Examining The Past And Moving Forward

Everyday is a step on the path. That's the way i have been looking at my life.

Looking into my past and seeing where i am now, i have matured and improved so much.

Around 5 years ago, you would have found me abusing drugs, sleeping on bare mattresses throughout the day. Lost in a haze most days, playing consoles to try and drown out my miserable existence. Hoarding money for food to party at the weekend. Shoplifting to survive.

I'm not proud of my past. Sometimes i laugh about moments that are still humorous. The times i spoke about the most interesting things. Considered the meaning of life while destroying my life. The times i lost myself in the stars or lost myself in the dark wood at night.

I've upset people. Hurt myself. Pushed people away. Struggle even now to have normal relationships. I never quite empathize with people.I can play the social, friendly and confident person. People my family know pass away and i feel little for them. Dead bird that i saw in the park?I felt nothing towards it.I didn't enjoy it either. It confuses me how i can be so full of emotion, to write short stories and prose.I feel attachments to certain people.Is it love i feel?I can't be sure. How can i be so cold towards the ugliness in the world? I've decided that its likely i'm desensitized to violence, aggression and death but is this the answer? I would never be violent or kill.These ideas don't frequent my mind more than the average joe. In the heat of anger, most people consider the use of violence. My temper is 96% controlled and internalized. I release it through exercise or writing.Sometimes through mini campaigns, which i am working on trying to reduce my use of. Mainly using psychological tactics, making them look silly in front of others etc. It's not usually planned, often spontaneous.I've improved from before though in this regard.

I noticed recently, that towards men who try to domineer or control me, i get angered easily. I've always struggled with feelings of taking revenge against those who wrong me. I used to engage in revenge fantasies. I reined in this habit and only feel this way on a rare occasion. It is like an intense anger, that makes me feel like i'm full of energy and capable of destroying anyone. I've only had two instances in the past couple months, both towards men trying to belittle me in front of others. So i will need to examine my past in more detail and figure out why i feel this way.

This is an honest entry. I'm better than a was and will be better with perseverance.The very fact i want to be a better person is brilliant. The fact i have someone to share my life with.My family still care. I don't have many friends but i feel like soon, i will be ready to start making new ones. I just don't want to create more people that hate me.I'm tired of being seen in a negative light.