new here... long vent (tw??)

ugh I'm just very frustrated right now and really need a place where I can vent everything to some people who might understand. I'm going to try and just keep it simple so I don't end up writing a book but I get carried away at times heh I'm gonna write a little backstory but if you don't want to read that just skip to the last couple of paragraphs!

I've struggled with mental illness for a very long time, since middle school mostly but I had a lot of problems as a child too. I struggled for years because I didn't want to say anything, or I didn't know what to say, I was basically waiting for someone to notice and help me but that didn't happen so a few months ago (june) I went to see my GP about problems with depression and anxiety, she gave me proxac. I went back 2 months later, not any better, and asked her to be referred to a psychiatrist who could help me.

So I saw this psych, who talked to me for about 20 minutes asking me random questions to which I gave vague answers to because I didn't really know.. and he diagnosed me with bipolar II and started me on new meds to help my mood and help me sleep. But I did not agree with that diagnoses which I tried to tell him but he didn't want to listen. The second time I saw him (a month later) I tried to explain to him I had other problems I wanted to talk about but he didn't want to listen? I went home in tears and (tw) ended up self harming really badly and had to go to the hospital to get 18 stitches.

after this I started to feel a bit better, because I felt like I released a lot of emotion with those cuts. Anyway I decided my psych can (pardon my language) suck a dick and I applied to see a counselor at my university. I've been talking to her for a few weeks and I've really opened up to her and she's been really helpful.

ANYWAY basically lately I did some researching of my own and found that BPD fits me perfectly.
I'm terrified of abandonment, have identity issues (like you have no idea), impulsively spend money, self harm/suicidal, I'm incredibly emotional and moody especially with relationships, I get these days where I feel completely empty and sometimes I dissociate (but that could be my anxiety) and as for unstable interpersonal relationships, I'm not really sure what that means but I had a hard time with my friends in high school who were mean to me so I pushed them away but then I didn't want them to abandon me so I stuck with them and basically I was really miserable (I had a few very good friends near the end of highschool though, who are still my friends). I never had any romantic/sexual relationships because I wasn't interested also I'm asexual. I'm currently in a relationship with a wonderful girl I met last year who has BPD and the way we relate so well has helped me realise I have BPD.

I mentioned to my counselor I think I have BPD (when we first met she said what do you think fits you, I said I had no idea) and she just said "why do you think" and didn't dismiss it and said she wants to get to know me better before she attempts a diagnoses.

What I really want is a clear diagnoses. I want someone to tell me, "look this is what you have" because I feel like it would help me a lot. I told her I was upset after dealing with my psych and other doctors at the hospital because what they wanted was to medicate my symptoms, and what I wanted was an explanation of what was making me this way. More than anything though I think I want a diagnoses for a sense of identity, a nice label that I know is real. does anyone else feel this way?

(I wrote so much oh my god)

Welcome. I'm glad you've found the counselor you're comfortable with to talk to. And don't be discouraged that she wants more time to make a diagnosis of BPD. It often takes awhile because it's such a complicated diagnosis. It took my Tdoc six months! If you're really anxious about it, why not go back to see the Pdoc you saw for meds and talk with him about BPD? He can also diagnose you.

Don't knock meds, they can be really helpful. Take what you're prescribed and still see your counselor for therapy. And again, welcome.

Thank you very much for sharing your story; I'm sorry that the first psych you went to didn't listen to you!

You wrote:

"I mentioned to my counselor I think I have BPD (when we first met she said what do you think fits you, I said I had no idea) and she just said "why do you think" and didn't dismiss it and said she wants to get to know me better before she attempts a diagnoses."

^^this^^ is a positive. Although you want a label (a sort of sigh of relief) it's probably best not to rush these things. I too wanted a label to describe the pain, the behaviors, etc because I didn't know who the he$$ I was and I wanted to just know ME.

The funny thing was that when a new therapist suggested "high functioning BPD" I didn't (fully) believe it because for so many years I had heard, (from other counselors) "depression/ADD/Bipolar II/Highly Sensitive/ACOA." But after doing some research, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

So, what I'm really trying to say is that perhaps in seeking a label, you are really just searching for a concrete identity (which is part of BPD) Ironic, right?

Please keep posting and I'm glad that you sought out other help and didn't give up!!!!