it off. I make the other person do it. There is no other way.

I believe there are different types of BPDs. Some go from person to person I think to get their needs met and it's easy to move on for them. I actually have my suspicions that person I just got over is that kind of BPD. I am certain he is a narc but I think he is both.

Well, I still need to understand it more fully. But I really did appreciate xdude's reply over on the SOF&F forum. The thread was entitled 'Was there love? Or was I just another idealization...?'

angelinbluejeans wrote:'Was there love? Or was I just another idealization...?'

How could we know? It probably feels similar.

What is SOF&F?

Thank you Mary.

Hugs

Angel do you mean you're not sure you understand what xdude is saying?

I think he means that BPDs can have intensity/depth of emotions, but with no lasting power. So they may fall quickly, intensely in love, and then fall out of love just as quickly, and move on to someone else that can give them that quick, intense love fix.

That was how I interpreted what he meant.

Maybe this is true for some, but I don't relate to that, personally.

Mary24 wrote:

angelinbluejeans wrote:'Was there love? Or was I just another idealization...?'

How could we know? It probably feels similar.

What is SOF&F?

Significant Others, Family & Friends Forum

-- Sat Feb 28, 2015 10:03 pm --

justagirl00 wrote:
Angel do you mean you're not sure you understand what xdude is saying?

I believe that xdude definitely knows what he is talking about. My confusion is a result of my own personal experience with a pwbpd and so forth...

I think I've noticed there is a big difference in how pwBPD perceive their relationships and breakups and how the other person sees it.

*TW* I've gathered that many people who have been involved with BPDs walk away feeling somehow victimized or used or discarded. At least people who post here looking for advice and also people I have privately PMed with have had this complaint and unresolved feelings. Probably some of my ex-bfs as well.

xdude seems to confer with this.

This confuses me because I usually feel I have gone out of my way to make the relationships work and the other person was somehow more to blame in the relationship failing. I can see how I was to blame by overreacting to things and being too sensitive. But I can also see how they did not go out of their way to help me. It was a "my way or the highway" type of attitude.

BPD is a personality "disorder" though so its possible some of us are not self-aware enough to see how we are in the wrong.