Could a borderline sufferer please sort my head out?

Hi guys, I have recently come out of a 2 year relationship with a girl who has has one of the most horrific up bringing, she was strangled by her own mother, was put into foster care and was dumped on someone's door step the day she was born. Her dad abandoned her and her mother is now a heroin addict. Her mother has Bi Polar and my ex carry's all the traits of BPD . I have educated myself on this subject to help me heal, i understand the devalue process and the push/pull behaviour. What i am struggling with is that, she broke up with me, and for about 2 weeks i was getting the the i love you, hate you treatment. She demanded I met her to get my stuff back, so i could see the pain I had apparently caused. She was saying things like you look hot, if i wasnt on my peroid id so ___ you right now. (sorry guys) She gave me a hickey, told me how much she loved me and wouldn't stop kissing me. I then told her I had things to do back at home and would text her. She then burst into tears and was like leave me alone i need my space. She then kissed me and text me an hour later saying thank you for an amazing day Jammo I love you. During this period she would push/pull ignore my texts, then ring me 2/3 days later saying she missed me. A week went by and these mind games destroyed me, she kept liking this guys pictures on FB, so i called her up and said im done i cant play these games with you any more. She then said ok Jammo, then told me that her 3 year old daughter was asking for me and that she misses me. I replied by saying tell her i miss her to. Her 6 year old son was then asking her whos on the phone mummy? and she replied by saying Jammo darling, he then said but Jammo makes you cry, she then replied saying you know mummy loves Jammo, my house my rules. We then had a little convo about the kids and then she said ok i gtg now cooking the kids tea. The very next day, I go on FB and the guy i went mad at her for liking his pictures slept at her house the next night, then 2 days later was in a relationship with him. I understand abandonment fears are worse than death itself, but why did she move on so fast? and why did she act so normal and loving towards me? she wasnt distant or cold.

2 weeks of NC then went by and she realised she had more of my stuff to give me, so we set a destination to meet, I met up with her and she was saying things like hey Jammo hows your family? hope your all doing ok. She then said btw (her) daughter was asking for you the other day and i told her Jammo is naughty. She then said that her and the kids were looking at old pictures of me and her in her photo album (She has a bf) she then went onto say, I still go on your FB, I know what your up to (Even though shes blocked me on it) she then went from being lovely to being horrible saying things like, now you have your stuff back you have no reason to ever contact me again, that means, by text, phone, fb and email. She said all this with a massive grin on her face, throughout the whole ordeal i smiled at her and never lost eye contact, she would tell i wasnt being affected. The last thing she said was, im bored of talking to you now im hungry, I then laughed and said ok bye now go get some food and walked off. She has blocked me from all forms of communication apart from Gmail. Why has she done this? as im the only ex shes ever blocked out of her life. I havent tried contacting her, but i feel so confused,could you guys please help me understand what went on?

she obsessively begged me for a 3rd child and I said now is not the right time, and because of this she made up she was pregnant, then told me i killed our baby because I made her have an abortion (Which was all a lie) there was no baby because she was on the coil so im guessing the fake abortion was a fake reason or excuse to discard me. She cried day and night obsessing over having a baby with me, 3 months after telling me how much she wants OUR baby shes now pregnant with my replacement.

I have 4 months NC (due to being blocked) but 10 days ago my number was unblocked and she attempted to call me on Face time which I did not reply to, now my numbers been instantly blocked again why? what is going on in her head?

This goes beyond a PD. Is she on drugs?
My guess is you didnt make her feel good overall during the relationship, there is probably nothing you could have done.

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Being someone who is diagnosed with BPD, I feel like I could help you. Please note that my thoughts are based off of my own personal experiences, which may or may not apply to your ex and all of my predictions of what caused her to do all of these things are based off of if she actually does have this disorder. She may not have this disorder and all of the things I'm guessing may not be true.

She moved on so quickly because the emotional pain after the breakup was too much for her to handle. She thought that she could get rid of the pain she was feeling by distracting herself. This is a way of coping, which I have also done many times in my past. Getting a new boyfriend, moving, partying, etc are some of the many different ways that seem to be most effective when trying to distract someone's thoughts.

She acted normal and loving towards you when she saw you because she didn't want to make you think she was affected by the breakup. "Fake it until you make it" is an excellent quote to describe this situation. She chose to act like that because she thought that if she pretended to feel a certain way that eventually she would actually start to feel that way. She most likely knows that the breakup upset her massively, but she doesn't want to let herself accept it because it hurts too much. She also may have wanted to hurt you, making you think she didn't care and was perfectly fine even after all of the events that had occurred because she was the one who ended the relationship. She also may have thought that acting like this will make her get your attention.

People with BPD experience emotions intensely. This basically means that she will overreact every emotion she feels. When she feels even the slightest bit of happiness, she is 'I just won the lottery' happy. When she feels even the slightest bit of anger, she is 'I just found out my best friend slept with my current lover' angry. When she feels even the slightest bit of sadness, she is 'this is the end of the world' sad. Do you understand what I'm saying? The breakup most likely affected her so massively and she is only acting the way she is because it's her way of coping.

Another symptom of BPD is having low self esteem. She may think that she is not good enough for you and she may also think that you deserve better. Reassurance is the key to making me stay sane in a relationship, but I absolutely hate asking for it because it makes me feel attention-seeking. I would let my self esteem kill me because I never wanted to ask for reassurance every time I needed it, which was constantly. No matter how many times someone will reassure them, people with BPD have a very difficult time actually accepting whatever is being told to them because of how low their self esteem truly is. If a day went by where my boyfriend wouldn't tell me something reassuring to me like "Baby, I wanna see you" or "I miss you so much", I would immediately start to believe that I did something wrong or he didn't feel the same or he was going to leave me. It drove me crazy, and it still does.

Impulsive actions are another trait of BPD. She may have FaceTimed you because she could have been missing you more on that particular day and she didn't give it any type of second thought. She probably immediately regretted it because she felt vulnerable, which is why she blocked you again. She thinks that cutting off all communication and association with you will help her ignore the intense feelings. Also, getting a new boyfriend or any other distraction can be an impulsive decision. In the moment, I will be all over the idea of whatever impulsive action I am taking part in. Being impulsive helps me forget all of my struggles and feelings and worries and makes me feel like I'm on top of the world, which I'm guessing is the same for her, which is why we do it. Risky behaviors are extremely distracting, which is what I like to look for when I'm upset. Please know that she has been more upset or emotionally damaged after the breakup which is causing her to participate more in these impulsive actions.

It seems like she thinks she knows what she is doing and what she is going to do, but she really doesn't know what's happening or what she is really doing at all. She seems unknowingly lost.

Whenever I was in a similar position to your ex, I thought that everything I was doing was right and that it was helping me, but it was only making my emotions worse. I would take part in some really stupid things because I wanted to forget about what had happened in my past. I remember I dated someone I didn't even like after I had broken up with a guy I was truly in love with. I only did it because I thought it would make me feel better and that I absolutely needed to get my mind off of my ex. I ended up regretting everything later on, which made me act even crazier because I felt I had nothing going for me. I felt nothing. I was careless. I didn't give a f'ck about anything or anyone or myself or what I was doing and who I was hurting or anything. I didn't feel real because every emotion that I was feeling was so strong. Whenever I was hurt, it was unbearable and I wanted to ignore it as much as I could. Whenever I was happy, I wanted to keep it going for as long as I could. I was desperate to feel happy because whenever you experience happiness when you have BPD, you get off on it. It's like having your best orgasm and winning millions of dollars all at once. And honestly, who doesn't want to feel like that all of the time? I did similar things like your ex. I would call my ex and tell him I missed him but then I would automatically regret it and tell him I actually hated him and never wanted to see him again because I felt vulnerable and weak when I confessed what I truly felt. Feeling vulnerable and weak definitely affects my self esteem because I like to be viewed as a strong person. I thought that cutting him off even when I missed him and still wanted him would turn me into this person that I wanted to be.

Coming from a female with BPD, I hope this may have helped you understand.

Thank you so much for sharing that, chanelbaby. It certainly took a lot of vulnerability on your part to reveal so much of your own experiences to help the OP cope.

If I may, I’d like to take a moment to embellish those very real struggles with a couple of my own lessons and experiences that I’ve learned through recovery. I do this because there is hope for people suffering from BPD to recover, so hopefully my experiences and lessons can be a little bit of a source of inspiration (I have a younger sister so it’s in my nature to be big-sisterly).

BPD recovery certainly takes a lot of work challenging and changing our beliefs about ourselves and other people. And all of that is in addition to the very hard work of learning how to sooth ourselves when feeling flooded by intense emotions.

I totally get what you’re saying about distracting yourself from the intense pain felt. I’ve done it. I totally have my regrets. But that’s a part of learning, so we have to be easy on ourselves.

One thing that has helped me to control my impulsivity is to think of impulsiveness as a really hard street drug (and I have generally avoided using illegal drugs in my life so this example works for me). Having a new boyfriend as a distraction from the pain you’re feeling from a really tough breakup is exactly like using crack cocaine or heroine. They accomplish exactly the same goal: escape. But, you know, when you look around at the people in this world who are doing all of the things they can from escaping their pain instead of facing it and walking into it, they only end up destroying themselves and their dreams of a peaceful, happy existence. It takes strength and courage to choose the healthier, but more painful paths in life - but the rewards are so worth it!

Things to share regarding strength and vulnerability.

First, vulnerability. I’ve come to learn that vulnerability, as totally intense as it is, is actually the source of happiness in my life. Vulnerability is the good stuff. Because when I’m vulnerable with someone who respects that vulnerability, who’s been there before himself, and who I know cares deeply about me… when I’m so incredibly vulnerable and he wraps that vulnerability so sweetly and tenderly in his arms and I finally just let go… it’s in that moment that I actually experienced the warm, gooey, tender moments. That’s the moment I actually experienced True Love. When I built your relationship on a foundation of honesty (which takes a ton of strength) and on top of it a strong sense of trust (which takes a ton of courage!), then I could feel a little more safe about being vulnerable.

Being vulnerable with somebody and then slowly feeling safe in that vulnerability is one of the most rewarding experiences life has to offer. I just had to stop running from it.

Now, strength.

I remember the feeling of wanting to be seen as a strong person by taking actions that hurt other people. It took a while to untangle that knot in my mind. Here’s how it worked.

I had to sort out who I was trying to impress with my desire of being a “strong woman”. Was I trying to impress my friends or myself? It was both.

If I wanted my friends to view me as being a strong person, and I sacrificed my own desires for it, well then it was very much coming from a place of people-pleasing and also it’s basically saying that my friend’s perceptions of me (or how I think they would perceive me) are more important than what I want and desire in my life. Generally friends are supportive of anything you choose to do, and those who aren’t supportive of your decisions, well, aren’t very good friends.

If I wanted to have self-respect for considering myself to be a strong person then I needed to evaluate what it actually means to be a strong person. By putting myself through totally unnecessary obstacles to “prove” to myself how much of a strong person I was didn’t accomplish a thing. In fact it only did more unnecessary destruction of myself and also the very good things in my life. Because it’s the wrong kind of “strength”.

I came to understand that being a strong person is about letting myself be vulnerable despite the nearly unbearable fear of what bad things might happen. A strong person is someone who can start a new relationship after being totally burned one or more times in previous relationships, and still be willing to be vulnerable again - despite exactly how much residual fear there is associated with it.

A strong person is about taking responsibility for my life and also for all of the ways I’ve hurt people by giving them a heart-felt apology and doing my very best to change the ways I’ve treated them. Being a strong person is being able to tell my partner, or my friends, or my family that I have not told the entire truth about things or manipulated the facts or whatever and that I did it unfairly for my own gain but that I didn’t want to be the kind of person anymore (and I’ve had plenty of those discussions in the past).

I decided that a strong person is about being someone who can say “I screwed up and want to set things straight. These are the ways I screwed up and these are the consequences that resulted in what I’ve done. I apologize and I promise to try my best to do better next time. Will you forgive me?”

I learned that being “strong” was about doing the loving things despite the unfair circumstances, about taking the high road, about truly forgiving, about sometimes being my partner’s anchor in life too, about respecting my partner’s vulnerability. A strong person is trying your best to continue to be a loving, giving, and considerate person regardless of the circumstances or how you feel in the moment.

So these are a few lessons I’ve learned that I thought I’d pass along. We’re all on our own journey, but sometimes other’s experiences can be blazes on the trail.

And hopefully this gives the OP a better sense of what recovery looks like and how much time, energy, and work it is to look deep within ourselves and pull the messy pieces apart to replace the broken bits.

All my love,
aa

I cant thank you to enough for your replies, I have been on BPD Family for the past 6 months trying to put all the pieces to the puzzle together, as a means of self closure and Chanel, your response has been the most powerful and uplifting responses ive had, you are amazing!! I knew and educated myself about the traits of BPD, but your response as a BPD sufferer yourself has let me read between the lines. You dont know how happy I feel right now you have cleared my head because from what I red from your response is bang on! For example, she used to say I feel like a piece of $#%^ next to you (low self esteem) she drank for 2 weeks straight after she broke up with me cried every single day, and even said I love you, but when ever I hear your voice I hate you, I hate you for making me feel like this. Furthermore, the blocking and cutting me out of her life left my head spinning because I was a great BF to her, I payed for everything, put a lot of emotion into her 2 children and brought them nice things like i pads and and trampoline because my ex just couldn't afford it. She even told me Ive never loved anyone as much as you, maybe thats why im the only bf to ever be cut out of her life. Furthermore, when she faked pregnancy, she also told me she felt suicidal and severely depressed and that the Drs wanted her to go on anti depressants. Everything you have said fits my story perfectly, and I cant thank you enough!

May I ask a few more questions if thats possible?

Even though my ex has blocked me on FB, I still look now and again, and what I find incredibly confusing is, they have been together coming up 6 months and not once has she taken or had a picture of those to together. Where as, me and her always had profile pictures together, she just changes her profile picture back to old selfies. She never once told me she had a new bf and she even got the new guy to delete my only mutual friend with him.

Shes tried to call after 4 months on Facetime and blocked me again, I haven't heard anything since (its been 10 days now) do you think she will try and contact me again, and if so, will it become more frequent?

As long as im blocked and cut out of her life, do you think that im very much on her mind?

thank you guys

x

Are you trying to keep in touch or trying to stop the contact?

The contact stopped months ago, my ex of 2 years blocked me, cut me out of her life, replaced me 3 days later (in relationship on Facebook) and fell pregnant with him 2 months in. She recently unblocked me after 4 months NC called me once then blocked my number again. So NC, but she had tried to communicate with me 10 days ago.

I see. I was trying to figure out why you're trying to figure out her next move because you could block her if you didn't want contact. It's hard to predict what she will do next since all BPDs don't act the same.

Jammo1989 wrote:Furthermore, the blocking and cutting me out of her life left my head spinning because I was a great BF to her, I payed for everything, put a lot of emotion into her 2 children and brought them nice things like i pads and and trampoline because my ex just couldn't afford it. She even told me Ive never loved anyone as much as you,

pwBPD will push someone away who treats them that nice, I know women with BPD and they always fall for the guy who is emotionally distant, thats not to say treat them mean but just stand your ground and dont invest too much, once you get close they will rationalise pushing you away any which way they can from your smothering to your too mature to we dont share the same interests, at the end of the day it doesnt matter.

As long as im blocked and cut out of her life, do you think that im very much on her mind?

Seeing as though she ended it with you its pretty certain she has moved on. I think its really unhealthy that you are trying to analyze the whole relationship, I have done it too and you need to know a lot about psychology, just move on and stop dating messed up women, you will NEVER keep them no matter what you do or what you have.
Work on yourself it seems you may have self esteem issues.

Jammo1989 wrote:I cant thank you to enough for your replies, I have been on BPD Family for the past 6 months trying to put all the pieces to the puzzle together, as a means of self closure and Chanel, your response has been the most powerful and uplifting responses ive had, you are amazing!! I knew and educated myself about the traits of BPD, but your response as a BPD sufferer yourself has let me read between the lines. You dont know how happy I feel right now you have cleared my head because from what I red from your response is bang on! For example, she used to say I feel like a piece of $#%^ next to you (low self esteem) she drank for 2 weeks straight after she broke up with me cried every single day, and even said I love you, but when ever I hear your voice I hate you, I hate you for making me feel like this. Furthermore, the blocking and cutting me out of her life left my head spinning because I was a great BF to her, I payed for everything, put a lot of emotion into her 2 children and brought them nice things like i pads and and trampoline because my ex just couldn't afford it. She even told me Ive never loved anyone as much as you, maybe thats why im the only bf to ever be cut out of her life. Furthermore, when she faked pregnancy, she also told me she felt suicidal and severely depressed and that the Drs wanted her to go on anti depressants. Everything you have said fits my story perfectly, and I cant thank you enough!

May I ask a few more questions if thats possible?

Even though my ex has blocked me on FB, I still look now and again, and what I find incredibly confusing is, they have been together coming up 6 months and not once has she taken or had a picture of those to together. Where as, me and her always had profile pictures together, she just changes her profile picture back to old selfies. She never once told me she had a new bf and she even got the new guy to delete my only mutual friend with him.

Shes tried to call after 4 months on Facetime and blocked me again, I haven't heard anything since (its been 10 days now) do you think she will try and contact me again, and if so, will it become more frequent?

As long as im blocked and cut out of her life, do you think that im very much on her mind?

thank you guys

x

It makes me so incredibly happy and thrilled that I was able to help!

As for the whole picture thing, I assume that this boyfriend may not mean that much to her. This is quite laughable, but I'm very sensitive and picky to what I post online, ESPECIALLY when previous boyfriends of mine can see it. She probably didn't tell you about her new boyfriend because she only thinks her new boyfriend and whatever emotions she feels for him are real whenever they are physically together. I did that a few times; I would be dating someone, but whenever they weren't literally with me, it would feel like they never existed. I believe this is another part of the disorder whenever BPD sufferers always have to be with someone or that person doesn't feel real. I believe this ties in with attachment and abandonment issues.

She doesn't want her new boyfriend to associate with you at all most likely because she doesn't want to bring you up anymore. After my previous breakup, I would always avoid talking about ex as much as possible because it would bring back all of the hurt emotions if I didn't. I believe she uses him as a representation in her life as moving on, and due to all of the pain she has experienced with her emotions towards you and the breakup, I doubt she would want to mix those two things together because it would make her feel that pain again.

She will most likely try to contact you again. Depending on how it makes her feel when she attempts to contact you will determine whether it happens more frequently or not. If she does contact you though, it will most likely result in her only blocking you again.

You are still on her mind, but I think additionally that she doesn't want you to be on her mind. I do believe she goes through phases of truly wanting to move on, and she also goes through phases of wanting to go back. I feel like she tries to contact you whenever she wants to go back to you, and she'll block you after because she then remembers that she wants to move on because that pain she was feeling (and possibly is still currently feeling) is unbearable.

I must add that she will truly move on eventually. One day, she will no longer feel the hurt from the breakup as severe as before. She won't think about it constantly. She'll be able to bring you up because she knows all of that is truly in her past. I think she still believes that there is a chance for y'all, which is why she is blocking you and cutting you off entirely. If she thinks there's still a chance, then she thinks there is also a chance for her to go through all of that hurt again, and that hurt is probably the thing that she is trying her hardest to avoid.

After my previous breakup, it was so incredibly difficult to even mention my ex's name. Any time someone would bring him up, I would feel this heaviness in my chest that was too overpowering. After I had genuinely moved on, I didn't have a problem with talking about him at all. In fact, I eventually unblocked him on all the sites he had been blocked on and I actually followed him on a few of his social media accounts (which was an incredibly large jump from not even being able to speak about him). I never tried to contact him again because I had moved on and I didn't feel it was worth it to open that wound again because I didn't want to risk feeling all of that pain again because I guessed that it would most likely come back. Also, a lot of my emotions for him had toned down so I didn't even feel like talking to him just because there was no point for me. I must mention that it took a good long while to move on, but I did it.

Again, I'm glad I could previously help and I do hope that I can help you again.

-- Thu Jan 22, 2015 7:32 pm --

atomic automaton wrote:Thank you so much for sharing that, chanelbaby. It certainly took a lot of vulnerability on your part to reveal so much of your own experiences to help the OP cope.

If I may, I’d like to take a moment to embellish those very real struggles with a couple of my own lessons and experiences that I’ve learned through recovery. I do this because there is hope for people suffering from BPD to recover, so hopefully my experiences and lessons can be a little bit of a source of inspiration (I have a younger sister so it’s in my nature to be big-sisterly).

BPD recovery certainly takes a lot of work challenging and changing our beliefs about ourselves and other people. And all of that is in addition to the very hard work of learning how to sooth ourselves when feeling flooded by intense emotions.

I totally get what you’re saying about distracting yourself from the intense pain felt. I’ve done it. I totally have my regrets. But that’s a part of learning, so we have to be easy on ourselves.

One thing that has helped me to control my impulsivity is to think of impulsiveness as a really hard street drug (and I have generally avoided using illegal drugs in my life so this example works for me). Having a new boyfriend as a distraction from the pain you’re feeling from a really tough breakup is exactly like using crack cocaine or heroine. They accomplish exactly the same goal: escape. But, you know, when you look around at the people in this world who are doing all of the things they can from escaping their pain instead of facing it and walking into it, they only end up destroying themselves and their dreams of a peaceful, happy existence. It takes strength and courage to choose the healthier, but more painful paths in life - but the rewards are so worth it!

Things to share regarding strength and vulnerability.

First, vulnerability. I’ve come to learn that vulnerability, as totally intense as it is, is actually the source of happiness in my life. Vulnerability is the good stuff. Because when I’m vulnerable with someone who respects that vulnerability, who’s been there before himself, and who I know cares deeply about me… when I’m so incredibly vulnerable and he wraps that vulnerability so sweetly and tenderly in his arms and I finally just let go… it’s in that moment that I actually experienced the warm, gooey, tender moments. That’s the moment I actually experienced True Love. When I built your relationship on a foundation of honesty (which takes a ton of strength) and on top of it a strong sense of trust (which takes a ton of courage!), then I could feel a little more safe about being vulnerable.

Being vulnerable with somebody and then slowly feeling safe in that vulnerability is one of the most rewarding experiences life has to offer. I just had to stop running from it.

Now, strength.

I remember the feeling of wanting to be seen as a strong person by taking actions that hurt other people. It took a while to untangle that knot in my mind. Here’s how it worked.

I had to sort out who I was trying to impress with my desire of being a “strong woman”. Was I trying to impress my friends or myself? It was both.

If I wanted my friends to view me as being a strong person, and I sacrificed my own desires for it, well then it was very much coming from a place of people-pleasing and also it’s basically saying that my friend’s perceptions of me (or how I think they would perceive me) are more important than what I want and desire in my life. Generally friends are supportive of anything you choose to do, and those who aren’t supportive of your decisions, well, aren’t very good friends.

If I wanted to have self-respect for considering myself to be a strong person then I needed to evaluate what it actually means to be a strong person. By putting myself through totally unnecessary obstacles to “prove” to myself how much of a strong person I was didn’t accomplish a thing. In fact it only did more unnecessary destruction of myself and also the very good things in my life. Because it’s the wrong kind of “strength”.

I came to understand that being a strong person is about letting myself be vulnerable despite the nearly unbearable fear of what bad things might happen. A strong person is someone who can start a new relationship after being totally burned one or more times in previous relationships, and still be willing to be vulnerable again - despite exactly how much residual fear there is associated with it.

A strong person is about taking responsibility for my life and also for all of the ways I’ve hurt people by giving them a heart-felt apology and doing my very best to change the ways I’ve treated them. Being a strong person is being able to tell my partner, or my friends, or my family that I have not told the entire truth about things or manipulated the facts or whatever and that I did it unfairly for my own gain but that I didn’t want to be the kind of person anymore (and I’ve had plenty of those discussions in the past).

I decided that a strong person is about being someone who can say “I screwed up and want to set things straight. These are the ways I screwed up and these are the consequences that resulted in what I’ve done. I apologize and I promise to try my best to do better next time. Will you forgive me?”

I learned that being “strong” was about doing the loving things despite the unfair circumstances, about taking the high road, about truly forgiving, about sometimes being my partner’s anchor in life too, about respecting my partner’s vulnerability. A strong person is trying your best to continue to be a loving, giving, and considerate person regardless of the circumstances or how you feel in the moment.

So these are a few lessons I’ve learned that I thought I’d pass along. We’re all on our own journey, but sometimes other’s experiences can be blazes on the trail.

And hopefully this gives the OP a better sense of what recovery looks like and how much time, energy, and work it is to look deep within ourselves and pull the messy pieces apart to replace the broken bits.

All my love,
aa

It was lovely to read this! It makes me happy and hopeful that you were able to get through those struggles. I am suffering currently but I do truly want a future that includes recovery and healthier decisions and loving/understanding relationships.

Thank you for sharing that.