Went through deadly hell, please help and advice

Hello to all of you BPD and non BPD's,
I am new to this forum and want to tell my story because my heart is broken.
Also want to tell that it's never my intention to tell that all BPD's are the same. I don't even think they are good or bad but I just want BPD's and non BPD's to reply on my story.
Again I don't judge anybody.My intention is not to hurt or judge just your thoughts and maybe some answers to understand more what has happened and why.

I am living in Europe, Belgium and am married to a woman here but I come myself from another culture.
We are more than 18 years together and have two sons.5 and 12 years old.
She has been diagnised with borderline and post traumatic stress syndrome

I will forget a lot of things in my story but yeah.

First we met at work and she tried everything to adore me.Sending letters, messages, calling me but she was so shy and so sweet.
Then we started a relation.She really did everything for me.Very romantic and the first day I stayed at her home she gave me sex.
She said she was in love with me and she never felt this way before in her life and she would never leave me or cheat on me because she knew how it felt.All her boyfriends left her and cheated on her and that hurst.Her father died died from cancer when she was young and she blamed her mother cheating on her father and having her friend in her bed within three days after her father died.My wife has been beaten and raped many times by her ex.She was always a fat girl and not treated nice on school and felt ugly and not attractive.No self esteem at all and very jealous and always wants acceptance.Telling me she never got accepted by her mother and family.
She would ask me ten times a day am I attractive, do you love me, you will never leave me are you etc. etc. etc.I felt sorry for her and thought I found the woman of my life.Very sweet and good character and very reliable.Would never cheat.
After a while (a year later) she started blaming other people as using her and being not ok and later she felt I was not loving her or understanding her and was shouting to much at her.
Then she always said to me I never go to a man's house if he's alone so I want you to not go to any women's house when she' s alone.Don't flirt or even fantasise about other women because I never do she said.
Then one day when I was there an old classmate, boy came to visit her and after he left she said now he is typically a guy I want a relationship with.
When I said how can you hurt me like that by saing that she said I don't hurt you and let's forget this conversation.
I helped her a lot by listening to her stories about misbehaviour of other people and she cried a lot on my shoulders by telling her past and she sometimes felt empty and had no love for nobody.Normally she would say a 100 times I love you but that time she was cold.
She changes when she is under stress and starts to work more and more and do things behind my back.Making new friends, boys and girls and telling all our secrets to them by trusting them and lies as well.Then she got normal again and after six months I went to another country to do a project for a record company.She came to visit me and she hugged me and kissed me and told me that she missed me a lot and can't live without me.We had sex again.Very passionate.
Then she flew back again calling me a lot from there and then she started telling that I didn't understand her feellings and had no patience with her and was screaming all the time so she said I need it please you are there and can't give me that at this moment.I am very stressed and my body is tired.I need to talk with someone and go to the cinema and go out and dine.
Stupid as I am I accepted.She said he is just a college from work and nothing more.We talk, we laugh, we watch movies etc.
The guy came to pick her up every day from our home and they went dining and he sent flowers for her and I said I leave you because he also wanted to buy a dog for her and she said he doesn't mean anything with it he's just a friend.I said I will leave you and she said please do understand me I need this.She was that time again like another person.Totally different and cold.No feelings at all and very hurting to me.Not listening, shouting and trying to hurt me by saying huh a guy from school is much more sexy then you are and better and want to have sex with a different man every week.We had no sex nothing then.I said go for therapy she said no.We were at that time just engaged because she insisted and wants to marry me.
In the meantime she said go sleep by your brother I can't stand you at this time, I need to rest and she invited a guy that stayed till 5 in the morning.She now says we only talked and smoked weed nothing more.Just ask him yourself.
Then one day she stayed by by the other guy that night and in the morning came home and I threw the rings in her face and told her it's the end.by.She begged please don't leave me I will stop contacting him and she did.
Later she never said it was her fault but she said I just trust people and nothing happened and he tried to kiss me twice but I didn't let him and this she never told me afraid to lose me blah blah blah.
Then I cought her talking with lots of men on her mobile phone and she said we only talk about astrology cause my wife does tarot cards reading. I said to stop that and again she did.
**We then moved to a cafe (our new home) cause it was our own cafe and we got our first sun and my wife and son almost died.Later she told you were never there for me>I was alone and you were working all the time etc.Again blaming me for everything and blaming me for cheating.
**We moved again with lots of debts to a new house and lots of stress.
Then she started going out with my sister and later with a girlfriend of her in another city and staying there in the week-ends.The girlfriend never came to stay with us.
Her party trips went on for two years and we had lots of fights and she started visiting girlfriends and and coming home late and not picking up her calls telling me oh I forgot to charge or forgot it in my car or didn't hear the call etc.
I found out again she was calling lots of men when I was away.Found out that she tried to sexdate and old school mate.Talking dirty on the phone.The guy was calling her when I was at home and my wife just says nothing wrong we only talk while laughing friendly to me.Can you imagine?
Then she went with an old woman to a casino and I got her privatly and she didn't know that it was me she said on the phone hey I have big boobs and I like to be licked.Are you good in bed.Can we meet by the station.
The next day I asked her why she said just for fun to impress my girfriend.
Then she slowly by slowly changed to a totally different person.Real evil.No sex, not friendly at all.Doesn't take any advice from me and shouting and doing everything she wants telling me she can't handle it anymore and I found out she went to the lawyer to divorce.I said I don't want to divorce but she don't listen.Finally after months she calmed down and was sweet again.
Let's make another child she said and we got our second son.
**I helped her with everything.She was afraid for facebook and didn't want me to use it cause people on facebook cheat she told me.Then I made an acount for her and she started to find her family on facebook and old girfriends from school.
She started to post poems on facebook how much she still was missing her father.I helped with lots of support all my life.Did everything to boost her selfesteem by telling she is nice, sweet and beautiful.Did everything for her and my family.Car service, paying bills, cooking, cleaning etc.
*Then we moved again to a wooden house in a forest.Only one sleeping room.I was about to start my own company and did everything for her and the kids.School, work, in the house....
She was always telling me that she will never like sex cause she has been raped and was asking me all the time do you have an affair.I was not but then again we had lots of stress she was getting cold and screaming.No sex and kisses anymore.She told me with sex I hurt her vagina and the doctor told her not to have sex for at least six months so we didn't hug, kiss or talk anymore and I had to sleep in another bed cause she can't touch any man at this moment she told.Later I had to sleep in the wooden house in our big garden.
She started to work more and more and was almost never at home.I can't pick up my phone at work it's not allowed she told and started seeing her new girlfriends more and more and not trusting me more and more.Everything I told was wrong at that time.
She started to create distance between my friends and my familly.
She was sending me to friends, go out you need to relax and in the meantime she was calling her affairs and making mostly men friends on facebook.
Visiting her affairs and friends at home while I was thinking she is at work.
She never was erasing her messages but then all her messages she was erasing all the time on her phone as her internet history and changing passwords all the time and changed facebook in no relation and seeking for men and not using my familly name anymore on Facebook and other contracts.
Having sex chat with a boy from 18 years old while she was 38.Flirting and telling I was evil and hitting her and sexually and mentally abusing her and I was an alcoholic and sexualy abusing the kids.Police came to me three times.I was devastaded.
She was having affairs with men in a row and sex with one of them she told only once and all those affairs where drug addicts,rapers from jail etc. etc.
She was telling my elder son that one of his affairs was a very good man and she wants to live with him and she was trusting my kids to a very dangerous man.
Again she was blaming me for ######6 up her whole life and she told this to all the people she knew even to people she only knew for 10 minutes.
I said what you do is wrong we have kids and you are cheating she said I never want you anymore get out of my life you ###$ up my life.
Last christmas and new year she was with him but because he started to abandon her she kept me all the time as a back up financial and as a boyfriend.
I read a lot of her messages on facebook,phones.She had 5 numbers I didn't know.
She wrote letters to one of her affairs like I was evil and blaming me for everthing but what I saw is that she was telling all the things which she told me all her life why I thought I was special to all of them: I love you, I will never leave you, I will never cheat, I can't live without you, you are the best that ever happened to me, please don't leave me, you are sexy, you understand me, I'll do anything for you.I feel unattractive, have no self esteem, they always used me and left me blah blah blah.
//During this time she said all of a sudden please go for a couple of weeks on vacation you need to relax and we will miss each other and it will all be good again.She insisted and found me a ticket and I went.Found out on vacation that she was cheating and I asked her why you told you would never cheat.She said can't help it it just happened you treated me like $#%^ and ###$ up my whole life and I want to divorce forever. In the meantime she found a house and when I came back our house was empty.No kids, no furniture,no wife.She left to another house and was cheating and meeting another guy or more.
She was before 95 kilo and then she got mentaly that ill she was only weighing 45 kilo.More make up.Wearing strings etc. etc.
She was some times falling on the ground and they took her to the hospital first aid and they operated and cut her guts then she got trombose in her leg and again she was taken by ambulance to another hospital and they cut her intestons again and finaly they amputated her leg.Even in the hospital I stayed for weeks by her day and night she in the beginning didn't want to see mee.
Later she started to miss me and feeling sorry and being confused and didn't remember most what she did and said.Dissosiation.Like her memory was lost.She was crying and sometimes fainting away totally and realy afraid I'm gonna leave her.She still says I don't understand what happened and why I did all this.I'm totally not like that and I am thousand times sorry give me a last chance I will do therapy and it will never happen again.I love you that much can't live without you I would die and commit suicide. She said many times in her life to me now I changed it will never happen again.
Now she is nice all the time the last year but I'm realy afraid it will happen again if she gets attention from another person. I don't trust her anymore for nothing even if she realy can't help it and in my heart I want to leave her but then I think about the kids but this realy exhausts me cause I don't feel any affection anymore to her or that she is the one.Don't know what to do.
I am a very attractive guy.I'm not arrogant but many many nice sexy women are standing in lines for me my whole life and I never cheated on anyone on my life.Women are dying for me and still I don't cheat but everthing that happened killed my self esteem which even was low before this situation.
How can such a person arrange all these things perfectly behind my back?

Do some people recognize this by their partners or are there people which act like her on this forum please tell me why they do that or what must I do?
Will she keep on doing this and never change? Is it in there hands or as my wife told me at those times I am surviving and living in my own world of reality and acting as an automatic pilot.
Can I blame her or can't she help it?

Thanks a lot and sorry for this long story.I respect all of you.

Hi...i read your post. Your relationship sounds a bit beyond repair...one thing i learned is that we cannot change another...no matter what promises fly around, it is all about each person taking responsibility for their own behavior and try to improve it.

You mentioned how your self esteem is shattered atm and this is understandable after everything that happened. I think you should try and take care of yourself more, because you cannot help her and she really needs to make that decision for herself regardless of your relationship.

Just a friendly note - i understand you are in pain but people are more inclined to reply if the post is kept a bit shorter and maybe a bit broken down. Hope you find a way to get through this.

I agree.
There is nothing you can do to help her… she has to make her own decisions.
But you should't wait around for her to change because according to her history, she is not likely to change.
You need to take care of yourself and try to find peace in other things and in other people.
In my opinion, there is no way to fix this relationship and it sounds like you need someone more stable.

My friend, you've done an exceptional job at bearing the pain, humiliation, and torment that has been inflicted on you.


You are free to leave her now.

Do it before it's too late.

-- Sun Oct 19, 2014 11:23 am --

My friend, you've done an exceptional job at bearing the pain, humiliation, and torment that has been inflicted on you.


You are free to leave her now.

Do it before it's too late.

I can't just leave her like that cause she had four dangerous operations and almost died. Her left leg has been amputated and now she has a lot of serious problems with her health.also mentally and my two kids went through a lot of stress.there house burned.
I even think about doing a DNA test but she says last year is the first time she ever cheated and the first time she went to bed and only went one time and stopped cause of the pain.
She said the amputation changed her whole life and woke her up.Now nothing will be the same anymore I changed forever and don't want to lose my family and will do anything for it.
Do you think she can still do the things she did before now that her leg has been amputated?
One thing that I don't understand is that she told one affair which I didn't know by herself. Why?
She said I tell you everything. A lot I don't remember. got nothing to lose anymore so why should I lie.
Her head is clear now she says.
Don't know what to believe anymore.
How could I test her.should I send a man trying to seduce her and see what happens then I would know.Do you think she would do it again?
She tells the same stories to her psychologs so maybe she really doesn't remember the things she did and said like she is telling me.
Can I blame her for what she did?
I'm really afraid she will commit suicide if I would leave.you never know.
Thanks again for all of your support.