I don't know where to start, but ... I will try to be short as much as possible.
This story goes on for four years, I met this guy at my Uni and I was immediately very much sexually attracted to him. He swept me off my feets after we had couple of conversations and I went crazy, literally. I thought he was everything that I need in life, everything I always wanted to be, perfect.
Now when I think about it, I wanted to merge inside him or inhale him in me. I fell in love with him madly and unconditionally, however he did not reprocriate. I also pretty quickly realized that he has no boundaries and lies very much. For example, when he didn't want to answer my private fb message he just said he wasn't logged in – but I knew It was a lie. For some time I though he was gay since one dude was hitting on him and he acted like nothing is happening. I couldn't understand why he doesn't want me, but I suspect It was due to my nationality. He is quite a bigot himself.
Everytime he got near me, I felt this intense urge to run, this fear of losing my control. I never allowed him to come near out of fear he will see the real me and abandon me. He found a girlfriend and I fell in deep, severe depression and dropped college because of it. I also deleted my facebook.
After a year he sends me a message asking me where I disappeared and if we can catch up, so I can give him back his notes. He didn't need them, it was just same lame excuse. When I mentioned I could send them to him via mail and that I don't have interest to have sex before marriage - he quickly disappeared.
Week later he found a new girlfriend, I felt it in my heart and later found out indeed this was true. I made new facebook account pretty quickly and send him his notes via private msg, there was no reply at all. Ok, so I gave a picture of me with one guy, posing living in arab land ... instantly in the same day he uploaded his cover image – it was she, his new girl. The next day his account was gone for a whole month or even more. The last time we saw each other he said that for 14 days he was obsessively looking all the documentaries about middle east, and also that he hates arabs lol.
I soon deleted fb again after no reply and went on with my life. Same fall I accidently met him in hallway. He looked shocked to see me there, as is If woke up from the dead. So we went for a coffee that night. The sexual tension was ... I never felt anything like it in my life. He looked at me like overlooked woman across the table, having this despise in his look. When he found out I was single, he was more chilled and his look softened. He forgot to mention he is still dating his girl. Like she didn't exist.
So I was bugging him via phone constantly, wanting to at least go on a date and we arranged to go on a coffee, but when he realized that I want to get together in differend kind of fashion he dropped me without words and never came around on that date, he basically stood me up... when I proclaimed to him that I know, we will never be together and that I wish him luck, I found out he is in a relationship. I felt played out and betrayed. He was hiding it from me. He asked me to give him a week, but it was too late I started hating him very much at this point. I hated him with my whole being.
Fast forward ...
Of course I blamed him and started hating him deeply because of my depression, but in fact I know now, these were my own issues.
Six months ago i poked him on facebook. He buried me with questions about my school, do I have a job etc. etc. I found out he was single. He stated he hates and despises girls who are such and such, giving my description, obviously. He learned I lied about my fake marriage, but I only did so, not to be desperate because he didn't reply to my msg and ignored me in the fist place.
He was very, very disrespectful. Basically he stated he hated me between lines. He was ignoring me half of the time and that triggered major abandonment issues in me, which resulted in me writing him about 20 messages in the middle of the night. I just couldn't control myself. Ever since he stood me up, I was in this major panic fear. He called me paranoid. He was afraid I would blackmail him,s talk him and it really wasn't my attention.
He never asked me out, again. And all I really wanted was sex, because I wanted to see if something is there. Emotions were dead for me. We met, well I forced him almost with manipulation, because according to him I wasn't safe to have sex with. Sex was awful, I was totally dry. At first he reacted as any other normal male individual, but suddenly his eyes were very cold and he became distant. He didn't even touch me. When I mentioned my fake »marriage« he started avoiding me and refused to kiss me anymore at all. He called me a bitch lol.
After this we never met and I dumped him basically. I wrote on online forum all the pain he brought in my life and gave him a link to it. He stated he feels like $#%^, but that he never loved me and this ex was in fact his dream girl (the one he forgot to mention in the first place lol and he dumped her). He left her, because she »hugged« another man.
I made another facebook profile and moved there with my real name. I had one with fake name, but really It was unintentionally. I just had it so people can't find me. I like being »hidden«, I feel safe. Since I didn't want to look desperate, I putted image with another guy as my profile pic. As soon as I released an option so people can send me fb requests, dozens of them came. I ignored all of them. The last attempt was this guy trying to pose as my ex, asking if I am still mad. This is when I went into full rage, telling him I will report him to police and that he is crazy. That I want to move on with my life and stop with this craziness. That he never wanted to date me in the first place, always ignored me and behaved like a complete ass. That we are over.
He responded that I am crazy one and that he thought I was another woman. That he doesn't give crap about me. After all, at the end, he said he loved me. I know he doesn't. He is just trying to hoover me back like he always did. It is a game.
I soon realized I am borderline and that my disease has flourished to full potential after meeting him. Im not angry anymore, I don't love him anymore, I just want to move on. After that sex failure I realized I can't manage him on that field so I lost interest all together. I am not a slut, in fact he was my second and I am 26. Maybe he was avoiding sex, because he has a small, you know ... you can't even feel it through pants.
I'm deeply religious, but my first boyfriend was crazy about my body and would literally **** for hours without end and I loved it. I know these two things don't come together, but it's true.
This man had shortcomings down there, was cold and couldn't even touch me. I realized he has nothing to offer me. I have a feeling he feels betrayed by me, because it seems like I played him out and was only trolling him from my old fb profile. In one hand I did, because he broke my heart on the other I didn't. I really tried to build relationship with him, but he played me out again and was probably doing another girl and hiding it, again.
I know he wants to get back at me and win, but I told him he won already. I never had his love, I lost my health and my school, job, everything. I just want to get to therapy and be well, so I can overcome this borderline *****. And he behaves like he doesn't understand that. I know he send me all of that fake requests, I now know he has multiple fake profiles. I know now he was following me on tumblr and all my social networks, reading about himself and gathering information about me. Too bad for him, everything was fabricated – because us borderlines, we are empty inside and change personality from one month to another. This is how empty I am inside.
I have a feeling like he wants to lure me back, but I really don't wish to be with him and I know he doesn't want to be with me. Whats the catch ? If you don't want to date me, have normal sex with me, why don't you leave me to live my life ? What do you think ?
I know he waits for me to contact him. And I sincerely won't. There is nothing there anymore, except hate. I think he is pissed, because he expected I will follow him around and beg him to be with me. He even changed his working place info on fb. I couldn't care less about someone who isn't able to bring it to the table, take care of me and allow me to adore him.
Oh yes, I can't help but rage at him. I am only like this with him. I had pretty normal relationships with other guys, with one man I didn't even fight at all, like never. Why doesn't he leave me the hell alone. Why ? I just want peace of mind, he took everything from me and I realized that indeed he is worthless after all to me. Now when I left him alone, trying to be happy and get on with my life ... he just doesn't want me to. But he dumped me also in the first place. He rejected me several times. He traded me for this ugly breastless highschool girl, because I refused to have sex with him. I know he stalked me from some creepy account, where there were girls of my religion highly fetishized. I think he is crazy very much.
Please give me some opinion about this. Should I ignore him ? It's really hard, because narcs are like nicotine. It's not love, but drug. When he comes near me, I just want to have sex with him all over the place without no end at all. But since the sex was lame, I can't control him there, I know this is trick of my mind. I always control men sexually, this is what I am.
This is how I dominate them. I must say I am really hot and beautiful, no joking here. Even some politicians and famous singers were chatting me up in my lifetime, wanting to date me / have sex with me. But in fact no man ever poses me, because I always refuse. I am religious, borderline and very much afraid of intimacy.
And I am sick of his stalking. I even threatened him, nothing helps. On his real accounts he ignores me, claiming me he never did a fake account in his life, but on the fake ones he is stalking me, leaving snippets of info so I know it's him, telling me I am crazy with my paranoia and claiming he loves me in the same time. LOL He did that today, after my full blown rage. He never said he loved me, he must be desperate for some kind of reaction. I really said awful things to him, that he is sexually incapable, disgusting, that I hate him etc. It's annoying. I am currently ignoring him, again.
I want to have a normal relationship. Move on. Why doesn't he do the same ? This is not normal. What Is happening here ?
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