daydreaming/intrusive thoughts

I'm just wondering if this is common among BPD people or if anyone else relates to this.

I've always daydreamed a lot my entire life. As a kid I would have rather spent all day sitting on my bed daydreaming than playing outside. I would daydream so much that I wouldn't interact with other children sometimes, and my parents thought I had autism for a long time. I was also super quiet, but I'm not sure if this is related to the daydreaming.
I had problems with it though. Like sometimes I would obsessively daydream about horrible things and it would scare me. I remember one thing was imagining that the bathwater was stomach acid, so I would cry while taking baths. Also many daydreams about buildings collapsing while I was in them. It's normal for kids to do this a bit, but mine was so extreme that I recall going to psychiatrists and taking medications for it before I was 10 specificially for it.

As I got older my imagination faded (normal for most people), but I still feel the need to daydream. Sometimes the daydreams aren't controllable, and they become negative or annoying things (I call them intrusive thoughts). It's extremely common for me to imagine another person talking to me while I'm doing something. Then if I don't say anything in real life, the person will start scolding me (like calling me a b*tch for ignoring them, or looking at me like something is wrong). It's distracting and humiliating. Also they'll pretend other people aren't there. So if I'm talking to a real person, they'll respond with "who are you talking to" or just look at me strange.
Also my own thoughts are uncontrollable and bizarre sometimes. For example, sometimes if I walk past a black person my mind will scream the n word but I'm not actually racist.

One thing that kind of "helps" is meditation, but I absolutely HATE the way meditation makes me feel. Most people like having the clear head, but I feel so empty and lost without daydreaming. I hate reality. I guess I cope by constantly daydreaming? Meditation just makes me aware of the emptiness I feel all the time.

Have you seen a doctor recently in regards to these issues? Some of what you say does indeed fit the criteria for intrusive or unwanted thoughts while other parts sound more like some kind of excessive or maladaptive day-dreaming. Do you have issue separating fantasy from reality at times?

One thing that kind of "helps" is meditation, but I absolutely HATE the way meditation makes me feel. Most people like having the clear head, but I feel so empty and lost without daydreaming. I hate reality. I guess I cope by constantly daydreaming? Meditation just makes me aware of the emptiness I feel all the time.

Yes, as someone who has anxiety and some degree of OCD I can relate, if I didn't have thoughts racing through my mind at times, I would indeed feel quite empty, and have on rare occasions. But neither states are preferable for me.

I too suffer from what your describing, I have HORRIFIC thoughts that i seem to daydream about and they seem to not be able to be controlled at times. For example i often have distubing thoughts about my wife or chldren being seriosly hurt or killed , but i actually think in details like, how they are hurt and what injuries they suffer, and how i would plan their funerals and how that would turn me into a harder person. sometimes I even get thoughts of them being tortured or raped. And i cannot seem to stop these thoughts. they do eventually fade. but my emotional reaction is pretty intense. I don't think it is normal or healthy to be having these thoughts. I am on medication for my BPD, which seems to have lessened the frequency of these types of thoughts. but i still get them and they are just as bad as when i had them when i was a kid. i used to have these thoughts as a kid too (obviously not about wife and kids), but along the same violent, rageful(?) distubing lines. I used to be addiced to drugs and alcohol which i took to "escape" my thoughts. (not just disturbing ones but super fast racing noisy ones), but in the end that just made it all the much worse (i had even darker thoughts which i started accepting and i had several suicide attempts). but reconizing that they are just thoughts and knowing i don't have to listen or accept them has helped me get on with life, even though i have the thoughts they do not, and will not define who i am.

Real_eyes, I also used drugs for a while to cope with the intrusive thoughts. Weed makes my daydreams happy.

What's a matter? Amateur opinions from us non-personality disordered folk not good enough for you?

I'm not sure what you're referring to.

Toucan wrote:I'm not sure what you're referring to.

Nice, well I'll just return to lurking the boards.

I have borderline traits, if not the full dx, and get various kinds of these so-called intrusive thoughts.

It was in my late teens when I first noticed them. I would just be sitting there, thinking about something, and then out of nowhere, I'd feel, or sense, something odd and disturbing. As if my thoughts brushed up against something that felt 'wrong'. It is similar to hearing voices, but more of an odd 'feeling', and not an actual voice at all. It would last a split second, leaving me asking 'WTF was that?' It still happens 30 years later. Therapist said I'm disconnected from myself, and if I weren't as intelligent as I am, then I'd likely be schizophrenic. Sometimes the intrusions have a definite emotion to them, such as shame or guilt, or sadness, or anxiety. But usually there is no emotional color to them, rather a feeling of something like a slimy or oily film floating on top of clear water.

I posted a post here, some time ago, about maladaptive daydreaming. For me, it seems to be a form of dissociation that I use when I can’t quite cope with reality. I would say I have ‘long term’ daydreams that are very intricate and revisited daily. But I also have ‘short term’ daydreams, kind of like what you describe as your intrusive thoughts. I do always know that they’re daydreams, and mine aren’t critical, they’re rather pleasant or whimsical I guess.

I’ve also done this since I was very young. I was left alone for long periods of time as a kid, along with other negligence and trauma. So I feel like daydreaming was my way of sustaining relationships with others and fulfilling my need for love and socialization, when I was not really receiving it very often in reality.

My particular daydreaming, I don’t care to give up. It makes me feel safe and like I can cope even when I’m having a hard time, because well, I can pretend that I’m not. But again, all of my daydreams are positive, or at least turn positive, and aren’t horrific or criticizing me. I think most maladaptive daydreamers tends to daydream by putting themselves in favorable positions and happy daydreams I guess. If the daydreams are causing harm, unwanted thoughts, negative experiences, I would think about speaking to your doctor. I know OCD can take on similar preoccupations.

Maybe consider exploring what it is that may trigger your episodes, that is if they are episodic? I know mine worsens or lessens depending on how stressed I am. I can go from daydreaming maybe once a day, to almost constantly throughout the day. I’ve noticed that I daydream more when I’m feeling isolated and having more interpersonal issues.