This or that?

Does anyone ever feel so wishy washy or flippy floppy about their relationship? I recently cheated on bf and he forgave me and we're taking it day by day working it out. He's expressed to me that he's afraid that tomorrow I might wake up and decide I don't love him when today I'm madly in love.
I didn't realize until he said that, how "bipolar" I am with my love for him. I question myself asking if I'm just waiting around for something better or am I truly happy? Do I want him around or do I just do it because I don't want to feel abandoned.
Does anyone else experience a "bipolar" flip between being in love with someone and it being way too easy to push them aside for something better?
Is this normal for most people with BPD to experience?
It's like I can wake up and be someone else with no love for him
Or care that he's alone because it's not who I am that day. Inside I'm screaming out "hey this sucks it's not what I want!" But on the outside I don't give a F.
I can't decide if I want this or that because what if I decide the next day that I want something different?!

Yes it's normal and I have experienced this exactly. My only advice is to stick it out as long as you. Try your best to love him, as crazy as it sounds. Because if you are this unsure, I feel you will only regret it if you split up with him. I talk from experience here as I am three years down the line and still beating myself up for dumping my ex for reasons like this.

its all right. if the crazy feeling of 'love' remained for all time, then it would be obsession or clingy. in fact the later is unhealthy.

an example would be...i miss a partner, call her...talk and then the emotion of 'missing' is replaced by 'trust' or 'content'

i realized the hard way that love also involves trust. it doesnt have to be everyday excitement. some peaceful moments are also nice.

peppermint2808 wrote:Inside I'm screaming out "hey this sucks it's not what I want!" But on the outside I don't give a F.
I can't decide if I want this or that because what if I decide the next day that I want something different?!

Yes. But really you do care. It should not be hidden.
This behavior occurs specifically in relationships because, of course they evoke a different range of emotions, compared to a change of job for example.
Personally, I have tried all sorts of options. After hasty decisions, done mainly based on a specific feeling. I have learned to wait with things.
The logic can be strong, but sometimes certain feeling is quite impossible to let go.

I'm going to go against the grain and say that it sounds like you're trying to convince yourself of something your heart doesn't really feel. It seems like you found a partner that's "safe". Someone that has proven they won't abandon you and reject you, but that in and of itself doesn't equate to love.

I think the question you should ask yourself is: do I love this person and truly want to be with them or am I just here because I know he's a poor sap that's not going anywhere.

I dated someone like that, and when I found myself wanting to cheat, I immediately ended it. I could never hurt someone that way, and I understood that sometimes you're just simply not that into someone or you're over it. It happens.

I second what iCandi said.

Especially with BPDs, we usually stay with someone just because we don't want to be alone. It doesn't mean we are in love with the person or the person is right for us.

I think its a good strategy, as soon as you want to cheat or feel like cheating, maybe its a sign the person you are with is not the right person?

Nobody should settle. I used to frantically be in any relationship I could, even a bad relationship, just because I couldn't handle being alone. It terrified me and the feelings of emptiness and loneliness were unbearable.

I'm in enough a state of recovery now that I can be alone, and when feelings of loneliness come over me, as they still do, I just let them pass. I find life overall much more peaceful and productive now when I'm not dealing with a relationship and all its drama.

Then again, what you are experiencing could also just be a BPD reaction to intimacy and the fears it brings up.

Ugh! I never felt so bad in my life as I did when I cheated. And that's when I started wondering if I'm just with him because he's safe, he's familiar, and I know he'll do anything to stay with me. I mean idk! I'm afraid that I'll never find someone who will love me like he does. And that's scary, because I don't think I've ever been loved by someone the way he loves me.
And then I ask myself if I love him the same. And honestly I'm not sure what that answer is right now.
I guess I'll give it some time and see how I feel, but I don't want to feel as if I'm settling!
I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I hate making someone else hurt. I hate trying to be on my own when he gives me space and feeling like a lost lonely soul. This sucks. FML

Peppermint, how long have you guys been together?

And have you ever tried being alone?

We've been together for 2 years now.
And no, I'm never really alone- through high school I was never single for more than maybe a month. I didn't really have friends so I clung to guys who would be in a relationship with me.
Last night I tried to be alone I seriously did...during the day I'm fine but when the sun goes down I get anxiety when I'm alone, so I invited him over.
I'm not sure if I wanted him to be there for him or just have him there so I wasn't alone.

Oh wow 2 years is a long time. I completely empathize with you because I feel like it's so similar to how I felt. I cared about my ex soooo much and he was such a great guy, but I just knew I was no longer in love. I waited it out for 2 months before I ended it, but in those 2 months, the feeling just got worse and worse until I was almost disgusted and annoyed by his affection. It's really sad. And it hurt him really bad. We're still friends and although it's been 10 years, he's still hurt when he thinks about it.
I'm not sure how long you've been having these feelings, but if it seems to keep getting worse and worse, I'd say it might not go away. It might just be your heart speaking to you. I know sometimes it's hard for us to trust our own feelings and gut instincts, but it's always trying to communicate something important to us.
Being alone seems like the scariest thing in the world, but it's not permanent. Giving yourself some space to sort out the relationship may be beneficial for you both.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}