Giving Up. Goodbye.

For a while now, I've been seriously contemplating suicide. I tried to find ways to make life work, to find happiness in things. Whatever I could do to not be in constant pain. It's sad to admit that most of my pain surrounds a man. Mentally, a boy. The ex that I have spoken about here before married the woman he has bounced back and forth with yesterday. The last time we slept together was a week ago. My entire family kept it from me. They all knew. I am not made to survive in a world where people trick you into believing that they love you then do all the things that he has done. He abused me, and I tried to understand him. And for that, I get this. He just stopped talking the day before yesterday and ignored me. Today I see a picture on facebook of his wedding. Just him and her at the courthouse. He doesn't care about me at all. He has been lying for years. Putting on an act. For years. How do people do that? I can't comprehend. Talking to his brother today, he says, just enjoy Christmas. The point is, I'm done trying to live. I'm going to plan for my death. I'm going to make sure that my children are safe, and this poor little person is going to have to come with me. I can't do this anymore. All my life I have been abused by men who were supposed to love me. He was the last one I had faith in. I had known him for so long. After the initial upset of seeing this and talking to his brother, there was a stillness in my emotions. Almost like I knew what I needed to do. I'm tired of being in pain and being hurt. Being lied to. Being abused. Thank you angelinbluejeans, Nmind, BPM606060, rivergirl and anyone else I'm forgetting who has been helpful in my quest for knowledge here. I just don't feel I was meant to survive in this world. I won't be back, I have things to get in order. Goodbye.

beesknees wrote:For a while now, I've been seriously contemplating suicide.

Don't give up yet. At least hold off a little longer.

I know its hard to understand that the only true source happiness is from inside. You have to rebuild your inner well of happiness which starts with self-respect feelings of Self-worth.

I know you feel that you are worthless, that is not the case. You are just as valuable as the next person, and at this point since you are 2 human tied together you are twice a valuable.

Give it time you can build yourself a fountain of happiness that will spring force water of joy from inside regards of what others do on the outside.

Short term medication can help, longer term get help for someone to guide you rebuilding your core, the core that was destroyed can be made rebuilt and shine better brighter than ever before.

I'm fairly new around here so I apologize for not knowing your entire story, but I can piece together an idea from this post. I don't know what to say other than please don't commit suicide. I know someone who is now very close to me, and he was revived after a suicide attempt that was instigated by an ex girlfriend. Fast forward a couple years and he's now my boyfriend. His past makes him the most beautiful person I know, and I truly feel blessed to have someone like that in my life. He has changed my life for the better. He told me that he doesn't regret having suicidal thoughts, because they ultimately shaped him into the person he is now. He also told me that if he hadn't been saved, he would have lost so much.

You're a beautiful person, and you can grow so much from this experience. The future is so wide open and can bring you a world that you didn't think was possible. Just hold on a little longer.

beesknees I am YOU and I am HIM... I don't know if anything I can say will help or even make sense but I'll try.

Firstly PLEASE step back for a few days. Give yourself some time to feel the way you do but knowing you are a broken but worthy and valuable person!

Second - Remove yourself from facebook and even temporarily delete your profile if you must! Facebook for borderlines, at least for me, seems to reinforce all my internal emotions about not living life and always being on the outside looking in on others who "seemingly" have it all together and going on.

Personally I feel social sites, especially facebook, are creating more narcissist and people who are not really living life. How can one live when they're so busy posting everything they're doing trying to convince others they're life is good and valuable?

Don't want to turn this into a facebook deal as it's about YOU but I really feel getting the hell away from that site especially when you are not doing well will only increase the intensity of your depression and anxiety you're dealing with right now.

I have a hard time putting feelings in words..hell even having feelings but I'm going to try.

As I said above I am YOU and I am HIM

I am borderline and depressed etc. I was diagnosed last year but have known emptiness, loneliness, all the stuff we deal with since I was a teen. I am now 48 and have had major suicidal thoughts now seriously for the past 2 years including here lately again.

The feelings and thoughts have been so intense here the past few weeks I also started making plans to end it in 2015. Sell some things so others don't have to deal with them, get my financials in order... the whole bit. Hell, I even got teary eyed while shopping a few weeks back thinking about not shopping there again AND it's a place I hate to go to. LOL

PLEASE TAKE A STEP BACK... I am with you and completely feeling you..

The more I started planning the more I started missing AND thinking about.. what if? What if it can be even just a little better for me? What if I find a relationship where I really care and have passion about the other person?

This is getting long and I apologize but there's a bit more.

Now something I hate to reveal but it is the truth.. I am HIM

For over 11 years I've been in a relationship with someone, who although as terrific as she is, I've never been in love with. She was never meant to be long term. We both filled a void for each other and played games.

I told her early on I did not want to stay.. she begged and gave reasons to just hold on a bit longer because our relationship, even though she knew or I told her I was not wanting it, was the best she'd had. She came from very difficult and troubled background. More so than me family wise.. I was sensitive to her and felt sorry for her.. all the while neglecting myself and knowing she was not for me.

We separated for 5 weeks last year, my doing, and because of guilt, convenience and all the crap I'm in the same boat 17 months later.

I'm putting her needs again before mine and now it's caused me even greater harm and depression because I've been living a lie for way too long.

Although I've not been really having affairs I have for about 4 years now seeing prostitutes sometime frequently. Strange as it may seem she's ok with this as long as she knows BUT I've been doing it behind her back for so long and not being upfront about it all. Lying etc.

I can't help but feel she knows but is settling. She talks often about being so happy I am her best friend and that we can talk about everything and how honest we are.

beesknees the reason I've gone into all of this is.. HE also is a broken person. He is NOT RIGHT and he is the last thing you need in your life!!

He may have or might have love for you that does not or ever did equal romantic or long term partner status.

I LOVE HER we are just on completely different levels and I feel neither of us really are interested in the same things or have desire, beyond sex, for each other.

I am sorry for not being honest with her "at times" but for the most part completely justify everything I do because in my mind.. "she's always known how I really felt and feel". Right now I just feel like we're in an arrangement situation of which we both benefit various things from.

Please go talk to someone, a professional anyone that you can right now to work through your suicidal feelings!!

Sometimes you can love someone and hurt them simply because that someone doing the hurting is also broken and hurting.

I don't want to hurt her and I"m certainly not throwing anything in her face at all. I know she would likely be devastated if she had any idea of how much I've been seeing prostitutes.

What I do know is that my activities are because I am trying to fill an emotional void that I can't with her because I'm not passionately, and never have been, in love with her.

Hopefully by revealing myself to you it "might" give you some insight and perspective to keep you from following through with your plans.

Reach out to us on this board.. see someone.. talk to someone because you are worth it!!!

Keep us posted.. we're looking forward to hearing more from you.

We are all here for you and want to stress that you have a brighter future, although I imagine that you cannot even grasp the possibility. It is just so hard right now, huh? And yet I am sure, as you look at those precious children of yours, that you are a very loving mother and know that they need you here. Depression they say is 'anger toward inward'. You owe it to yourself and the children and your unborn baby to not let his actions cause you to be angry at yourself. We (us on the forums) want to get to know you better now...and in a time when things are better for you (I am confident that you cannot imagine that now, but I assure will be realized); a time when you are holding that precious bundle....a time when you are in a secure relationship giving those precious children the future that they deserve. Please just get through the day, again talk to others, if necessary call a hotline....and feel free to PM me at any hour....take care...

Hi Beesknees.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Lots of people in this forum have been through similar things and we know how difficult it is. As you can see from the responses you've received above.

Please reach out to your local Suicide Prevention Hotline or a health professional immediately! Here are US numbers http://suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html or international here- http://suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

This is a forum for general support, we can't give professional help, which is what is needed right now. That's why this thread is being locked- this isn't the right place to get such critical help. Please try to keep yourself safe. Hope to hear from you soon.