What if I had BDP too?

Hello, I'm Cathy. I'm 18 and having some issues about myself. It's been a while that I know something is absolutely wrong with me but had no chance to put a word on it. I often dream that I'm in front of a therapist screaming to him to do all the tests possible to put a name on what's going wrong.
Sometimes I think it's because I'm a teenager and, oh well, all teenagers have issues with themselves, they try to find who they are.
I tried to convince myself it was normal, but I just can't accept it.
I've been in many relationships. In each of them, I was always so afraid to be abandoned that my fears became unliveable for my partners. They finally all left me. I was crying all day from insecurity, wishing that they would reassured me more, even if they did anything they could. I made them cry, scream and shout at me.
I don't know how to explain it truly in a good way.
When I was thinking they didn't do anything for me, I was trying to be friends with anybody, and I still jnew these sorts of "new friendships" would never last. I constantly needed to be reassured.
I've always been this kind of girl so much bad in her clothes, wishing she could die, wishing she could be more this or that then people could like her and treat her well, I've always been so much insecure, different, hiding behind masks, hating myself everyday for every little mistakes I could do.
I still hate myself for the mistakes I did and still do.
Sometimes I want to take drugs and drink so much alcohol I would sleep on myself immediatly, without thinking about these kind of things. I cut myself once and wish everyday I could do it again to punish the anger that is growing in me. I'm thinking about it, but I just can't go and let my mother that already suffered to much.
Then, I just wish everyday that a car could hit me, that storms could fall on me, that an heart attack could bring me far away of this.

And all of this? Because I suffer from my relatiinships. Because I'm so afraid they will give up on me that I do strange things to make them stay, that sometimes make it worst.
My behavior has non-sence sometimes. I sometimes think it's all their fault for then hating me for what I've done and crying all over them that I need them so much, that I'm sorry, justifying myself in all the ways I can.

I am actually in a relationships with someone who is borderline, that doesn't help me at all.
An idea growed in myself: I think I could be also suffering from the borderline personnality disorder.

I'm asking help because all of this can't continue. I can't stay like this, because, even if the idea of healing and getting better is here, the idea of ending this is taking more and more place.

I'm not just a 18 teenager. I need help.
Sorry for my bad english, and thank you by advance.

Hi, i read your post and your English is fine Sorry to hear you are struggling so much. Is there any possibility to see a therapist for real?

Being in a relationship with a BPD when you yourself are not well can do more harm than good. You are still very young and right now you need to find yourself and find a way to cope with what you are going through. Do you feel like being in a relationship makes you feel complete?

Sometimes I really feel complete, at least if I'm with the one Her for real, but one word can change it all and make me feel bad, when she explains me it was just to help me or stuffs like that...
I also didn't mentionnef that when I have argued with her and she doesn't want to talk with me, I'm stalking her, calling her until she respond, everywhere I can, and I can't feel better until she does.
I also eat less, can't work at all, i'm paralyzed at home, I don't want to see friends and my weight is badly decreasing. I didn't eat just one day I already lost one kilo.

I try to see someone that is working on the way I breathe to calm me down but it's really to handle it all the time, feelings are overwhelming me, mostly stress and sadness, I can never let my anger out, I don't know how to be anger and I read that, if someone who has BDP is often angry for "quite nothing" they are sometimes the opposite : unable to let anger out...

What you're describing sounds like BPD. However, the diagnosis is mostly irrelevant. What's important is finding the root of your suffering and figuring out ways to cope with it. If you go to college it should be easy to find a counselor on campus who can help you. If not, I would advise you to do everything in your power to find a therapist. If you have a plan to kill yourself, get help fast! Go to the hospital, call a friend to come be with you, do something to ensure that you're not by yourself. I'm praying for you!

Hey Cathy,

I'm not actually diagnosed borderline; I post here because it's one of the few forums I feel comfortable in. But it sounds like you're in a lot of pain and you haven't gotten many replies so I hope it's okay if I respond. I think if you're hurting badly it's always good to reach out to people; it doesn't matter if you're a teenager and being unhappy is "normal." Asking for help is difficult so I think you should be proud of yourself for that.

Unfortunately, I can't diagnose you with anything 'cause I'm not a therapist. That said, I completely relate to what you described, the fear of being abandoned. [Actually, you remind me a lot of me, especially when I was 18, so apologies if this is really long. These are things I still need to remind myself of. ]

Maybe you could slow down and try to address the specific causes of your anxiety. For example, you said that when you're in relationships you have trouble trusting that your SO will not leave you. You also said that you need a lot of reassurance from the people you're in relationships with, whether it's a romantic partner or a friend. So here are some questions for you:

1) Is this something you feel with everyone all the time, or do you find there are certain triggers that set it off? Do you find that your own self-esteem plays a part?

I can say that working on my own self-confidence has helped ease my fears a LOT. My relationship brings me more happiness than anything else my life, but I actually think that both of us getting involved in things outside of it has made it stronger. Also, making my SO my only source of self-worth puts a lot of pressure and responsibility on him and I don't want to do that.

Maybe pursuing some other hobbies and connecting or re-connecting with other people would make your life feel more balanced and stable? If you feel like your BF is the only thing you've got, of course you're going to be terrified of losing him.


2) How do you cope with fears like this when they come? What ways are helpful and what ways are not helpful?

For example, I've gotten markedly better at trusting that my SO loves and cares for me, even though he's kinda avoidant and has difficulty showing it. I still struggle with it tho'. This is a small thing but last weekend we were supposed to hang out and he never called me. He's someone who needs a lot of space and alone time, so I made a point only to call him once.

But -- I can't lie -- it hurt! I spent Friday night and Saturday by myself; that wasn't healthy and only made things worse. Then, Sunday, a friend of mine invited me out to lunch. Getting out of the house and seeing someone outside the situation helped me feel better and get some perspective. I remembered that he and I hadn't had concrete plans, that there are many reasons he might not have called, etc. There was no reason to leap to the conclusion that he didn't like me any more.

If you're anything like me, it's not that there aren't other people you like or other things you enjoy doing. What makes you upset is not that your friend can't hang out with you; it's that when they don't want to hang out with you, you imagine it means they don't care about you and are going to leave.


3) When you feel like you're not getting enough reassurance from someone, how do you handle it? Do you tell them how you're feeling?

I've noticed that people with personality disorders often struggle with this. Even those that are naturally empathetic can be blinded by their own pain and fear, and will forget to consider the weather in other peoples' heads. Unfortunately, communication is probably the most important thing in any kind of relationship. One thing I always try to ask myself when I'm upset is: "What does he actually know? I know what I know, but what have I actually told him? He can't read my mind: have I communicated my feelings clearly? Or am I expecting him to pick up on passive-aggressive hints and subtle signals?"

You mentioned that sometimes the things you do to keep people close makes things worse -- that's a really good thing to be aware of, and it's something you can change. When you feel rejected by someone, are you up front about it, or do you just play it off like you don't care? Do you bury your resentment so it explodes later over something small and random? Are you vaguely cold and insulting without ever telling them why they're being punished? Do you vanish or give them the silent treatment? Please believe me, if you do, I'm not criticizing you: lots of people, disordered and non-disordered, handle pain in these ways. Unfortunately, these ways are really ineffective.

I know it can be seriously hard to tell someone who has hurt you "You just hurt me." It feels like giving them even more power. The thing is, unless he's a closet psychopath, your SO seriously does not want to hurt you and does not enjoy having power over you. I know it can be hard to trust this if you've had bad experiences with people, but if a person loves you, they genuinely want to see you happy and well. They don't enjoy making you feel bad. They don't look down on you. Honestly, if your BF hurts your feelings, chances are it was completely unintentional. If you don't say anything, he's gonna keep doing it because he's not telepathic and doesn't know it's causing you pain.

Can you work on expressing your feelings in a calm and straightforward way? "It hurts me when you talk about how amazing your exes were because I feel you're comparing me to them" or "I'd feel more comfortable that you care about me if you wrote or called me occasionally throughout the day." You might be surprised to find that your SO will be more than happy to accommodate your needs once he knows what they are. He may be touched to learn that you care about him that much.


The other thing I would add is that everyone -- everyone! -- makes mistakes in relationships. No one is perfect, and that's okay. The people that care about you do not expect you to be perfect. They will understand and forgive. And I guarantee that none of the people you've been involved with were saints either. You can do them a favor by being understanding and forgiving yourself.

As for dating someone borderline, I don't know. On one hand she may be more understanding of your issues; on the other, she may have attachment issues of her own. Not sure about that.

Last thing: what you said about wanting to end things. I get that. I really, seriously do know how that feels. All I can tell you is that if you don't give up, one day you will look back and be so, so glad. Life changes in all kinds of unexpected ways. You'll meet people who will teach you things you never expected. There's so much out there you haven't seen and can't imagine. It sounds like you are very sensitive and very loving, and that is a rare and beautiful thing! Unfortunately, sensitive and loving people endure a lot of pain, but they also experience great joy. If you can stay strong and trust in yourself, it will be worth it.

I wish you luck!