TRIGGER WARNING! Suicide

Hi I am new here. I am not here because I have been diagnosed with bpd, but because i think it might be the right place.

12 days ago I tried to commit suicide with some serious determination. I have struggeled so long with feelings of being empty, hollow and being a horrible person to a point where I simply decided that I want no more of it.
Evidently I failed desipte a lot of consideration and planning. Right now I am sitting in a psychward with no premition to leave yet.
It seems they think the manner of how I did it is pretty disturbing and their words "rings a warning bell"
The thing is that the action while i did it, the waiting to die invoked nothing in me. No revelation, no regret or angst. Simply put i felt nothing before, during or even afterwards.
I somtimes have to seriosly wonder if this is real, or if I really am part of this world.
Of course i had some time seeing my family in desapir over the whole thing, i knew before of course that what i did will affect them but decided that a decsision like this is something that I have to be selfish about.
At the first week I pretty much thought I will charm my way out of this place. And pick a reliable method next time.

I guess i should mention my view on my life and my feelings can shift pretty drasticlly. One day I can think "hey, I can do this I can go on" but then the next feel despair and tell myself that the days when i don't want to die is so small to comparison of feeling bad.

I feel lost now, at the moment I am in this period where my mood is on a top peek. And I am not hundred procent sure what I want anymore. I know for sure that I will for the rest of my life always be haunted by thought of suicide. The first one occured 5 years ago and the last year I have had them almost on a daily basis driving me insane.

I do not feel bad for my family which I understand on a intullectual level is horrible. It's actually my lack of emotions towards others that fuels my feeling that I am better off being gone.

I am going to see a therapist in 2 days. I saw someone before but this one is supposed to be better, a little more knowledgeble.
I met her once and spilled everything, I have no problem sharing my most intimate feelings to strangers.
i said to her there is nothing I want which makes it hard to know how I am supposed to feel better or improve my life.
She answered that maybe we can find some things that I dont want instead.

I want to ask you, If you were posed with theese question while feeling down, do you know what you want or don't want?

Hi and welcome to the BPD forum shadowrift

You'd be very welcome to post here if you feel it's the right spot for you.

I'm sorry you're going through a really tough time at the moment and that you're feeling so lost. I'm glad that you are safe though. Hugs. Fighting suicidal thoughts on a daily basis is really hard to cope with.

I do understand what you are getting at with feeling bad for your family.

I hope the therapy session goes ok. I've had trouble with the questions about what I want too- I think I find it easier to work out by what bad experiences I've had as to what I don't want, like not wanting people to treat me in x way. But asking me what I do want, other than a vague "I don't want to be going through all this crap anymore" there's just nothing there. And nothing to work towards. Having those questions thrown at you are hard to deal with at any time, but while you're on the bottom, they're especially difficult.

Please take good care and let us know how you go with the therapy session.

Hugs and take care
Lily

Thank you Lilly for the support!
Its good to hear that I am not alone to struggle with those questons. I will tell you how it went when I have been there. At least the person seems smart and nice to talk to.

You're welcome.

I'm glad the person seems ok to deal with so far. Hope it goes ok.

Hugs and take care
Lily