Diagnosed bpd question on obsessions and locus of control

Hello,

So I have a hypochondria issues lol I have searched the internet high and low resulting in madness on my part. I have a paranoid streak I'd say however, I think it's pretty normal for someone to dig into the DSM and come out of it a little unsure of there mental health haha so here's my question...

My whole life I have had obsessions and most of them have had an existential theme. As a child it was religion I was most deff. Exposed to some very harsh religious abuse by my mother who would go into psychosis and really say some strange things and go a head and do strange things based on the fact that god told her to. I'm sure she spent years in mania due to wrong meds . These years where horrible and filled me and my brother with terror. I happened to be this women's " love object " or narcessitic extenuation. So one minute I was the " all good " child the next I was raged on abused then neglected until her next cycle. In adult hood my life has been a total blur, very poor memory and very shaky fearful identity. Now OCD runs on my dads side as well as paranoid thinking. I believe both mom and dad had bpd and mom deff bi polar. My father was passive aggressive and passively ended his own life young. Anyway after leaving my family of Origen at 19 my obsessions have really been messing with my joy in life. It's always a theme and then magical thinking. I believe it's to make the world seem predictable. Here's the examples ...

Religion = god is control and all things are connected there are constant " coincidences " guiding me. I am protected and safe if I preform to gods standards. ( gods standards turned out to be my mothers but that's another thread lol )

Astrology= all things are predicted by the stars and if I learn everything I can about the patterns I will be able to learn so much about a person that I can know there inner motives and better asses there capacity for abandonment. Also coincidences involved, and down right dillisional thinking in hindsight. If I read it it was true to me then and either cheered me up or scared me silly

Diet and excersize = if I learn everything about this topic I can become so attractive and well liked that no one will want to abandon me! I must run daily and have self control to be strong and no longer too pathetic to keep around.also all things other people are doing slight me and hurt me are because they simply haven't awakened there true potential. Total narrcessitic grandiosity phase.

Psychology = if I learn about " why " people abandon me maybe it won't hurt so much. Also maybe I can can fix all of my flaws so I will finally be worthy. I can predict peoples motives and manipulate them into staying or fix them so they see that I'm good and worth staying with.

Addictions = if I have this to crave I will have the ultimate back up and finally something more important then a someone.

See the theme is something to define my existence or justify existing to begin with, also to defend against abandonment and inhalation. Sound familiar???

This sounds extremely familiar as your obsessions nearly parallel my own. I have been obsessed with religion, god, and the occult from a young age.

garbage2727 wrote:See the theme is something to define my existence or justify existing to begin with, also to defend against abandonment and inhalation

I think you're on something here. When we obsessively seek after existential things we may very well be trying to find a perfect omnipresent substitute which will never abandon us, unlike everything in physical reality eventually will. I realize now that this is probably why I was obsessed with Christianity for so long-- "He will never leave you or forsake you" and "He is a friend who sticks closer than a brother" sounds quite appealing to one who is terrified of being abandoned.