bad day and family resentment triggers.

Today was a nightmare for me. I am so resentful of my family and it sucks because I just wish I had one that wasn't so messed up.

I read somewhere that 65% of us have a parent with BPD, and before even reading it, I knew my mom had it. I always have had major resentment issues with her since my diagnosis because I see some of the BPD traits in her that I have myself. It makes me so hateful and angry more than anything.

Today we had a get together at my aunts house, and going there is my #1 trigger. Firstly, I don't like my mom's whole side of the family. None of them are what you would call "normal" and they all think so much more highly about my cousins than they do me (although ironically enough, I'm doing much better than most of my cousins). One aunt is a nun and I feel like she's CONSTANTLY looking down on me... all I can think about is imagine how #######5 they'd be towards me if they actually knew about my diagnosis. My parents don't even know exactly what my diagnosis is (I've kept it on the DL... They don't even know exactly why I go to therapy, they just pay for it because they see that it helps me)

Anyways, my one aunt that is the most relatable to has lost two children, my cousins, to a terrible debilitating disease, and I watched them die. Seeing her is such a trigger because when my last cousin passed away is when my symptoms of BPD really started to come out of the wood work. It was very traumatic because my cousin and I were so close growing up, and even talking about it now makes me turn into a hysterical mess. So this same aunt adopted a child, who she couldn't really raise (understandably so when you have a dying child to take care of) and this kid is completely messed up now, turning to drugs, robbing people, getting taken away by child services..

But he dated a girl who had BPD, and the family was openly talking about how messed up she was. I never heard anyone actually say "borderline personality disorder" aloud in my life, with the exception of therapy, and this through me into a frenzy. I was mortified. My boyfriend saw me react, and he knows because he's the only one I told about my diagnosis. I turned completely red and had to leave the room because I was about to cry my eyes out or throw something. My family is so judgmental of people and it's horrifying.

Then after all that, I sat down to dinner and my other aunt who's house we were at, who also drinks smirnoff in a water glass for dinner, decided to talk about my nana dying (not even on her side of the family) and how i probably don't even remember it cause i was so young. what i wanted to say, but couldn't was "yes aunt jean, i ######6 remember. i saw her in pain, saw ambulances at my house every night and watched her suffer and die. so yes, i was a kid but i ######6 remember and thanks for making me relive that, now can you shut the ###$ up?!" ...but I cant say these things.

Then she continued to pry information out of me about my sister, who is going through divorce, poverty, a custody battle, etc. and i was just quiet because honestly, it's not any of her business.

Every time I see my family at this one aunt's house, I think maybe i should give it a shot, maybe this time it will be better, I am hopeful. I seem to have a memory lapse of last christmas going home crying because of how they all act towards me or completely losing my $#%^ every time I leave there. I keep wanting it to change, and wanting things to be different, but it never is. and I know radical acceptance is the answer, but I just can't, also it;s hard to constantly avoid family functions. I wish I could find a way past this hatred, but I have been trying for a while and I just can't. I've tried the deep breathing, the removing myself for a few minutes, mediation... for this, it doesn't work.

Does anyone feel the same resentment towards their parent with BPD or their family in general? Is there a secret to getting past all of this?