Romantic Obsessions/Fantasy Relationships

So I posted about this in another topic but wanted to start one here.

Romantic obsession and fantasy relationships, what the heck is it all about? For me it started when I was very young, I would decide I had a crush on an unavailable boy and then try to make him like me (by ignoring him of course) or otherwise and then cry when he didn't seem to like me. My family moved to another state when I was a teenager and I had to leave my first love behind, we didn't get to even kiss at all. For months after the move I missed my friends terribly and pined away for this boy and got depressed. In college this would also happen. I rejected harshly a boy that I was dating and then when he didn't come running back to me I cried and cried over him. Got majorly depressed actually, just couldn't get over him for years.

In the past I think I categorized the people with whom I had relationships as either above me (romantic obsession), below me (current plaything until something better comes along) or my equals (very rare and actually only serious relationship candidates). But even in my "stable" relationships, I grew bored. I felt constrained and shackled and just not really into the person anymore (perhaps once I decided he was "below" me). I would find a fantasy relationship where I would fixate on someone as a crutch to get out of a current relationship or I just hopped from one relationship into the next without so much as looking back (typically relationships that from the get go weren't deemed as "equals") . I tried being single, but even when I wasn't in a relationship per se, I fell in love with someone who was emotionally unavailable (above me) and toyed with me for three years (fantasy relationship).

Since I was a child I was obsessed with the idea of finding "the one". And I have had many serendipitous meetings where it seemed like pure magic how we came together, but I would eventually knock him down off the pedestal and move on, quite harshly at times. Now I have been in a stable relationship for several years. This is my first serious relationship "in recovery". We had some rocky moments but things are good now and guess what, now that there is no drama, all of a sudden I remembered someone I met years ago and my mind keeps going there wondering if maybe THAT person was "the one". Sometimes I feel constrained in my current relationship and sometimes I feel like I would be happy somewhere else. Fantasy life with a fantasy person in fantasy land basically. Rationally I understand that but still, I can't stop thinking about the other person and the "what if" things had worked out. My guess is this has nothing to do with him now but with me hiding from something and using the fantasy of him to cover it up. What's your take/experience with fantasy relationships?

I relate to this. I started having obsessive infatuations very early on. Usually they were out of my league or not available in some way.

Most of my long "stable" relationships have been with guys who were below my league. It made me feel secure and they were more likely to let me abuse them and stay with me because they needed me more than I needed them.

Guys who are out of my league I have trouble keeping them. Either I obsess too much and freak them out, or I just can't feel it because the abandonment anxiety is too strong and interferes with developing feelings for them. Usually I obsess too much though. I need to be able to push against a guy a lot and have him stick around anyways. If a guy has too many other better options, of course he won't stick around then.

There was one guy when we were young he was very in love with me and he was actually out of my league, but very into me for some reason. But I was abusive to him until he began to hate me, and then after that, no matter how hard I tried to patch it up, he rejected me over and over again. It took me awhile to get over that, I really messed it up with a very quality guy.

Now I just let certain guys pursue me and I eat up the attention. Not to sound conceited but for some reason guys like to pursue me, I think they like the innocent naive vulnerability I seem to have. I don't think they are good guys though, I think they probably think I would be easy to exploit in some way. So I'm not that flattered by it, but I eat up the attention while it lasts. I've given up on having any normal relationship.

Hi Justagirl,

Thanks for your reply, it so incredibly validating to hear your perspective because I feel like I am not alone in this. I still have a lot of shame and secrecy about my mental state I guess so this board is incredible in being able to speak the truth.

Can you share with me some of your background? I mean, where does this come from for you?

***Trigger Warning***

Personally, my parents' relationship broke down before I was born and escalated into screaming matches of insults and occasional physical violence while I was a toddler and very small child. I would run and hide and cry and just wish someone would find me and want me. Maybe that's where that comes from, the fantasy of my parents seeing how much pain I am in and to instead turn their hatred into love. Maybe that's where the fantasy of unavailable people becomes so addicting, it's like it's hardwired into me to try to make them want me.

***End of Trigger Warning***

You also mentioned that you gave up on normal relationships? Why is that? Have you ever met someone you considered an equal or do you always have to move them up or down (I am trying to figure this out for myself)?

V8

Hey Violet, no problem! I'm glad it helping. I have found this forum very validating also. I don't know anyone else in real life who acts like me or understands.

*TW*

My parents were split up before I was conceived. I don't think my mom was happy about being pregnant and considered an abortion. I never felt wanted or loved. My father was very cold and emotionally abusive, and at other times he sexually abused me and I was also sexually abused by a few other people, from a very early age. My mom hardly paid any attention to me and of course didn't protect me from abuse. Very neglectful. I'm actually lucky to be alive, I was so neglected I got myself into very dangerous situations sometimes.

I always felt worthless, repulsive, and unloveable as a child. I had extreme anxiety, nightmares, panic attacks, suicidal ideation from early on. I was taken to psych doctors for evals but had trouble trusting any of them so I wouldn't open up. Life just always felt very cold and I always felt scared and anxious and didn't feel like I had anyone I could trust. I developed these intense obsessions/infatuations because I think I thought these people could rescue me.

So I've continued the pattern of my childhood....I get involved with abusive men and I get myself into situations where I can be sexually assaulted and abused. I don't know how to assert my boundaries but when I do its a screaming rage attack. I'm always having some crazy mood swing, anxiety, panic, depression, or the horrible emptiness that feels like my soul is being sucked out of me.

I've given up normal relationships because its so hard for me to trust anyone or believe anyone could love me. I feel so worthless and unloveable, if someone tries to love me, I always push them away. I've given up because I think I'm hurting people, I'm abusing them, and I can't help it.

I hope this helps.

Hugs if wanted

Hey Justagirl,

Reading your post just made cry, not triggered or anything like that but just allowing myself to feel some real compassion for you and then you sent me hugs at the end of your post! Hugs to you (if you want them)! You certainly deserved better than what you got. People out there have no idea what others go through. Thank you for your honesty, I am rooting for your recovery. You must be such a strong woman to survive all this, I really hope something super awesome and amazing happens for you.

V8

Thank you Violet!

Your compassion means a lot to me!

It sounds like you have had a really difficult life also. Lots of us can really relate to each other on this forum. And its very validating to know others have had similar experiences and we all care about each other and support each other.

Thank you for saying I'm strong. We are all strong, much stronger than we realize.

Hugs

I experience this all the time, have since childhood. I can also relate to your classification of partners, it seems very familiar although I have not defined it with words. I would normally pick a guy who would inspire me with some trait of his, I never was one to go so much for looks, it had to be something more - usually intellect, high intelligence etc. But they would mostly be older than me and unavailable in one form or another - married, or in some position that would make any relationship with them inappropriate. I would then fantasize about various scenarios how such liaison could occur and I would then try and realize these scenarios in real life. When I did not manage it, I would then become depressed. On the other hand, when they did happen it made me feel greatly elated and filled with a sense of achievement, as ridiculous as it sounds but it is the truth.
I also have the ones in the category 'below me' to sort of occupy me when I am bored and dont have a more interesting object on the horizon.
And then is also the equal ones, which as in your case, is very rare. The one who I met I have been in a long term relationship for many years and it has been good. He was able to withstand my initial period of severe pushing him away and he stood by me anyway. But same as you I often find that I feel restricted, shackled, bored. I feel my mind atrophies in the absence of my fantasy obsessions. So I still indulge in those fantasies, because it gets me through the day and it makes the day a bit more exciting for me, and if I have any indication from the object of my fantasy that they are similarly inclined, it makes me feel like I am walking on clouds and that feeling is just priceless!

I am in a relationship with the best guy i ever met.
But right now iam obsessed with my student mentor.
I hate it but i know it will pass.

He said something today which made me really insecure when i thought about it.
And i wont be able to talk to him in the next couple of days.

Iam so alone.

And thank you cause iam finally crying.
And iam so mad but iam never mad.

Hi Amengen,

Talk about your obsession! Especially if you have a therapist or even with a person on this forum. I had exchanged some private messages with another person on this forum about our obsessions and I noticed that after 2 weeks or so we were both relieved. We stopped talking about this, because the obsession was lifted. For me personally it was like coming out of a fog, I realized I was using this obsession instead of addressing some things in my relationship. Even relationships with the most amazing people require tweaking. So talk about your obsession and then talk about what you have been ignoring in your relationship! Just because there are issues, doesn't mean it's all bad. It simply means, that it is real!

Good luck!

I can completely identify with this. I have some issues with my fiancée but what is worse is that I am continually obsessing over women I work with. I feel like I can't help it. I love my fiancée, but I am totally in lust with these other women. It's certainly hard to try and change this but I am trying.