What is "healed" black/white thinking supposed to look like?

I understand the concept of "splitting" or "black and white thinking" and experience it myself sometimes, with some people. It's easier for me to acknowledge and address it when it comes to less 'close' relationships, like my issues with bosses and coworkers over the years.

But what is it supposed to actually be like when it's "fixed"? That is something that I can't even fathom, like my brain can make sense of it or imagine it.

The way my brain confronts the idea is a sort of "does not compute" reaction.

For example, I can't ignore the pros and cons in a person. Everything is important. The idea of "fixing" black/white thinking sort of translates (for my brain, anyway) into not treating aspects of a person's personality or behaviors as important. But I can't really accept that things are not important.

(Is this even making any sense?)

As a hypothetical example, if I want to be friends with someone, it is because that person has value to me. I value them and they are important. That leads to me caring about them, as well. So I want to be with them and I want them to be happy. If they do things that hurt me, though, I also need to protect myself.

And so it creates a bit of paradox where I want to be with them, but I can't be with them. If I try to change them, that's even worse. If they want to be with me, then there is also the added layer of me wanting them to be happy, but not wanting myself to be unhappy.

In some cases like this one, my brain doesn't seem to know what to do, and hence the "splitting". All I can do is try to be close to them, but then try to defend myself from getting hurt. But I can't have both.

I guess in a way it translates that the person can't be both good and bad at the same time. But I will end up feeling like I must be able to "figure it out" in order to know what I should do. Otherwise there is no solution and I feel very anxious and disoriented. So it seems to be that endeavor of trying to "figure it out" that often results in the splitting and confusion.

When I am very calm and rational (like right now, this is pretty stable for me) I can do this level of introspection to at least see that I have the problem sometimes, and understand it a little bit, but I can't imagine what it could look like or feel like to somehow merge polar opposite perceptions together. It's like that would be impossible.

But I also know I must be able to do it, because humans are complex with both their 'good' and 'bad' traits and behaviors. And also, 'good' and 'bad' can be subjective, and what a boring world it would be if only my perceptions of 'good' ever existed.

That is all fine and well, but when I actually try to form close bonds with people, it creates this dilemma almost inevitably in which I start feeling like I have to make impossible choices.

The more I try to work on it, the more complicated and messy it gets. For example, I recently tried to answer a question, "Are you willing to be hurt sometimes?" and that threw my mind for a loop. Where is the line between "willing to be hurt sometimes in exchange for being close to someone" and "not having healthy boundaries"? On one hand I can be told that I am attracted to dysfunctional relationships because that is what feels 'normal' to me and that's bad, and in the next breath it's "are you willing to be hurt?" So if I accept people with problems, it's unhealthy, and if I don't accept people with problems, it's unhealthy. Auugh!!

Of course I want to accept people with problems. I have problems, too. But which problems to accept? Which ones not to? When is it okay when someone hurts you, and when is it not? There is no manual or field guide for this stuff, that I have ever found anyway.

But if other people don't have splitting and black/white thinking, then there must be a way to do it, and that experience must exist.

Other people do it for me, as well. People have forgiven me for things, even though I hurt them, and even though they know it could happen again. But even that makes me feel anxious. If they don't black/white me, then are they not protecting themselves? It makes me worried that I am more dangerous or something. It also sends my guilt and shame through the roof.

Ironically it enough, it causes me to start black/white-ing myself. On one hand it's please forgive me and be close with me again, and on the other hand it's please don't forgive me because when I hurt the people I love it makes me hate myself.

Sorry this got seriously rambly. Anyway, how are we supposed to be seeing things?

grey

A man onstage announces loudly "be healed!", puts his hands on your forehead and pushes you over, some assistants/goons help you to your feet and get you off-stage, and then a lady in too much make-up tries to sell you a blessed dime for a "donation" of $50.

That's what healed b/w thinking looks like.

I think that "regular" people have blacks and whites, like we do. The difference is that it takes a lot more for someone to be put in one of those extremes. You pretty much have to save someone from a burning building, or be the one who set the building on fire in the first place, to rank in one of the two.

Otherwise, they seem to have this internal algorithm that helps them calculate severity and how long/much to be mad at someone. We, on the other hand, tend to stick to our guns. I almost wonder that, if we reconsider being mad at someone, if that would mean we'd be automatically questioning our judgment and by proxy, ourselves.

That's my theory, anyway.

I don't have the black and white thinking. For me it works this way: even when i am upset with someone i care about, i dont think they are all bad. They just did something that upset me and depending on the situation, it may take more or less time until i forgive and am over it. There is this feeling at the back of my mind that the person still has good qualities, even if im upset with them.

Hmm maybe. I question myself constantly, though. I pretty much have to.

Every time there is a shift from white to black, or black to white, the shift itself - and comparing it to the previous - creates a major disruption in my confidence in my own perceptions.

Probably one of the most jarring aspects is that whichever perception I'm holding, during an intense moment I am sure that I am "right". But if I am "right" during two polar opposite perceptions, well in a more left-brain sense, I know that I was not right for at least one of them, if not both.

I wonder if it boils down in a way to having a very low tolerance level for being betrayed (or something along those lines).

There are some people in my life who I don't experience black/white thinking with, but then those people have never betrayed me, either. One of them is my brother's fiance, who I have always really liked right from the start. She's not perfect by any means, but I have never sensed any type of deliberate shenanigans from her. When she does screw up, she knows how to promptly apologize and explain herself, so that she and others can understand each other and move forward.

I think maybe it is her unusual level of maturity (especially for her age, 20s) and her consistency in personality that keeps her in a "non-threat" category to me at all times over the past few years, even though she's not some perfect saint of a person. I also find it easier to relax with her enough to apologize and explain, myself, when appropriate, because I know it's not going to be pointless or get my hand bit.

Honestly while I know that sometimes people with BPD can be paranoid and irrational, I also can't help but wonder if sometimes people with BPD almost serve as very loud and intense reality checks. If you disrespect most people, there is a significant chance that it will be quickly swept under the rug or met with passive-aggressive retaliation that never really manifests into anything clear-cut. But I think that if you disrespect someone with BPD, you are a lot more likely to receive the repercussions of it in no uncertain terms.

At the same time, due to idealization, I'd think it would be rare for your benevolent efforts to go unnoticed or unappreciated by a person with BPD. It seems like people with BPD have a heightened sense of the good in others, not just the bad (hence idealization and not just devaluation). Perhaps people with BPD also serve to acknowledge and reward the good in others, as well, in no uncertain terms.

In a way perhaps people with BPD are like amplification mirrors that others can peer into as they come across them. A little kindness can result in a mountain of adoration, while a little betrayal or disrespect can result in a mountain of scorn.

However, despite the possible the function of BPD in a society, it still leaves the inner confusion, turmoil and angst of the person with BPD unresolved. And I think when that builds up over time, that is probably when people with BPD start to shift into that paranoid, irrational, overwhelmed raging state of mind. The ability to pass judgement gets distorted, jacked up and way out of proportion.

Furthermore with the mirror concept, I have found it much easier to forgive people who have forgiven me for something. This doesn't really make things fair, though, because it indicates that I expect the other person to go first. But on the other hand, if they do, it makes it a lot easier for me to drop my own guard.

So I wouldn't say being like a mirror is a great thing or a terrible thing all the time, but more so just an "is what it is" kind of thing.

Rambling theory of the day, anyway.

My own opinion.......

The middle way. The grey (and every color in the rainbow) way.

Options, not absolutes

If someone cancels plans with you, you accept it (as long as it's not a reoccurring theme) and make other plans and are OK with this. This cancellation does not mean the end of the friendship, that they hate you, etc.

You understand that others will get frustrated/annoyed with you at times (as you will be with others) but don't hate them/cut them out, and instead think that perhaps they are just in a bad mood and it has nothing whatsoever to do with you.

No push/pull in relationships, instead it's a dance, an ebb and flow.

An understanding that moods are transient like the weather. Not everyday is either sunshine or storms. Some days are cloudy, some are foggy, some are partly cloudy, some are cold yet sunny, etc.

Being open-minded. Knowing that there is a range of options/feelings/actions in life.