Disengaging from therapy

I've been seeing my psychologist for 3 years. I've suddenly disengaged after considering working towards discharge. Another person (an inner 'controller) has become more dominant than me, is in control and telling me I must not engage (not literally, as I don't hear voices). Within this 'rule', I am shimmering/switching rapidly between wanting to engage and agreeing with the controller's command. Ultimately, I am not engaging and about to be discharged for non-attendance. No matter how much I try, I cannot physically or emotionally make myself attend, which seems ridiculous, since I've always been a 100% attender? It looks like this image I've uploaded with the post and wonder if anyone has had a similar experience and how they broke the bubble that controls the switching so that I can attend when the switch settles on 'engage', rather than going into crisis when the switch is on engage then withdrawing from wanting help when it's not?

Hi, betwix_between

Could you please clarify? What do you mean by "inner controller" and "switching", exactly? Do you feel like there's someone else in your mind controlling your actions?

I'm finding it hard to understand myself to be honest. I suppose a simpler way of describing it is, you're in the supermarket looking at an apple and an orange. Making the right decision is important. You're locked in indecision as you can't decide whether you want an apple or an orange, but even though you're locked in the process of deciding, you know you don't want either anyway, yet at the same time, you do, it's just that you're shimmering between the options so fast, you can't decide on one option for long enough to know it. Whilst all this is going on, you have the shopkeeper standing over you telling you that even if you make the right decision (let's just say 'engage' is the apple) you cannot buy it and have it anyway. The drive to keep trying to resolve the dilemma is strong, but the process is futile.

I've done Cognitive Analytic therapy. This theory explains borderline as a person emotionally intense and switching between opposite states or reciprocal roles (invalidator/feeling invalidated, over-thinking, idealisation/pushing away, cutting off/being socially involved, etc. etc. ... whatever's particular to the individual). You map your states then the idea is to tune into your map so that you can ground yourself by knowing what emotional state you're in, then implement strategies to exit the state (go to the gym, watch TV, use distraction, etc.). The shift (switch) between wanting to engage and fear of engaging is simple enough to understand (possibly fear of abandonment/rejection thus abandoning my therapist before crunch time). Whilst shimmering between the states of indecision, I'm experiencing an ever-present 'do not engage' which feels out of my control, not connected to me and so powerful, it's over-riding my ability to resolve the switching (which I can normally do when it's just the switching I have to attend to).

I've had many diagnosis over the years, so many I don't even bother with labels now (or formulations, of which my latest is bipolar, borderline traits and periods of psychosis). I suspect I'm box-standard borderline if I'm pushed to think about labels. Anyway ... I suppose this (my first post) will need to go in room 101. I suspect I've a period ahead of me (hopefully not too long) of it burning like a comet until it burns out, I just didn't want three consecutive 'DID NOT ATTENDS' to resolve the problem, as a 'goodbye' and healthy exit from therapy was one of my goals at the beginning.