Getting off on punishment

This is a bit of a purposeful joke as my post relates to a guy I've been seeing who is a sexual sadist, but I've been recently thinking about whether I enjoy punishing people.

This is some background. It might be tl;dr so you can also just skip to the last paragraph if it's too much:

The man I've been playing with recently had me come over. In the middle of the night, I woke up horny. He didn't respond to advances or didn't show much interest in cuddling me, which triggered me. He had been very affectionate with me before and had cooed about how great it felt to ###$ me, but in that moment it didn't matter. I decided I was going to leave, but realized it would be more effective to say something instead. His response was "ok sure if you need to go, I understand", which was not the response I wanted. He could tell I wasn't pleased, so he told me he wanted me to stay and I stayed. The morning he was on the computer checking social media and messaging other girls (he's poly, which I'm ok with. I really like his gf) and that triggered me again. I felt empty and depressed and barely let him kiss me goodbye. I left saying I didn't know "if this is working for me".

When I got home I sent him a long text about how he was more of a disciplinarian type and I needed more of a caretaker type dominant and said I didn't think it would work. He said he understood and that sometimes things didn't work, which immediately made me backtrack and say I thought we could still play together just not do intimate things. He said that sounded good.

Later last night he drunk texted me about whether I had bought a corset top I had said on social media I was going to buy for myself once I completed a paper. I said I hadn't. He texted me the next morning asking if I would write positive reviews online for the store he owns and I did.

When I was being pissy (yet again...I know) after he had pushed back the time I was supposed to come by his house by 2 hours and I had said I didn't know if I would be able to make it now, he had suggested we hang out on Tuesday as he had the day off. I messaged him asking if he was still free on Tuesday.

His response? "no sorry".

That's all. Nothing else. I can feel myself getting worked up. As soon as I received that message, I deleted his number. It's feels so dismissive and uncaring to me. I just want to lash out and punish him for it.

We're going to the same BDSM party on Friday and I know he's going to be handsy with me like he was last time and try to French kiss me and stick his hands up my skirt to mark his territory in some way.

I've been fantasizing about just being incredibly cold. I want to take his hand off of me, look directly into his eyes, and say "please don't touch me" in front of everyone there. I want to turn my cheek to his kiss and squirm out of the way of his hug. I want to punish him for making me feel this way. The idea feel in control and powerful.

I know that I'm being irrational. He's confused by me and what I want as I keep giving him mixed messages. He's been very vocal about telling me how hot he thinks I am and how much he wants to be with me. When I said I didn't think his style of dominating was right for me, he told me "for you, I'd be very flexible". He says things like "I can see myself trying to get you to have my babies" and "you're really weird but I like it". I know he's interested in me. I know he's not rejecting me. I know I've been giving him mixed messages anyway. I'm self-aware enough to know it's all irrational.

But I still want to punish him. Has anyone else ever felt like this? Do you ever have the urge to exert power and control in a way that would hurt someone else because they make you feel needy or helpless? I don't think I'm going to do it. I might ignore him a bit at the party, but I wouldn't humiliate him, despite the fact that I still feel like pushing him away though and don't want him to touch me. However, I'm curious as to where this is coming from. I'm a bit freaked out by it all. This is the first guy I've been interested in since my ex and I hate that my reactions have been returning and I keep getting triggered.

I dated a guy kind of like that. He called himself a Dom but I'm not sure he really knew what it was about or if he just wanted it as an excuse to act like a dick and do whatever he wanted. He was a cheater and a liar. He told me from the start he was "poly" and would be with other women and I told him I needed to be exclusive or nothing, so he lied and said we'd be exclusive and ended up just going behind my back.

Anyways, if a guy acted this way to me, what you are describing, I would be so highly triggered it would be unbearable.

Things got very violent with me and my ex. He almost broke my nose and gave me two black eyes. Of course I stayed with him after that. I was helplessly hooked.

To get back to your question, I'm not sure I "planned" out exerting dominance and control, the way you are describing. I didn't let him dominate me though, which is why things got so violent. I just naturally acted in a self-preservation way, I guess, catching him cheating and being bitchy and telling him off when I thought he deserved it.

I don't know if I have the patience or presence of mind to plan something out as calculating as you are describing it. I'm more an "act in the heat of the moment" type of person.

Maybe others can relate?

justagirl00 wrote:I dated a guy kind of like that. He called himself a Dom but I'm not sure he really knew what it was about or if he just wanted it as an excuse to act like a dick and do whatever he wanted. He was a cheater and a liar. He told me from the start he was "poly" and would be with other women and I told him I needed to be exclusive or nothing, so he lied and said we'd be exclusive and ended up just going behind my back.

Anyways, if a guy acted this way to me, what you are describing, I would be so highly triggered it would be unbearable.

Things got very violent with me and my ex. He almost broke my nose and gave me two black eyes. Of course I stayed with him after that. I was helplessly hooked.

To get back to your question, I'm not sure I "planned" out exerting dominance and control, the way you are describing. I didn't let him dominate me though, which is why things got so violent. I just naturally acted in a self-preservation way, I guess, catching him cheating and being bitchy and telling him off when I thought he deserved it.

I don't know if I have the patience or presence of mind to plan something out as calculating as you are describing it. I'm more an "act in the heat of the moment" type of person.

Maybe others can relate?

I've come across guys like that who call themselves doms but are really just dicks. It can be hard to pick out.

This guy is legit. He's been in the scene for a long time and is very respected. It was a lot of the appeal for me when I started seeing him and probably still is. He's very popular in the local scene and everyone wants to play with him. He also does do poly-style dating. His main girl actually has a husband (he even was in the wedding) and knows what he's doing with other girls. He actually told me when he was on the computer and talking to other girls that he was messaging her that he couldn't talk as he was with me, but wanted to acknowledge the sexy pic she had sent him and that being on the computer was just part of his waking up routine. Even though he explained it, I still felt ignored and vulnerable.

I think when I was coming up with the idea of ignoring him, it was an immediate reaction. Daydreaming about it made me feel better. So it was more of an impulsive emotional reaction and less of a planned thing.

Ok, I see...that makes sense.

Well, it kind of sounds like he likes you. But is also dismissive, maybe that's just his style? Some men are just cold and never show their feelings, and can seem dismissive when really its just their personality, and not a reflection on their feelings for you.

Going back to your original question... it kind of sounds like you are doubting his interest in you, at times, when he is not making it obvious, despite him making it obvious at other times. So you want to punish him for it, even though you know its an irrational response.

This makes sense. I'm not sure what I can say about it though. I don't think I've experienced this myself, since the D/s I was in, was not the real deal, but just a guy wanting to be an abusive jerk, and me enjoying the abuse, and triggering him. Completely different dynamic.

Maybe some others with more experienced with this type of relationship can relate?

justagirl00 wrote:Ok, I see...that makes sense.

Well, it kind of sounds like he likes you. But is also dismissive, maybe that's just his style? Some men are just cold and never show their feelings, and can seem dismissive when really its just their personality, and not a reflection on their feelings for you.

Going back to your original question... it kind of sounds like you are doubting his interest in you, at times, when he is not making it obvious, despite him making it obvious at other times. So you want to punish him for it, even though you know its an irrational response.

Yeah. That sounds about right. It's my fear memory thing. It doesn't matter what's happened in the past because if I sense anything that hints at rejection or abandonment, my memory of anything that would allow me to trust anyone goes poof! And I think the sense of rejection is triggering anger. I get upset that I have to feel pain when other people don't. It makes me want to hurt them for hurting me, even though it wasn't purposeful.

I finally broke down and messaged him. He told me he was busy and apologized and told me he still wanted too play with me. It makes sense. He's running a business that opened up only a couple months ago. Maybe I'm still just too sensitive to handle this. I don't want to run away from it forever though.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I wanted to hurt the guy that I've been falling for only because he makes me feel crazy. It feels like he controls my emotions because of how much I truly am into him. Whenever I don't have control, I feel vulnerable. And whenever I feel vulnerable, I have a major urge to get rid of that feeling. I feel like hurting someone will make me stop the emotions I have towards that person, even it probably won't work. I feel like if I emotionally damage him, than my feelings towards him won't be as strong and I won't feel vulnerable and I'll feel that I have control. I know this sounds terrible but I always feel better whenever I imagine all of the ways I could hurt his heart.