Finding Lovers Repulsive

I say that I have 2 split personalities because it feels that way and I have burned bridges in the past that I wish I hadn't burned because of this. So, I get involved with men heavily at certain points in my life. I feel like I want to go wild and just talk and flirt with all of these men and stuff and then after a while, I started finding them completely repulsive and like I never want to speak to them again.

I don't really know how to explain the "repulsion" except that they seem gross to me. It's not like gross like a bug or gross like poop but I find them very distasteful and don't want them ever contacting me again. I turn cold hearted towards them.. I feel like I could completely do without love or a man until my other personality kicks back in and I am sweet and have excuses for why I left and things.. Then I just start missing them and crying and feeling like I am obsessed...but if and when I do get them back I repeat the cycle and get repulsed again. I thought about creating a name for this side of me because it's like I'm a completely different person. It sucks not to have consistency. I am the most inconsistent person in the world. It's not only with this but my goals, my interests, everything changing along with it. I really do feel like 2 spirits take turns using my body.

I'm not looking for advice but just sharing and wondering if others can relate to this.

Whereas, I feel the opposite and not repulsed. Definitely I am one to put the men in my life on a pedestal...

Hi Neptune. Yeah, this happens to me too. Maybe its related to splitting? We love them, then we hate them, then sometimes we love them again. To me it sounds like classic splitting and push/pull.

Its something I struggle with too. Its hard not to act on impulse during the "repulsion" stage, and then say or do things we regret when we get back to loving them again. It can be very painful to deal with, to say the least, for them as well, I think.

I'm so embarrassed when I go back and read certain things I wrote to my last "lover" during a repulsion stage. I said such horrible things. I sound so crazy. But at the time, I was in such an intense rage I could not control what I was doing, at least, it didn't seem like it at the time.

Maybe taking steps toward learning self-control, not acting out when we want to, maybe writing a letter and not sending it. Venting to a journal. Its easier said than done, because when we are hurting, we want nothing more to hurt them back, at least I do. But is the aftermath worth it? I.e., losing them as friends, and dealing with our own guilt, embarrassment, tainted image, etc.?

Oops, you said you weren't looking for advice. Sorry.

I have watched this behavior but I don't really understand it. Is it devaluation? Outlandish negative comments. When reasoned with the responses were along the lines of I care more about this remote control than them. Which was clearly not the case and admitted to later on. Seems self deserting to me. Knowing they ran away from home before they could drive. That part I do understand. Would writing a book about others relationships be wrong?

justagirl00 wrote:Hi Neptune. Yeah, this happens to me too. Maybe its related to splitting? We love them, then we hate them, then sometimes we love them again. To me it sounds like classic splitting and push/pull.

Its something I struggle with too. Its hard not to act on impulse during the "repulsion" stage, and then say or do things we regret when we get back to loving them again. It can be very painful to deal with, to say the least, for them as well, I think.

I'm so embarrassed when I go back and read certain things I wrote to my last "lover" during a repulsion stage. I said such horrible things. I sound so crazy. But at the time, I was in such an intense rage I could not control what I was doing, at least, it didn't seem like it at the time.

Maybe taking steps toward learning self-control, not acting out when we want to, maybe writing a letter and not sending it. Venting to a journal. Its easier said than done, because when we are hurting, we want nothing more to hurt them back, at least I do. But is the aftermath worth it? I.e., losing them as friends, and dealing with our own guilt, embarrassment, tainted image, etc.?

Oops, you said you weren't looking for advice. Sorry.

OMG this is EXACTLY me. I LOVED your response because it resonated so very much. I did this with the current guy I like a few times and luckily he has taken me back in....but I don't want to feel like I am taking advantage and that I can do this when I want. It's funny you should mention a journal because I started a journal and I write to him and don't send it to him. It's okay about the advice by the way I just wasn't specifically looking for it but it is fine if one gives it.

i hadnt met any real life friends for a long time. when one fellow called and asked to meet, i got super excited. in train i was thinking of the conversations i'll have with him. then when we met i got irritated and bored. there was nothing to talk. on the way back i vowed to never meet him but was thinking of calling him the next day

the splitting is very confusing and tiring.

Yeah it is! I'm doing it again!
It also hurts the others involved and
confuses them as to what you really want..

Hell, we don't even know..

i also think about the times i have painted myself all negative and apologized for minor acts. its embarrassing when i think of those days. like i told my friend, 'sorry, my intentionw as so and so' whereas my intention was no so and so, but to justify my apology i lied to him that my reason was to hurt him.

now if i tell him otherwise then even he'll wonder as to what is truth. i myself dont trust myself at times.

This is something I do religiously, so please don't feel alone in it! I tend to "collect" lovers if you will--take in admirers who I may or may not be attracted to but know that they are to me--and keep them around, get whatever I can out of them (attention, sex, gifts?), and often do so until I get that same repulsed feeling and completely throw them away. I've been told this is related to splitting and also a form of guilt that may or may not be acknowledged on your part (I know I occasionally can identify the guilt in myself, but not always). My DBT therapist has told me that the guilt is deep down, as we know what we're doing but don't do anything to stop it.

I decided to join a forum to actually be able to relate. THIS exact topic is the reason I joined, I wanted to make sure it wasn't just me.

I feel this with every female I've dated. Even when I was younger.
So it's funny that I'm able to find others who can as well.

I wish there was something I can do to stop it, I guess I don't understand enough.