I RUINED EVERYTHING!!!

A guy I just met this year, he is an amazing man. I like him so much! I cut communication with him a few times because I was scared he would do it first. I must have cut contact with him about 6 times now and he always came back to talk to me and tells me he missed me..This time, we went like a whole week without speaking and I turned really bitter and angry at him and decided to look some stuff up and I came to a conclusion that he lied to me, so I went off on a limb and said some really off the wall sh.t about him and he begged me to give him a chance to prove me wrong. He went to lengths to prove that he wasn't the guy I accused him of being and he provided me PROOF that I was wrong and now I feel like such a b.tch! I don't trust men and so I treat them all alike and I know it is wrong of me but it is a safety net for me.. But now I want to sit around kicking myself in the face because I RUINED everything between us. I wrote him and apologized because he said I hurt his feelings but he hasn't responded yet and I am afraid this is it. The way he wrote me made me feel like he was telling me goodbye. I f.cking HATE THIS SH.T!!! I have a really deep connection with him but I believe I F'd up beyond any kind of forgiveness this time. I said some things that were really mean

I'm such a fool and I feel like cutting myself. I deserve to be abused because of my WACK ASS personality! IM SO FCKING PISSED OFF!!

neptunerising wrote:A guy I just met this year, he is an amazing man. I like him so much! I cut communication with him a few times because I was scared he would do it first. I must have cut contact with him about 6 times now and he always came back to talk to me and tells me he missed me..This time, we went like a whole week without speaking and I turned really bitter and angry at him and decided to look some stuff up and I came to a conclusion that he lied to me, so I went off on a limb and said some really off the wall sh.t about him and he begged me to give him a chance to prove me wrong. He went to lengths to prove that he wasn't the guy I accused him of being and he provided me PROOF that I was wrong and now I feel like such a b.tch! I don't trust men and so I treat them all alike and I know it is wrong of me but it is a safety net for me.. But now I want to sit around kicking myself in the face because I RUINED everything between us. I wrote him and apologized because he said I hurt his feelings but he hasn't responded yet and I am afraid this is it. The way he wrote me made me feel like he was telling me goodbye. I f.cking HATE THIS SH.T!!! I have a really deep connection with him but I believe I F'd up beyond any kind of forgiveness this time. I said some things that were really mean

I'm such a fool and I feel like cutting myself. I deserve to be abused because of my WACK ASS personality! IM SO FCKING PISSED OFF!!

Tell him this. Tell him that you have a condition that makes you behave this way and reassure him that you like him.

But you have to be sure that this is what you want.

That's what I love about him. He knows about my BPD and Bipolar Disorder and he never judges me...I wrote him and told him I was sorry and stuff but he still just hasn't responded.

neptunerising wrote:That's what I love about him. He knows about my BPD and Bipolar Disorder and he never judges me...I wrote him and told him I was sorry and stuff but he still just hasn't responded.

How long has it been since he hasn't responded?

Is it possible he is just busy or didn't yet read your message?

It's been just a day...but he responded today...I was so manic this morning, I became a little delusional I guess and I was all over the place...I took some sleeping pills and then I ended up waking up and splitting again. Now I feel repulsed by him and I don't want to talk to him at all but now that I see what I am doing I can catch it before I f*ck up again. Luckily the only thing I wrote him was "OMG"

I'll let him breathe for the holidays. I put this man through so much....I think I'm gonna write him a lengthy message so he will understand me a little better than what he does.

Thanks for being here. <3

neptunerising wrote:It's been just a day...but he responded today...I was so manic this morning, I became a little delusional I guess and I was all over the place...I took some sleeping pills and then I ended up waking up and splitting again. Now I feel repulsed by him and I don't want to talk to him at all but now that I see what I am doing I can catch it before I f*ck up again. Luckily the only thing I wrote him was "OMG"

I'll let him breathe for the holidays. I put this man through so much....I think I'm gonna write him a lengthy message so he will understand me a little better than what he does.

Thanks for being here. <3

A whole day?? You definitely had reason to be concerned!

What did I say about making sure this is what you want

I go through the exact same tendencies. I make up catastrophic scenarios in my mind, based on the slightest, most innocent thing that he did or said, and then I blame him for these imaginary scenarios and accuse him of lying and deceiving me. Once he apologizes and tries to convince me it isn't so, I feel like a complete idiot and keep apologizing for my behavior. Thing is I am never really completely convinced. Even when he says it isn't the way I think, I want to believe him more than anything else but deep inside I still believe myself more. It is hard and it takes so much time and energy, but as I wrote somewhere else I believe it is your mind's protecting mechanism to prevent you from getting hurt. If he really cares for you and especially if you make him understand how your mind works, he will endure these outbursts and go through them with you. If he doesn't, he will get scared or tired of it and leave, but if he does that then he wasn't worth it in the first place.

neptunerising wrote:I'll let him breathe for the holidays. I put this man through so much....I think I'm gonna write him a lengthy message so he will understand me a little better than what he does.

The best conversations I've ever had were in letter form. It sounds like a good idea.

Hello everyone,

I do agree that it would be a good thing to have someone by our side that will stick with us through the negative and positive but also at the same time, I understand why a person would get sick of the constant back and forth. If he chose to walk away because of my issues, I'd understand but it would suck.

I wrote the letter to him and told him that he can respond whenever he wanted to respond and that I was not going to rush him because the letter ended up being long and I'm already paranoid about that which is why I felt the need to tell him that I wasn't in a rush..(This might have been a little tale because I check to see if I have an email indicating that he messaged back..) I'm trying to get out of the habit though.

All day I go through changes about the way I feel about him and this. The issue I am having now is not so much that I don't want to talk to him at all but now I am having an issue that seems to have crossed over into the delusional department now.

He provided me *solid* proof that he wasn't lying to me but now I feel like I believe he lied and I can't help it. Even with the proof I have come up with some bizarre scenario or some far out way so that I could make him into a liar. While mentally, I do understand this is most likely all me projecting and living in fear and using my disbelief in him as a defense mechanism, my feelings are a bit different.

My emotions want to cry because they still think he's a liar over the situation I have been talking about and it's totally delusion...It sucks coz I cried over the fact I thought he was a liar post proof..I don't know how to get out of it...I am truly one @!@@@! up individual. I really am.

I feel you completely. happened to me last night, i was talking to him and some silly little thing set me off and there i was giving him hell again, convinced he is a liar, but at the same time i was completely aware how ridiculous im being and that i love him and that all i want is him to be there for me, but still i couldnt stop my outburst. it was like seeing myself destroy all that matters to me but unable to do anything but watch powerless.