What is NOT BPD *TW*

I'm a new poster and have read lot's of threads which sometimes make me cringe. I was in a relationship with a female BPD and lord knows I'm familiar with this type of disorder. I would like to clarify what is not BPD:

Under another thread, "Relationship issues", a poster says that her BF is attending a work christmas party at a nightclub and there will be lot's of dressed up girls, and for this she is afraid, and somehow believes she's being irrational.

This isn't irrational behavior. The only thing irrational is that your BF is attending an xmas party, at a nightclub... and with strippers (!)... and you do nothing stop him? You should consider dumping him.

Then, another poster says her BF of two years goes to clubs all the time because get this, "he's a sound guy" (?), and that her insecurities are due to her BPD, and then goes on to say that her therapist helps by reminding her that said BF loves her!? Say waa??

This is not BPD. It's naive women (and men) who've been conditioned to view such behavior as normal because society says relationships should be "open" and "trusting."

And finally, the last poster says "Delusional jealousy is part of BPD". Yes, that's true, I've experienced this first hand so many times that I'm surprised my eyes aren't stuck behind my head from having rolled them so often. Nevertheless, Girls night out/Guys night out, you can trust me? Don't kid yourself.

Welcome to the forum. You sound like someone who was involved with a BPD and maybe frustrated by your relationship? If so, all I can say is, tread carefully here, as this forum is intended as a support forum for those struggling with BPD. Not as a venting forum for those frustrated by BPDs they have been involved with. There is a support forum for significant others. I could have moved your post as a mod, but have decided to leave it here.

I agree with you, our culture has made is very confusing/difficult to know at times what is appropriate behavior and what is inappropriate....when is it appropriate to feel jealousy and when is it irrational?

I suffer from delusional jealousy myself so this is something I have struggled with for a long time. Its hard to know when my jealousy is justified, etc.

In additional, it is very subjective what is appropriate and what is not appropriate. I'm not too threatened by my boyfriend watching strippers...maybe I'm naive. I'm more threatened by him carrying on secret email relatioships with exes. To me, that is a much more serious betrayal. Maybe others would be threatened by the stripper and not the secret conversation. It will be different for everyone.

I think when people post they are not so much looking for an answer, "Yes, he's being unfaithul," or "No, you are being irrational." As nobody can really know what's going on with the other person. I think its good to just try to support people through their emotional dysregulation.

Being involved with a BPD is not the source of frustration. It's the low standards set by our so called "progressive" society. Telling someone with BPD they're being irrational because of the same things that would make a non BPD uncomfortable is a form of gas-lighting. Also, I don't think it's a very subjective matter. Maybe somewhat, ie., one partner disapproves of the other watching porn, etc. But attending a party with strippers just because it's work related? Only in an open (partner) relationship can this work. That is, if you don't mind or even want your partner to sleep around.

cryptozero wrote:This is not BPD. It's naive women (and men) who've been conditioned to view such behavior as normal because society says relationships should be "open" and "trusting."

Relations should be open and trusting. But as said, it's very subjective. As long as there is understanding and balance.
Who says where to draw the line, the society? No, it is very personal.
Therefore, imo it's not appropriate to go to judge anyone.

WendyTorrance wrote:

cryptozero wrote:This is not BPD. It's naive women (and men) who've been conditioned to view such behavior as normal because society says relationships should be "open" and "trusting."

Relations should be open and trusting. But as said, it's very subjective. As long as there is understanding and balance.
Who says where to draw the line, the society? No, it is very personal.
Therefore, imo it's not appropriate to go to judge anyone.

It's not what society says, it's what the couple agrees on (I'm not being ideological). And in most cases that's monogamy. If your partner is enjoying the company of the opposite sex in a sexual way, then how does that reinforce the monogamous relationship? It doesn't. I don't care if people are okay with it, if that's what they decide, the point is, it's perfectly normal for a partner in a monogamous relationship to be jealous, BPD or otherwise. That's why the title of the thread is, 'what is not BPD', so that BPDs don't open themselves up to gas-lighting.

"Relations should be open and trusting."

Sure. But that's like saying, "people should be nice and compassionate." What happens if/when they're not? Suspicion and doubt has its benefits.

"But as said, it's very subjective."

I totally disagree.

I was supporting Justagirl. It is not in your power to say that it's wrong to go to a strip club. I personally wouldn't mind. Although, a person who goes to strip clubs has slightly negative connotation.
Sure, if someone feels the need to open up about it, something is most likely wrong. And they should talk to that SO in question.
Of course it's normal to be jealous. But as an outsider, it rarely is our call to judge.

I shouldn't post today

WendyTorrance wrote:I was supporting Justagirl. It is not in your power to say that it's wrong to go to a strip club. I personally wouldn't mind. Although, a person who goes to strip clubs has slightly negative connotation.
Sure, if someone feels the need to open up about it, something is most likely wrong. And they should talk to that SO in question.
Of course it's normal to be jealous. But as an outsider, it rarely is our call to judge.

I shouldn't post today

Sorry to hear you have the flu...

Let me emphasize: this is not a morale issue. It is not about me or society casting judgment on people's behavior or conduct. I frankly don't care, that is their business.

Now let's look at the facts:

1. There is a woman who has BPD...

2. presumably (and for obvious reasons), in a monogamous relationship...

3. she is wary of her partner attending a nightclub where there will be "lot's of dressed up girls" (this implies strippers)...

4. but she believes her jealousy is BPD related.

Wrong.

It is not BPD related. It is perfectly normal to be jealous; not only that, but to demand said partner honor their commitment.

It's a matter of objectivity:

mo·nog·a·my:

* the practice or state of being married to one person at a time.
* the practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner.
* the habit of having only one mate at a time.

A nightclub (or stripclub):

Where guys seek sexual encounters with other women.

If you feel otherwise, then your definition of monogamy differs. Maybe that's why we don't agree?

Of course it's not related to BPD, things shouldn't be labeled or justified with PDs.
What is left is a moral issue. So I grabbed to judgement I thought I saw behind your text.
It's not about agreement/disagreement, just something I wanted to bring up. No biggie.

*warning in b**** mode today & idc sorry lily <3

This post is seriously irrelevant to anything and stupid. This woman's jealousy may or may not be related to BPD but it sure as s*** isn't your place to decide that or ride in on your Verizon steed to post on a BPD support forum what you as a non BPD, know what isn't BPD?! Get the f*** out of here. Your ruffling feathers for what? To try and prove your right? to who? No none really cares what you think you know.

AutumnLeaves wrote:*warning in b**** mode today & idc sorry lily <3

This post is seriously irrelevant to anything and stupid. This woman's jealousy may or may not be related to BPD but it sure as s*** isn't your place to decide that or ride in on your Verizon steed to post on a BPD support forum what you as a non BPD, know what isn't BPD?! Get the f*** out of here. Your ruffling feathers for what? To try and prove your right? to who? No none really cares what you think you know.

Well what a scathing attack! The post is related to BPD and the woman certainly wasn't acting irrational. If that ain't relevance, then I don't know what is. But you'd rather ignore the issue, as if it's perfectly acceptable, and then attack the medium, because you don't like the message. I'm not surprised it makes some people feel uncomfortable: a) people don't want to open their eyes and realize they're in an inauthentic relationship; or b) some partners are beneficiaries in that they can justify and get away with their slutty behavior. Hmmm... I wonder.

"Your ruffling feathers for what? To try and prove your right?"

To point out a glaring inconsistency. I'm not one to hand out ribbons.

"No none really cares what you think you know."

Except two posters as well as yourself - and all those who ask, "is this delusional jealousy?"