forgiveness

I need help figuring out how to forgive people.

my abusive ex is moving back to where I live, and the guy I'm seeing right now is friends with him from way back when, and his friends have been telling him he's welcome in their little circle and whatnot, so I'm going to have to deal with him being around.

I'm also having a lot of thoughts around re-establishing contact with my family, who aside from having 2 of my nieces on facebook, I haven't spoken to in years. i always got along well with my sister and her kids, but my parents..... not so much. the last time we spoke it was a big blowout about money. but I'm turning 30 soon and hoping to maybe get married and have a baby in the next few years with any luck and I feel like it's getting to a point that I need to have them in my life again so that I can tell them when I get married and when I have kids and so that my future kids can know their grandparents and stuff.

I was never emotionally close to my parents so that makes things that much harder. it would be like building something up from nothing at all. I have no idea how to go about it. any insights, experiences, etc, would be more than welcome.

regarding the abusive ex, you can ask the current guy to stay away from him, say that he's an ex and you're not comfortable with the two becoming friends.

about forgiveness...it's more for yourself. with my tormentors, forgiving them doesnt mean, i have to be best friends with them. it just means i wont hate them.

i talk with my caretaker and dont think ill of her because of her past acts

you can ask your neice about your parents or send them a message. the thing is, if they are also missing you and want to establish contact then there wouldnt be any awkwardness or questions as to why so late...maybe even they want to talk with you.

jaus tail wrote:regarding the abusive ex, you can ask the current guy to stay away from him, say that he's an ex and you're not comfortable with the two becoming friends.

about forgiveness...it's more for yourself. with my tormentors, forgiving them doesnt mean, i have to be best friends with them. it just means i wont hate them.

i talk with my caretaker and dont think ill of her because of her past acts

you can ask your neice about your parents or send them a message. the thing is, if they are also missing you and want to establish contact then there wouldnt be any awkwardness or questions as to why so late...maybe even they want to talk with you.

he's already friends with him, has been for years. and I'm not in the business of telling people who they can and can't be friends with. I'm not some controlling bitch.

I agree, it is about me, and my life, and my comfort, and my future. I'm still terrified at the thought of speaking to my parents. they stopped calling me after the incident years ago.

it's not about controlling someone but it's more of telling some person that i am not ok with your decision. for me that's the difference between friends and strangers.

its similar to...
planning to spend an evening with a group of friends but i cant have chicken so the other friends decide to have the get together at some veggie restaurant

or going on a cruise with my friends but midway i feel unwell, so friends cancel the cruise in between and all return home. for me it would be cruel of them if they decide to continue their cruise and i am returning home alone

or going on a trek but i dont like the team leader since he's acting like a jerk to me, so i tell others to rebel

or if my friend is celebrating his birthday and i call him and tell him that i need help since i am in a hospital.

its not about controlling the other person as much as putting your point across that this is the situation. how would you feel if your partner reveals year later how he felt about the fact that your best friend was an ex he was not comfortable with.

with your parents its your decision. my caretaker she was toxic towards me, but i have realized that she had her own issues. i wouldnt want her to suffer. she is still arrogant at times and acts bossy but i dont get bothered much.

you guys are missing the point. they are friends. they are going to continue to be friends. he is going to be around. period. I'm not asking for opinions on whether or not to tell someone I care about that he can't be friends with someone. that's ###$ up and I'm not that kind of person.

I am asking about forgiveness. can we please get back on topic here?

rainbow_sprinkles wrote:.....

I'm also having a lot of thoughts around re-establishing contact with my family....... I haven't spoken to in years. i always got along well with my sister and her kids, but my parents..... not so much. the last time we spoke it was a big blowout about money. but I'm turning 30 soon and hoping to maybe get married and have a baby in the next few years with any luck and I feel like it's getting to a point that I need to have them in my life again so that I can tell them when I get married and when I have kids and so that my future kids can know their grandparents and stuff.

I was never emotionally close to my parents so that makes things that much harder. it would be like building something up from nothing at all. I have no idea how to go about it. any insights, experiences, etc, would be more than welcome.

I am sorry for what has developed with your parents and you. But you are wise in recognizing that now is an apt time for a re-union considering your future plans toward marriage and the possibility of your having children and their having grandchildren. You have choices now, whether to allow the silence to fester or to choose a reconciliation. Another choice, which would not be good, would be for you to dwell negatively on the past and even while in the process of reuniting, allow more negative situations to develop. But focusing one’s mind and energy on punishing someone who has wronged us is destructive. The book 'Forgiveness—How to Make Peace With Your Past and Get On With Your Life' observes: “Rage consumes you. It consumes time and energy as you stew about your painful past experiences, internally curse the people who hurt you, and plot ways to get even.” So that being not a viable option, can you just be the stronger and, as they say, let bygones be bygones? That being said, I do not believe that humans are required to forgive individuals who lack remorse.

angelinbluejeans wrote: I am sorry for what has developed with your parents and you. But you are wise in recognizing that now is an apt time for a re-union considering your future plans toward marriage and the possibility of your having children and their having grandchildren. You have choices now, whether to allow the silence to fester or to choose a reconciliation. Another choice, which would not be good, would be for you to dwell negatively on the past and even while in the process of reuniting, allow more negative situations to develop. But focusing one’s mind and energy on punishing someone who has wronged us is destructive. The book 'Forgiveness—How to Make Peace With Your Past and Get On With Your Life' observes: “Rage consumes you. It consumes time and energy as you stew about your painful past experiences, internally curse the people who hurt you, and plot ways to get even.” So that being not a viable option, can you just be the stronger and, as they say, let bygones be bygones? That being said, I do not believe that humans are required to forgive individuals who lack remorse.

I don't feel rage towards my parents. I was angry at them for a long time but at this point it's mostly just indifference mixed with the desire to uncomplicate things. when I was younger I thought I hated my father for a long time but I eventually realized that hating him took so much of my energy, which was not helpful to me in any way, and I let the hate go.

my forgiveness is not for them, it is for me and me alone.

i'll tell about what helped me move on with the unhealthy behaviour i was dealt with.

the world is not an easy place. i've realized that there are toxic people everywhere. my caretaker had issues and she didnt have another outlet. its not her fault that she had unhealthy people around her.

its like she didnt know how to cope with her issues.

there was a time when i was super angry. even before these issues cropped up, i have done stuff i hadnt done, bullied, spoken bad about people. I once crashed a motorbike into a wall. had there been a person ahead, he/she would've died/maimed.

understanding that i have also done stuff i wish i hadnt done, helps me understand that the caretaker had also done stuff that maybe unintentional.

Try new things. I joined the gym, went for bicycle trips to the beach early morning and late evening. they didnt cure my depression or anger rightaway but now when i look back i'm glad i took those trips.

Talk to yourself. Go back to the age when you feel you were wronged and speak with that person.

My conversations with him were mostly, 'i know what happened was unhealthy but its ok. it wasnt your fault.'

kid: 'do you want me to go?'

adult me: 'who am i to tell you to go? i dont know'

eventually we've made peace.

my caretaker isnt still aware of the effects of her behaviour towards me. i've stopped bothering. its her life. as long as she doesnt affect me, i try to be indifferent towards her.

these are just my opinions and acts that helped me. feel free to ignore them if you think otherwise. good luck.