Holding onto BPD

So I've been getting better and feeling rather chipper recently I'm working a lot with "Wise Mind" which has been a great tool but the other day I felt like I missed my BPD when I couldn't feel it anymore, it seems to have made itself a comfort zone for me. Inside it feels soft and warm like laying in bed all day. I listened to triggering songs to bring back the memories of feeling the way I used to, I couldn't bring it back mentally because of Wise Mind but I tried to feel the sadness and pain psychically. I plan on talking to my therapist about this Friday but just wondered if anyone else has had this experience of not wanting to let go.

ETA: I thought about this for a while and I was thinking maybe I was bored with feeling good since there is no drama, I still felt empty although content in a very positive way. Truly felt like self sabotage at it's finest!

I feel this way all the time. As chaotic and painful as my BPD has been for me, it's the only sense of "identity" that I have. My whole life has been built around it, so letting it go can leave me feeling very empty and confused. It's a very difficult push/pull of wanting the peace, but missing the intensity. There were times in remission where I just didn't "feel" anything. I had no emotions. I'd go weeks and realize I hadn't shed a tear or felt any sort of sadness. And oddly, that didn't bring me relief. I just felt like a robot. A shell of who I once was. I Would definitely bring this up to your therapist though. It's a lot more common than it may sound.

Cool!

What both of you say makes perfect sense. BPDs are said to lack a consistent self image - because they have not been validated enough to be certain exactly what works best for them. So, in the absence of a stable self image (attitudes, opinions, values), it seems natural that you'd see BPD 'volatility' as the closest to a stable self image.

In fact, a lot of my problems in the past were from thinking that I was "whacky", a mistake compunded by my co-morbid ADHD. Gradually, I realized the whackiness was a put off for people.

Now, I am learning to be more self contained, and my "regular guy" self image actually comes from friendly and positive conversation I've had with my therapists, friends aware of my problem, and of course, these forums! There is some element of consistency without the need to be whacky. Of course, I am still somewhat hyper

iCandi wrote:I feel this way all the time. As chaotic and painful as my BPD has been for me, it's the only sense of "identity" that I have. My whole life has been built around it, so letting it go can leave me feeling very empty and confused. It's a very difficult push/pull of wanting the peace, but missing the intensity. There were times in remission where I just didn't "feel" anything. I had no emotions. I'd go weeks and realize I hadn't shed a tear or felt any sort of sadness. And oddly, that didn't bring me relief. I just felt like a robot. A shell of who I once was. I Would definitely bring this up to your therapist though. It's a lot more common than it may sound.

Thank you for your reply I felt that way as well BPD is all I know. I've been this way for what feels like my whole life. This positivity is still very new to me so I can't say how it feels in a prolonged sense. This I'd say was a good 3 days of no BPD symptoms and out of nowhere while folding laundry I longed for the symptoms to be back. I actually felt like I was a different person at that breaking point as if I was hijacked by a happy soul and they just dropped me back off at home.

How long would you be in remission before you realized these feelings of emptiness or lack of excitement?

ChessKnight wrote:Cool!

What both of you say makes perfect sense. BPDs are said to lack a consistent self image - because they have not been validated enough to be certain exactly what works best for them. So, in the absence of a stable self image (attitudes, opinions, values), it seems natural that you'd see BPD 'volatility' as the closest to a stable self image.

In fact, a lot of my problems in the past were from thinking that I was "whacky", a mistake compunded by my co-morbid ADHD. Gradually, I realized the whackiness was a put off for people.

Now, I am learning to be more self contained, and my "regular guy" self image actually comes from friendly and positive conversation I've had with my therapists, friends aware of my problem, and of course, these forums! There is some element of consistency without the need to be whacky. Of course, I am still somewhat hyper

I totally feel that way too talking with my therapist is the best way for me to remember to be "regular girl" and DBT as well. I think because I'm still new to DBT I get sort of overwhelmed with what I think I should do and what I end up doing. It's dizzying sometimes I have so much going on. I assume we might feel similar although I don't have ADHD I do have Bipolar hypomania episodes monthly usually if I'm having low BPD symptoms my hyperness will work twice as hard to fill my head.

AutumnLeaves wrote:How long would you be in remission before you realized these feelings of emptiness or lack of excitement?

For me, the beginning is the most difficult. The first few months, it is still such a huge juxtaposition from the emotions, thoughts, behaviors that I had grown so accustomed to. The more you work in therapy to begin to change your way of thinking, etc and develop a sense of identity not built around BPD, I would think the opposite will happen: You will feel content when you're at peace and the chaotic of your BPD symptoms will be what's uncomfortable. I assume that's the ultimate goal of treatment. I was only in remission a little over a year and I did get used to feeling more "normal", but I did still struggle with identity (I had stopped therapy and meds so that's my fault) and would definitely have moments of missing my BPD. Had I continued treatment, I'd likely have been able to overcome it.

AutumnLeaves wrote:

ChessKnight wrote:Cool!

What both of you say makes perfect sense. BPDs are said to lack a consistent self image - because they have not been validated enough to be certain exactly what works best for them. So, in the absence of a stable self image (attitudes, opinions, values), it seems natural that you'd see BPD 'volatility' as the closest to a stable self image.

In fact, a lot of my problems in the past were from thinking that I was "whacky", a mistake compunded by my co-morbid ADHD. Gradually, I realized the whackiness was a put off for people.

Now, I am learning to be more self contained, and my "regular guy" self image actually comes from friendly and positive conversation I've had with my therapists, friends aware of my problem, and of course, these forums! There is some element of consistency without the need to be whacky. Of course, I am still somewhat hyper

I totally feel that way too talking with my therapist is the best way for me to remember to be "regular girl" and DBT as well. I think because I'm still new to DBT I get sort of overwhelmed with what I think I should do and what I end up doing. It's dizzying sometimes I have so much going on. I assume we might feel similar although I don't have ADHD I do have Bipolar hypomania episodes monthly usually if I'm having low BPD symptoms my hyperness will work twice as hard to fill my head.

If you ever wonder what you should do, just keep talking and keep sharing. We're doing just fine